WHAT A DAY!

Today began as any other day.
Getting up.
Letting the dog out.
Coffee.
School.
Taking a friend to his Parole appointment.
Sitting with friend.
Meeting his parole officer.
Watching him be arrested for a parole violation.......

I came home.
Acted as if nothing was wrong.
I cleaned house.
Avoided people.
Did senseless chores. (i.e. cleaning out silverware drawers, dusting ceiling fans)
Avoided phone calls.
Scrubbed the toilet and bathtub.

It was then that the reality of it all hit me.

Pictured above is where my friend will spend a minimum of 90 days. It will take 90 days for the system to even process him, and then the judge will decide what to do with my friend.

Shall I tell you why he was violated? $120.00 in back intervention fees. You see, it is a little known tidbit of information within the Missouri Department of Corrections. Every prisoner, upon his/her release has to PAY to be on parole. These men/women, myself included, are told upon entering the parole system -ON THE SAME DAY THEY ARE RELEASED FROM PRISON- that they have to pay $30.00 a month to be on parole.
Ironic?
Stupid?
Criminals returning to crime?
TO PAY TO STAY OUT OF PRISON?

Granted, my friend, was/is in college at the same place I go. I got re-acquainted with him three weeks ago. He is a "youngster". He is approximately 27 years old and is trying to rebuild his life. He has been out of prison for 13 months. He had no one when he got out. Lived in a shelter for 5.5 months. Got a shitty job.

Picked himself up.....but along the way he missed 4 months of intervention fees.

This "youngster" would not take money from me.
He would not take any kind of a hand out.
He is bound and determined to make his life better, on his own merits and work.

I admire him for that.
I accompanied him to his parole appointment, as a fellow human to human, gave a friend a ride so he could save $2.25 on a bus pass.
He wanted me to meet his parole officer.
I met his parole officer.
His parole officer told me I was now in violation for "malingering and associating with a felon"....

I called my parole officer.
She told me to sit and wait. (My parole is out of another district in the city, not the same as my friends.)
I did.
It was the longest 45 minutes of my life.

Tears.
Confusion.
Worry.
Fear.

COMPLETE loss of reality for 45 minutes straight.

My parole officer came.
I was cleared.
My friend was arrested.
All his hard work, down the drain, over $120.00.

Someone please explain the justification and the sanity of all of this?
It will cost, easily 10 times that to house him for 90 days.
WHAT THE FUCK???

I am sorry for the bluntness and stark reality of this posting.
I am still flush faced sitting here just typing this out.

I do apologize to everyone I shut out today.

This just shores up for me how precious time and decisions that you are forced to make never work out.

peace.
rodney

In my posting last night, I was distraught.

I was upset.

I was human.

Reflecting back on this wide 12 hours, I realize one thing.

At this time, exactly one year ago, I was locked in an 8 x 10 cell with another man whom I didn't even know. The picture is of Moberly Correctional Center.

I have line and a box to my housing unit.

2A.

Honor dorm.

My biggest thrill, on Saturday mornings, was the thought of walking the track for one hour and getting a bag of fresh popped popcorn.

The irony lies in the fact that I would kill for that feeling of "wanting" again.

The wanting of that damn popcorn.

The wanting and feeling of hope that one day I am out of prison.

The wanting of friends.

The wanting of a job.

The wanting of being able to take a shower without anyone watching or cruising me.

The simple pleasure of a cup of coffee with my flavored creamer.

The simple pleasure of a washer and dryer with the lovely smell of Downy.

The simple thought of fresh air without a razor wire separating me from the real world.

In essence........

I have gotten what I so, desperately, needed and hoped.

I refuse to have another bad feeling about my life.

I refuse to let someone or something dictate my daily dreams and aspirations.

I refuse to let "life" get to me in a negative way.

I refuse to go back to prison. Neither a prison of my mind or of steel.

As Oprah said in "the Color Purple"............."Sophia home, Sophia home"..................

Never ends........

Friday has been the final straw.....

Work sucked.
My friendships suffered.
My partner scolded and "clocked" me.

