A mother's love.......

As time moves forward, my heart aches for a time of long ago.

My mother was taken at far too young an age. She would have been 60 today. Only 20 years older than me. Time is cruel in the fact that one never knows when it is going to run out. When the final click on your clock winds down. When the final grain of sand falls. Nothing is timeless. Everything is effected. Everyone is affected. Nothing is sacred.

Over the years many people have told me to cling to the memories of my mother. To hold dear and wrap myself in the warmth of her love. To placate my feelings with a sublime message from the great beyond. My mother's love and warmth never to be replaced. A hole in my psyche' and heart that will never heal. A rip in my soul that everyone has to share with the human race.

There is little relief in the knowledge that everyone will lose their parents. There is little hope in the great "thereafter" of meeting up again in another realm or reality.

The cold hard truth is you must just move forward. Aimlessly for a while. Careening out of control, plotting your own demise, and recklessly pointing yourself back towards a semi-productive life.

Along this journey the lessons learned are heartbreaking, backbreaking, soul sucking, and necessary.

Each "human" must endure.

Each "human" must embrace the oddity of this evolution in ones own life.

Each "human" must survive............................


I sing a praise of joy and love for my Mother.

She, and I am completely biased, was the greatest soul on earth.

She struggled.

She loved.

She was embittered.

She was human.

She was my mother.......................................

Due time for life.

As I write this posting, thoughts of my past are heavy in my mind. Today is my baby brother's 35th birthday. It almost seems surreal.

35 years of a connection.
35 years of life.
35 years of happiness and pain.
35 years of searching.

I've observed my siblings for some odd 30 years and it is a reflection of life.

A reflected pattern that emerged from 3 generations of family abuse. Family neglect. Family torture.

My siblings and I were never "sexually" abused or exploited, our abuse was the good kind.

This abuse was and is the kind that never left a mark on the outside.

No external welts.

No external scars.

Nothing concrete to the naked eye.


This abuse is the kind that doesn't rear it's ugly head until you are older, a little wiser, and hopefully, a little stronger from the bullshit of your reality.

This "abuse/neglect" was never purposefully inflicted, it was just a combination of our own parents upbringing, my Father's drinking, and the feeling of self worthlessness on the part of both of our parents.

I don't think parents or children realize the impact of childhood. That is until it is too late. How does one make up for, or better yet, rationalize the effects of inadequacy inflicted on youthful souls? I know our upbringing fucked up a huge portion of all of our lives. Our lives are a direct result of our environments. I am not knocking my parents, they did the best they knew. They tried, sometimes succeeded, but mostly, failed. Failure in the aspect of continuity. Nothing was ever concrete. Nothing was ever finished. Everything was always a work in progress.

In the process of my growing for these odd 40 years many "instances" have entered my life. Most of these "instances" have been self inflicted. Most of them have involved people I care about. Always they have involved those I love.

The crazy thing about this "abuse" is it is never ending. It always "pays itself forward". It is like a mutated virus that continues to grow even after it has been isolated. This mutation feeds off of both my personal success and failures. It never wants to leave and it always has to be fed. Either by negative or positive energy. The key to my own happiness is to try and strangle and starve this mutation by kindness. It is truly a continuous, daily struggle to bury and at the same time, grow and accept my past.

In prison, I got a lot of time to reflect. Neither good nor bad. Time didn't and doesn't stand still. I, actually, made peace with a lot of demons from my past. My father didn't mean to be a drunk. He had no choice. He had a choice in some things in his life, but as usual with life, it careened out of his control. He reached a point where nothing or no one could rescue him. He did what any man does. He tried, the alcohol won, and he died.

No glory. No drama. Just life.

My mother went the other way. She tried to achieve. She did achieve. She made her decision as a mother to live for her children. She did the best she knew and could do, and moved forward. Never stagnating, but always, just trying to stay ahead of the game.

No glory. No drama. Again, just life.

In my life, I have always searched for an answer as to why I am the way I am. The typical "why me" syndrome. Again. No sane person does this. It is wise to ask questions regarding your life, but then to get the answers, and ignore them? That was my problem. The ignorance card I played for so long kept getting me into trouble. NO MORE. I accept my past, embrace it actually, and have learned a few of the lessons from my fore-mothers and fathers.

NO glory. NO drama-anymore. Just life.

"That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger"
--BULLSHIT!--
It just really makes you crazier!!!

