Underwear....?????................

As I sit here on this beautiful Saturday morning.

All would appear fine and happy in "Rodney-land".

"RODNEY LAND"is much like the game Candyland sprinkled with the effects of the haunted forest from the Wizard of Oz! watch this cool video set to the funky land of OZ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-UkqvBPofM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le6ihPCSZCM&feature=related )

I digress. Back to the subject at hand. Yesterday and this morning brought an end to a relationship I was in. It was a lovely relationship. We complimented each other's lives nicely. Or, so I thought. The problem was my lack of a life.

Where do I start? The advice I received from friends? My own heart? My own infallible way of latching on to someone?

My dear friends always want the best for me. They are never short on opinions. Never short on actions. Never slow to voice their concerns. Always aware of what they think is going on. (The good ones are usually right on target!) Several of my friends voiced their concern over my rushing into a relationship so quick after getting out of prison. I bucked their concerns and jumped right in. TOO QUICK.

My heart has a way of latching on to people, for all the right and wrong reasons, only to have the right reasons kick me in the ass. The wrong reasons are a challenge. The right reasons are the ones that kill.

This special someone needed me. I needed him. In the process we lost each other. I got so wrapped up in becoming part of a couple, that I forgot to cement myself in the process. TOO QUICK.

I finally realized, after a major no-no, what the problem actually involved.

ME.

In this infernal quest for me to be accepted back into society. I chose the easy route. I became involved in his life. I leeched off him. I sucked his life force for my own. This sounds harsh. In actuality, it is a broad statement but to the point. I used him, he used me.

It is funny how quickly one's life can change. I look back on my relationship with him and begin to realize different things about myself.

I do want someone. I do want the security of a loving home and someone there to share my life with me. I do want the monotony of "coupledom". I do want private jokes. I do want joint accounts. I want someone to share my life.

The problem, in essence, is my lack of a fruitful and successful life of my own. I am working very hard towards the goal. I feel good about myself and YES, I do want someone.

The timing is just off. I finally realize, after all the bullshit and drama, that I am not ready for the "coupledom". I have to conquer the "singledom" first and foremost. Some would argue I am copping out of the chance for something wonderful with this man. Others would say "get your head and house in order" before I can even think of a relationship. Either way, someone gets hurt. Although, without pain there is no gain. Correct?

Anywho. Back to the underwear.

Is it an unwritten rule that when gay men end a relationship the biggest concern is the clothes? I am totally serious. In my life, I have had three exclusive relationships. (I am not a young man here--and not a HO either!) In each of these relationships, when they have ended, the biggest bitch and hardest part of the ending was the "who gets what"! Arguments over jeans. Socks. Shirts. Belts. And, of course, underwear.

Gay men are like women when it comes to the undies. Every man has his own taste. Every man knows what makes his "boys" feel safe and comfortable. Every man is POSSESSIVE of what is basic right! His choice and selection of undies. Crazy? Yes. True? Yes. Insane. No.

In the process of gathering my odd assortment of things from his house this morning. I stopped for a second and all I was thinking about was "where are my white, thigh high cut spandex/cotton blend undies"? Perhaps it was my way of dealing with him sitting on his step stool watching me pack up my things. An act of remorse? Hell no. An act of pride. An act of "thoze iz my clothz bitch.....don't even thinkz of taking that shirt"! (Sorry the black woman in me is coming out!) I assured him that I wasn't taking anything of his, but gay men are predatory when it comes to the wardrobe.

I sit here and smile now thinking of this moment with him.
The lost look in both of our eyes.
The knowing look that this was going to happen.
The abruptness of the ending.
The reasoning of the ending.
The ending.

In everyone life. Endings, like beginnings are a constant. Each ending bringing you a little closer to what you are supposed to be in this life.

Thank you, peanut, for giving me the strength and power to stand.

Here's to the next chapter.......OH......and I got the undies!