It is Friday, 5:30pm.
Everyone else I know is at home or out with family and friends, and I am still at work.......

I am trying not to be upset.
I am trying to hold it all together.

I don't know if I can.

My heart is broken. My spirit is not far behind. My soul is aching......

I know, GROW UP, Be a man..........

I spend every day of my life trying to hold my head high.
I try to be the best I can be.
I try to be everything in life I am destined to be.

I just always fall short of that goal.....

My life since January 30, 2008 has not been easy.
Transitions.
Lost friends.
New friends.
No solid family.
Job that pays nothing.
Complete lack of anything tangible that I can hold in my hands to say "it is mine".......

I am not complaining.
I am not crying wolf.
I am just tired of trying so hard for it not to be enough.

Everyone that matters to me states, "it is fine, you will pull through".
Just don't lay your life on me, or make my life uncomfortable.

I know I have love in my life.
I know I have love in my heart to share.

I just want to feel as if "anything" I am doing at this point matters?
Is my "prime" life time gone?


Is that crazy?

Flow of thoughts.....

I just wanted to post a little something .

It has been an insane week.

School, work, home, laundry, the dog, reflections, and just trying to stay afloat.

In general, LIFE.

My mind has been full of my "rehab" stint over the last 48 hours.

I don't know why.

I can't shake the feeling of the doors slamming shut in my mind.

Is my mind trying to tell me something?

I keep replaying the horror of it all.

The complete loss of self and respect.

The loss of my pride.

The loss of my life.....

I know it is in the past.

It has made me the man I am today. (However anyone wants to see it.)

When, or if ever, will these underlying currents of hopelessness stop ebbing on my shores?

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!

In the quest to have a good weekend, I wanted everyone to know that "ponch" knows you are a "mo"!

How funny is that pic? How funny is the hair? How big a crush did you all have on him and his motorcycle?

Here's to a week ending and another weekend of friends, fun, and laughter!

Talk to you all soon!

rodney

BOOZIN' FOR BOXERS

Hey all,

A shout out for this fundraiser.

It is at one of my most favoritist, special, funnest, happiest, places on the planet!

My Luvy Duvy's! (Not technically mine-YET!!)

Check this place out! Great food, great girls, and probably, the most relaxed atmosphere in St. Louis. http://www.luvyduvys.com/index.html Where else can you go and hear both Kenny Chesney and Jimmy Buffet on the speakers? Where else can you surround yourself with the "latest" gossip and pirate paraphernalia!

It is only $20.00 bucks in advance, $25.00 the night of the benefit. Alcohol, appetizers and live music? Where else can one find that on a Saturday night? At least stop in to see the place and "witness" the love and family atmosphere.

No strangers allowed! --once you are there, you are automatically

embraced in that "southern" grace and charm. Come try it out!

I am speaking from a biased but honest opinion.

Cass and Jaxx have did more for our St. Louis "family" than anyone I know!

Love you both. My "POSSEY" and myself will be there with dog whistles on!!

peace!

Rain, Rain, Rain........

What a soaking! The remnants of Hurricane Ike provided some much needed relief to my soul and my plants. I adore the rain. I adore the clouds. I adore the smell of the falling water.

It was so refreshing to have a vault of memories come flooding back to me via the raindrops.

Simple times with my brothers and sisters.

Sitting on the front porch with my Mom.

Walking to school with my green umbrella.

Old movies with old friends.

It was very nice.

The early afternoon was spent preparing invitations to my birthday party. Joe and I had quite a good time preparing and wrapping the chocolate bars with the invite. We headed to Laura's house to do a quick errand with her, and then headed to Clem's.

Numerous people. Numerous friends. I never realized how many people Joe and I know! It was amazing. I've always known we/I was friendly. But, GEEZ!--yesterday was a terrific boost to my self esteem. (Free candy bars and a party go a LONG way!) I re-connected with a few people, met a few new people, and shored up some valuable friendships.

The evening ended with a dead car battery.

Thank you, Uncle Edward, for jumping me in the parking lot!

And a revelation.

I looked down at my red toes and realized what a wonderful life I have.