Back to my siblings. All of them have made a conscious effort to procreate. Yes, the cycle continues. But, much to my delight, each of them has made forward progress in their parenting. Thus shattering my "myth" and gloom of history repeating itself. Each of my nieces and nephews have a glow and mystery to them. Each of them infused with our past sins and glories. Each one a new branch on a very old tree. Our job, as their link to the past, is to let them grow with the love and support we never felt we received.

So with this happy thought, I wish my baby brother another 35 years. May it only take him 35 years to figure out what it has taken me 40 plus!

Happy Birthday little one. You will always be "bear". I love you.

Week Overdue.

It has been an interesting week. Surgeries. Deaths. Bus crashes. Rain and flooding. Breakups. Realizations of present lives.

Where to begin. My best friend had shoulder surgery this week. It is very humbling to watch someone you admire for their strength and attitude be sucked into a vacuum of pain. She is making an amazing recovery. Her strength and spirit are stronger than ever. She has taught me, yet again, another valuable lesson. No matter what happens to yourself, you only have yourself to lean on in the dire moments. Vulnerability is for wimps. Neediness is for losers. Real people suck life up and move forward. Regardless of the obstacles.

This thought and experience with my best friend has opened another door in my mind. This door is one that is heading into the relationship I thought I was in. Of course, I was corrected. I was scolded. I was made to learn in no uncertain terms that I am rushing things, am too needy and need to back off. Lesson learned. Message received. The kicker with all of this is the next day the rules go back to a different playing field. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm as fucked up as the next person. But I refuse to be a ping pong ball for someone else's emotional strains. I am living my life with the truth and honesty of someone who is scared to death, yet I am not so selfish or scared to say what I truly feel. Does this make me needy? I thought it made me honest and straightforward. I guess in the "dating/relationship/fuck buddy" game, honesty is what gets men into trouble. Dishonesty is, I guess, the key to a fucked up relationship. Being secretive and holding in thoughts and emotions that keep those who you want to be closest to you at bay, is the going thing. Honesty is for wimps! CORRECT? NOT!!

I refuse to play the game. I respect myself too much. I respect the feelings of everyone I come into contact with. I, guess, I want that same respect returned. Is that too much to ask? Who knows, I guess so.

I don't have the time or the inclination to play "hold on, will see, I need you, I don't need you, I love you, I think it is too fast, I can't be without you, I can't stand to be an "old married" couple. As prison taught me, Man up......shit or get off the pot. Don't make me pay for others mistakes. I have enough of my own sins and guilt.

Someone dear to me lost his Grandmother last week. It was extremely tough on my emotions. I didn't know the lady, but I know him. I know death, and I have dealt with it WAY too much in my life. Her passing not only touched my world, but the world of my friend. I view it as life is to short to wait for things. He won't tell me how he views it. Again, everyone deals in their own way.

Rain, flooding and bus crashes. I cannot believe the amount of rain that has fallen in the last week. It is as if we should start building the ark. Devastating flooding along the river communities. It is horrendous.

Last Tuesday, as I was on my home from class. The metro bus I was on got rammed by a car that ran a stop sign. Again, a wake up call. I could have been killed. It was just that random. I refuse to let stupid little life problems fester to the point of "problems". I could be gone right now, instead, I sit here and embrace life for what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

All of this past week drama has made me realize what a great life I have.

Just a typical, average, never boring life.

NO REGRETS........

I awaken this morning in a state of shock and awe. Shock at the relief that is off my heart and in awe of the power of self. A simple task, attacked head on by me, has granted my life a reprieve.

Move forward. Don't look back. Remember the good, never forget the bad. Chalk it all up to life experience.

I will not regret any action taken forth in my life from this second on. I am and will be making a super conscious decision to wrestle any conflict headed my way.

Thank you, for the gift of my life.

SICK, SICKER, THE SICKEST.................................

What a weekend. Old friends, new friends, lost friends, and "who gives a shit" friends.

Emergency rooms, night sweats, lack of oxygen, and the "past" colliding with the future.

I'm sick. Literally. I was. 101 degree fevers, hacking cough, couldn't breathe, and restless nights. I think my body was telling me to get things in order. I was slowly poisoning myself with my surroundings. Useless feelings of concern of what people think of me. Unheard thoughts of worthlessness. It all finally caught up with me.

The great thing about being at the bottom of your health is the climb back up. Not only are you thankful that you are feeling better, but in hindsight, as usual, a whole vision of clarity appears.

Many "situations" came to light in the past 72 hours. Again, a moment of clarity opens all the doors or lights the path on which one should be.

I started a job on Friday evening. It was fine. It felt great to go to bed exhausted from work. It felt great to know that I actually earned the money in my pocket. It felt great to know that feeling of self sustainment. It is not a rocket science job, but it put some money in my pocket. And, it allowed me the feeling of self respect again!