Thank you to everyone in my life. You are my inspiration, my heart, and my soul.

"myspace" experience......

SO.....after much trepidation and boredom, I decided to set up a "my space" account.

Could it be I am too old to understand the "draw" of this site?

Is it yet "another" site for the mindless draw and waste of time for today's youth?

In setting up the account , I clicked a link that automatically emailed everyone in my contacts list to let them know I had set up the "myspace" account.

TALK ABOUT BLAST FROM THE PAST!!

I received some very interesting emails from people "long" ago in my past. Some of the letters were very hurtful. Some were funny. Most were shocked! Shocked that I was out of prison. Shocked that I would have the "gall" to contact them!

WHATEVER!!

I took my lumps. I ate my pride. And then I realized something. In this life, if you worry about the opinions of anyone other than those who matter to you, you are CRAZY!!

I started back to school this week. And let me tell you, if "myspace" made me feel old, imagine being in a classroom of 18-22 year olds!! (and for the record, YES, that is me and my pottie going down the sidewalk on STLCC-Forest Park campus! A girl must wear a scarf to fight off the winter colds!! ASSHOLES!!)

A typical 5 minutes on campus......

"Hey, ole gee", upon entering the restroom.

"You hear to complain about your son/daughters grades?" , from the registar's office.

"What up, ole gee", upon exiting the restroom.

"What class do you teach?", from the bookstore.

"Hey, ole gee", while using the restroom!!

It amazes me the freedom and "frankness" of today's youth!

(Did I really just write that sentence?)

I have always prided myself on being up on the latest trends, lingo, and such, but MY GOD, it is as if I have entered the 21st century via a time machine from 1986.

I am often accused of pondering the past, via this day and age, as if I am 80 years old.

Perhaps I do take some things to seriously.

Perhaps I long for the "innocent" days of my early 20's.

PERHAPS!@! I am just old.

Either way, I'm here. I take this "old" body and sit in the classroom looking at today's future.......

EVERYONE BE FRIGHTENED!!

This feeling is one I am sure everyone on the planet HAS to experience to survive! Damn KARMA!!

Peace,

rodney

Remembering the summer of 2008.

I just left my dear sisters blog, http://bosssoundingboard.blogspot.com/, and am quite amazed at the joy that fills my heart. If someone had told me the summer of 2008 would change my life, I would have laughed in their face.

From the moment I accepted who I was and what I had become, life was different.

People were different.

Acceptence on my own personal level was the key to my happiness.

The wonderful people who are in my life's orbit are not ordinary.

They are each and everyone unique.

Each of them possess something that heightens and brightens my own existence.

Laura's "stand up and attack for what and who you believe in" attitude.

Uncle Doug's "can't you just be" attitude.


John and Roger's unwavering love and "togetherness".

Uncle Edward's "frank, blunt, and honest" take and view on life!

Annie's solace and "understanding" of friendship and being yourself.

Terri's "motherly" love and devotion to her family and myself.



My "Luvy Duvy's" fix and therapy!

Brian's "steady pace wins the race" attitude.

Jay's "do it for you, no one else will" attitude.

Joe and Lori's "tried and true" friendship.

Maxx's sheer joy and pleasure from nothing but seeing my face.

Stalker Terry's "kiss my ass if you don't like it" attitude!

Joseph.

The man who truly made me believe in myself and love again.

His heart, body, and soul outweigh every other human on earth.

I am surrounded by people who care. I am also surrounded by the haters, hanger-ons, and deceitful people in life. The glory lies in the above people. There is never one night that my pillow does not hit my head that I am not thankful for everyone of them! I am truly blessed.

A sense of sadness enters my heart at the close of this summer and pool season. Many problems, solutions, arguments, love, and pleasure were achieved within our "group". There are many more to follow. Here's to the remainder of the 2008 year!

peace,

rodney

Reflections......again.

Last night was quite the adventure.

Rain, flat tires, old partner, new partner, RAIN..........

Let me just make one fact clear. I hate driving in the rain. I hate riding in a car in the rain.

The evening started off as any other. At Blockbuster trying to find a DVD for the rainy evening. Delivery pizza and movie were the plans.