A good friend arrived from out of town on Friday afternoon to bring a much needed jolt to my psyche. A man of few words, but the words he stated were monumental. The words brought the force of my being into perspective. This perspective being, my just "being". Crazy, huh? You see, this friend of mine forced me to look at my life from both vantage points. Pre and Post prison. They are extremely different, but they BOTH are what make me the man I am now. Sweet and honest. Sincere and funny. He will always have my heart.

On Sunday, I faced my worst demon. Myself. This point is the one where I literally became toxic in my own bloodstream. Words were said. Actions occurred. Feelings were made known.
I spent the majority of Sunday thinking and working through these demons as they were occurring. I want to say I won, but my body told me different. Progress comes in baby steps.

Needless to say, I am starting, yet again, with a clean slate. All baggage is gone. All baggage will not be forgotten, but priorities have been set. A new life is what I got, and I new life is what I have to live.

peace, out.

Freedom.......again.

Today's entry is going to elaborate on yesterday's blog entry. My freedom is not the issue. I am embracing, holding, worshipping, and celebrating every minute of my life. I gave the wrong impression to a lot of people with my posting yesterday.

I AM NOT TRAPPED.

I AM NOT A PRISONER, ANYMORE, THAN ANYONE ELSE WHO IS TRYING TO SORT OUT THEIR LIFE.

I have been given one of the greatest gifts on the planet. That of forgiveness. Selfless love. Respect. And integrity. I, finally, realized all these things come from within my self. I cannot and will not look for these attributes from anyone else, for myself. For 40 odd years I searched for completion of my self.

All the while, the answer was right in front of my face. It was buried deep within my broken heart.

It still amazes me, the depth of the human spirit and soul in every person. It is truly amazing to have life come back at you full force, for all the right reasons. Not for the "bad".

I still struggle with insecurities, as do most, but I will not allow them to win this time.

I am worth it. (If this sounds like an Oprah moment--I guess it is!) Something has clicked. Something has registered in this big watermelon head of mine. Faith in myself is slowly building to a rolling boil.

Two complete strangers took a chance on me. I had faith in them, they had trepidations on their mind. I had to sell myself as worthy.

Guess what? I did it. It was easy.

In seperating myself from my old thoughts and surroundings, a door was blown wide open for me. A window of opportunity. For most people it would not be a big opportunity. For me it is HUGE.

This opportunity reinforces what I have known all along. Again, the human spirit is one of surprises and joy.

But, and this is a big BUT.

For this one opportunity to occur for me, I had to have a 100 doors slammed in my face.

A friend of my friend, gave her friend a chance.

This "friend"(-me-) will never be able to express the joy and wonder of her belief in me!

One friend to believe in me enough to "help" me with my struggle of independence and self worth.

This 'action" of true friendship does seperate her from all the rest! She was willing and is willing to go out on a limb for me. I would take a bullet for her, and most of my friends. But, I can honestly say-she and, one other, are the only two who would return the favor.

You see, most of my friends are of the "me" generation. My incarceration impacted their life when I left.

I was gone for a year. I came back. I'm different. I'm a "new" person. This "new" person is a threat to the status quo. The status quo is fine, it is just not for me. (amen)

The point I am trying to make in this rambling, is the fact of belief and trust in just another human. My friends are great people, they are just too into themselves. OR-they just are that ignorant to the needs of society. Which I know is not the case. I pride myself on my choice of friends--or I did. I am not speaking specifically about my situation. (Although, many of them work for huge companies and own private companies-and the offer of employment was not and I honestly believe, will not ever be brought up.)

I am speaking specifically about the whole of the nation.

I know I am not the only one in this boat. I attend a re-entry class with 20 other people. Everyone of us has our skeletons, everyone of us just wants a chance. I, honestly, don't think three-fourths of us will make it. It is a proven statistic that the recidivism rate is at 80%. SO....that means out of the 20 of us, at least 16 will return to jail! What does that say about society?

Why should I care? Why should anyone else? I didn't before it happened to me.

We, as a society, have to offer and give support to anyone who is down on their luck. My favorite saying is "I don't want a hand out, I want a helping hand." It is very true that it is harder to ask for help than to just suffer in silence. There in essence is the problem with America's throw away society. Not convenient, brush it aside. Not easy, concentrate on a celebrity and her custody battles.

enough.

My point is this simple.

Thanks to the generousity of an unknown man and woman having faith in me as a person, not a prior convict, my soul has grown a little stronger.