Ring, Ring........

My ex. God love him. He had a flat tire at work. OF COURSE, work is in North County, the time is 5:15, rush hour, and again, IT IS RAINING!!

I go home, load up my car and get Joe and we head out.

First discussion. Quickest way to UMSL. We decide to take 40 to I-70 north. CRAWLING!! My nerves are racing because of the rain. I am smoking a cigarette with the window cracked for ventilation. I am traveling about 10-15 miles per hour in the center lane when an SUV decides to pass me in the left lane at about 55 miles per hour.

SPLASH!

Right through the window. I am horrified, Joe is laughing, and before I can react to roll the window up, another freekin' car speeds by and, yes

SPLASH!!

A second time..........

It took approximately 45 minutes to travel 12 miles to UMSL campus. Face and left side of my body soaked. (it was quite amusing--NOW, not then!) My nerves were not well!

I know, long set up to reflections.

It is odd the feeling that comes over my body and mind at times like that.

I am automatically transported back to 3 years ago when my ex and I were together. TOO FUNNY..........

I then reflect back to the one before him, and the one before him, and then to the WOMAN before him! (No comments, see the pictures to the right. I covered her face for her own protection!! What was I thinking with that mustache? BUT...look at the brows.....again, FABULOUS!! But what happened to my HAIR!)

Each of these "ex-es" were unique. Yet, each were identical. (JOE-you are nothing like any of them!)

The pattern I followed in my life is scary. I always searched for an individual that was able to stand on their own, and ended up in a co-dependent relationship where the line of partner and care-giver/taker meshed. Make sense?

Probably not.

At this point, I want to go on the record as stating my last ex is one of the dearest, caring, loving individuals on the planet. He will and would help anyone...........

My current partner is just as loving but he has that ingrained notion that I love. Gumption, problem solving, resourceful........and frank.

You see, in the past, I always looked for my happiness through the happiness of my partner. If I made them happy, then, of course, I was happy!

WRONG!!!

It has truly taken a miracle and a lot of hard work to realize that happiness for myself is not in the face or the mind of my partner. It is in the happiness I receive from sharing my life with someone.

So....to my ex-es......I am sorry for hurting your lives for my own growth. I just pray that you grew along the way also.

Labor Day, 2008.

In this entry to my blog I am going to let the photos speak for themselves! It was a perfect ending to a perfect summer! From the pool to the "tightie whitie" contest at Clems, an ultimate summer day! Thank you to all my friends and "family"! I could never have survived without all of you in my corner! Love you ALL!!

Reflecting back.

I thought I would take some time this morning in the quietness of my surroundings to dig a little into my past. So much of what we are today is a reflection of our past life. How it effects your future and your outlook is greatly swayed by your upbringing and home life. My home life was not that great. Surprise, surprise. I had a loving mother, eventually. 3 strong siblings, a 4th to appear on my 21st birthday. And a vacant father. Again, surprise, surprise.

Here is a picture of me right before the divorce of my parents. (More proof that my eyebrows have always been FABULOUS!!)Up until this point, my life had been okay. Two parents, one brother, one sister and a grandmother who loved me more than anyone on the planet. I was schooled in a rural school with approximately 20 other kids. We had all started kindergarten together and had been to each others houses and numerous trips. Life was great. So, I led myself to believe. My father drank like a fish. My mother was discontent with her life and her marriage of inconvenience. My siblings and I had each other.......and we needed nothing else. No one forced us to love each othere, we were all we had.