If this simple act from a stranger has impacted my life. Can you imagine how good everyone and anyone in your life would feel from a random act of kindness? A random "sweet" thought and wish expressed out of concern, not out of obligation?

A quarter in a homeless mans cup is worth more to him than the $380 million powerball for this Saturday.

BUT, and I'll put my life on this, the average Missourian will spend at least $10.00 for a one in a QUADMILLIONBILLIONTRILLION chance to hit the powerball. And laugh at the homeless person, or yell at them to get a job on their way to Quicktrip to get their Powerball ticket!

Take a second to consider this:

1. Do you honestly think anyone wants to be in the situation that lessens your value among society?

2. Do you honestly think that society, in general, LOVES the thought of plight among their own?

3. This plight, it sure makes you feel superior!

4. Good luck on your POWERBALL chances.

WOW......I did not know this was going to come out. I'm glad it has though. If it makes a difference to one person, it was worth it!

Have a great weekend friends. God bless and protect you all!

Freedom......

The thought of freedom conjures many thoughts to one's mind. Freedom in the aspect of choice. Freedom in the ability to love. Freedom in the process of living. Each of these freedoms feeding off the choices we make. Each choice bringing us closer to the freedom of our being.

You see, I've always thought freedom meant sacrifice. Now ,I know for a fact, it does.

In sacrificing your "freedom" you allow others to see their full potential.

At this point in my life, someone special has spun my head 180 degrees.

I wasn't ready for it. He, I think, still isn't ready for it.

Yet, it is as if my "freedom" has become my prison. My own personal prison in the aspect that I cannot separate my re-building of my life from the future I want with this someone special. I know I am being selfish, self centered, egotistical, and possesive. It doesn't matter to me.

Prison teaches you many things. The number one thing is to grasp ahold and never let go of what you want or love.

Perhaps it is to quick. Perhaps I am being reckless.

Maybe, just maybe..........I am right on target.

The unknowing of life's mysteries makes for a great play. A great book. A great poem.

It sucks for reality.

The reality of this situation is the "stigma" that I have attached to my own head. The "judgemental mentality" that I place upon myself. Granted, it is always going to be there, but I am slowly learning and realizing that I do deserve happiness.

I don't know why I am expressing all of this for the world to see, but I want everyone to know how I feel. I am tired of feeling as if I am doing something wrong. I am tired of feeling as if I should play by all the standard rules when it comes to relationships and love. How can humans ever live up to the standards we place on each other and one's self? I don't think it is possible.

The one possibility I do believe in, right now, is the possibility of chance. An eager, loving, "why not" chance for happiness.

I am ready for my life to go full "circle". I only pray I don't have to do it alone.

Light and fluffy............as I can be!

It was brought to my attention yesterday that I am a little "intense" on here. Please forgive me. My brain has been conditioned over the last year to get to the brass tacks of every situation. I am slowly learning the "old" way of communication tempered with this new attitude. I am not stating this new attitude is wrong or right, but at the present time, it is all I have.

Prison teaches you as a person to "stand" on your "man-box" and not get into your "feelings". I was always the opposite of this extension. I am slowly working back to the old way of thinking, with the right results.

With the the help of a loving soul that has entered my life, I have learned to trust myself and my decisions. His touch, thoughts, words, smile, and encouragement make me strive to be a better man than I have already started to become. Through his strength and indifference to my past, he is forging a path through the dismal territories of my life as it is right now. Thank you, special man.

My female friend has taught me again the gift of laughter, love and forgiveness. The banality of hanging on to past transgressions and the ability to laugh at all of life's follies. Her trust, strength, and quiet "force" guides me every morning. Her "no-nonsense" attitude. Her "larger than life" presence in my soul. Her "take no prisoner's" attitude coupled with an innocence that is found only in gentle souls. Thank you, special lady.


I thank the Lord every day for their presence and blessing in my life. These two people are truly two of the Guardian Angels that watch and protect me.

I, constantly, thank the Lord for my life.

Transgressions, warts, laughter, tears, and the entire crazy force that is my being.

I embrace it all and the people who are "crazy" enough to join me for the ride!

This is as "light and fluffy" as I can get. Perhaps, eating a III Musketeers while reading this would help!

Joy of life.

As I stood waiting for the bus this morning a chill ran down my spine. I realized I was standing in an 8 x 10 square piece of concrete. The memory of living with another person in an area this size with no freedom to leave woke me up real quick!

Prison flashback.

Traumatic.

Personal.

Exhilarating.

Totally freeing.