My parents divorced in 1976. Quite the scandal in 1976. We were a strong catholic family in an even stronger catholic town. My mother was "blackballed", as they say, and we had to start from scratch. This was the turning point in my life. My life as a sibling had ended. My life as a child had come to an end. I was now relegated to the role of homemaker/father figure/supporter/and outcast in a new town. We moved from our little town of Bloomsdale to the "big" city of Ste. Genevieve. UGG!! I hated it. All sense of normalcy was gone. All sense of support and love had just been shattered. Yet, my biggest concern was my mother and siblings happiness. I can remember it like it just happened yesterday. I truly believe adults, that are victims of divorce, mark the day of their parents split as one of the single most life altering moments in their life. It effected me profoundly. I had always been secure and popular with myself and my friends. All of this had been taken from me in about a months time. Switching schools in the middle of the year. Not knowing anyone at all. AND living in a big city. I had always been a country boy. (Yes, gathering eggs, weeding gardens, running through the woods, and not wearing shoes all summer long!) We struggled daily. Shit, we struggled nightly. Mom was working around the clock to support us and I was doing my best, as a child adult, to make her life at home happy. Pretty big orders for a ten year old boy. It made me the man I am today. Literally!

In the picture to the right I am about 12 years old. I feel as if I am 30. I have always felt old. Look at those kids! To this day I have a hard time believing they are my brothers and sisters, not my children. Rhonda, Chris, and Dennis were my life. My sole purpose for being on the planet. I sacrificed whatever and whenever I could to make these siblings happy. My mother finally acknowledged my lack of a childhood on my 30th birthday! (That is a whole different blog to come!) In this picture we are staying with my Mom's best friend, Marilyn's, because our house had been flooded by the mighty Mississippi, yet again, and we were there for 3 months! PURE HELL! On top of my brothers and sisters, I was also now responsible for Marilyn's to young boys! PURE HELL! Thank god that we didn't stay there long!

From Marilyn's house we went to a 2 bedroom single wide trailer. ( Yes, insert trailer trash joke here! I've heard em all!) PURE HELL! I have and continue to try and block every memory of the three summers in that cracker box without air conditioning. No TV. Cockroaches. And the arrival of Mom's new man. All 6 of us living in this goddamn trailer! Pitiful does not even start to describe it! This is the time in my life that I started working. 12 years old and I began bussing tables for .75 cents an hour to help with the bills. How did we survive? I still had the responsibility of my brothers and sisters, but now, Mom's man thinks he can call the shots! HA! I have never forgiven Mom or her man for this time in my life. So many bad decisions on her part. The decisions affecting everyone of us. Life moved on this way for 6 more years. Then Mom bought the home she died in. We moved there my senior year of high school.

As you can see in the picture to the left. I was very unhappy. (See, my eyebrows even look good when I am fat!) Unhealthy. My weight in this picture is right around 300 lbs. I had become the funny fat family member who took care of everything and cooked and ate everything in site. Looking at this picture now, NO wonder all my family is thin. I never let them eat anything but my scraps! AGAIN, PATHETIC!

This picture was a literal turning point for me. I had to regain control of my future. I decided I was joing the air force. A self conscious slap in the face to my mother and my family. I had turned down a full ride scholarship to Memphis State so I could stay and take care of my family. And guess what! My mother gets pregnant with another child! That was it! I was so gone! What an IDIOT! I had seen the reality of my mistake and decided to follow in my FATHERS footsteps and join the military! What a summer that was! Fights, arguments, tears, followed by more fights and tears with my mother. I won though! I just had to lose the weight.

When everyone finally noticed the weight loss they knew I

was serious about getting out of the one horse town of Ste. Genevieve. In the picture on the right, (NOTICE the eyebrows! Still fabulous!) I am in the pool with my baby sister. She is approximately 9 months old. I am still 20 lbs too heavy to get in the military. My Mom said I looked like a cancer victim. I had lost approximately 100 pounds in a little less than a year. My life seemed as if it was finally on track. So I thought.

I joined the Air Force, traveled the states, and decided to marry my high school sweetheart. This is where the story ends today. The next blog will be about high school and my marriage.

Till then,

peace out.

Sunday, August 31, 2008.

Well, yesterday was all about laziness. Neither Joe or myself had the inclination or the energy to tackle the task of going to the gay rodeo. We laid in the pool for a while. Then went to Bad Dog with Dr. Small to play in the pool tournament. Dr. Small whooped that homo ass! She is an amazing woman! Respected, feared, and loved! You are the best!

Joseph got sick and we came home. Watched a movie and were in bed by 8:30!

A wasted day! Just what the doctor ordered!