My mind, at the bus stop, took me back to an ice cold morning in January. The day was about two weeks before my release. I promised myself that morning as I breathed in the frigid air that I would never forget the feeling in my body and mind. The complete and utter feeling of entrapment. No freedom to move. No freedom to just "be". I vowed then and there never to take anything, anyone, any moment for granted.

I now realize I have been concetrating on the negatives. I have been looking at the "doom and gloom" of my life. WHY? HOW? STOP!!!!

I am thankful for so many things.
I am so happy to be alive.
I am so happy to be free.

This morning was, yet another, wake up call to my soul.

I can't even begin to list the blessings in my life. The closeness to certain individuals. The happiness in seeing familiar and new faces everyday. Kisses from friends dropping me off at the bus stop. Arguements with old friends. The ability to step out on my patio to watch the sun rise without razored wire in the foreground. I 've realized, again, the simple things in life are the best. Smiles. Laughter. Tears. Joy. Hope. Disappointment. They are all GOOD things in my life.

In this process and journey I am on right now, I have to remember that it is always darkest before the storm.

If this is my storm, I am so lucky.

SO....Thank you to my special family. Thank you to my bitchy friends. Thank you to judgemental mentalities. Thank you for old lives that have passed into something new for everyone.

Thank you for the gift of my life.

जोय ऑफ़ लाइफ

RAGE.

As I awake this morning, I reflect back to yesterday's activities. I cannot believe the rage that was in my system. Words were weapons. My eyes could not mask the fury that was bubbling in my brain.

Simple actions. Simple words. "Fun" comments. Not so funny.

How can people who say they are friends continue to treat me in the same manner? How can I make people see that I am different. How do I change the perceptions of those who once were so close to me. Better yet, why should I care or bother?

I've struggled with these thoughts for the better part of a month. I've let them simmer, stew deep within my heart. I am reaching a breaking point in my soul.

I've never been a violent man. I came close yesterday. The concept of returning to prison was in the back of my mind. I want to strike out at those "friends" who keep pushing me down. Better yet, why do I call them friends?

I'm going to let it all go. It is much easier to dismiss the bad, than to create even more ill feelings.

The bright point in all of this is the love and support I do receive from my "family". Their support and warmth make the rage and fury containable.

How much longer can I feel this way?

The state of life.

In the past week, I've tried to be analylitical in the use of my words.

Ideas. Thoughts.

In the impass of the last 48 hours my life has been turned upside down. Right side up. Discoveries of horrifying nature. I've leveled out.

Slipping.

The circle of life.?.?.

It has become increasingly harder to maintain my decorum. I've become weary of looks. I've become tired of comments from "friends". The constant awaiting of my "fuck up". It is surreal to me the depths that mankind, especially people I care about, await the fall from grace. It is as if they are waiting for my life to go back down the toilet.

The fake "how are you doing".

The false "if you need anything".

The treacherous "you look great".

The entire time their eyes are revealing the inner truth. Tragic.


Now. Let me explain something. Everyone that was in my life prior to prison is still there. It is just the capacity of change that EVERYONE has went through. I'm tired of these "friends" saying I need to adjust to the "old"way of life. With the exception of a handful of dear "family" members, nothing is the same. I know I have changed. I know they have changed.

The problem lies within the lack of interest my friends have put into their own lives. The scrutiny I have to lie under is fodder for their reasoning. If, and only if, they could point their scrutiny upon themselves, perhaps they could understand the growth a man goes through when faced with a life altering situation.

Again, no sympathy. No excuses. No reasoning. Just reality.

I'll be fine. I'll be great.

Will everyone else?

Moving forward.

This morning I sit here and think ahead to the future. A future of uncertainty. A future of hope. A future of joy. My mind tries to compress all the thoughts into a path. This path of self discovery and growth is limitless. I try to stop all the doubts from entering. The uncertainties. The unknown.

I try to embrace the changes that have occurred. I welcome the positive and the negative. For every "give" in life there is a "take". The great thing about prison is the way it alters your view of what is important. And that what is bullshit. Thinking back to the cold walls, the security of being closed off from everyone and everything, I had no choice but to purge my mind. I threw out the "garbage", weeded the flower bed, and tended the roots of what makes me strong. The result of this process has been cataclysmic. The terror of the truth. The positivity of the truth. The negativity of the people who want no part of the change.

The tricky part of changing is the effect it has on everyone's life. In life, most people shun change. They will tell you they are happy for you but deep inside resentment lies in wait.

In my days since my release, I have come to discover things about myself and my friends that I thought would never be an issue. Hurt. Pain. Despair. Loss. Love. The process is very painful for me. I know it is painful for those who care about me. The strange thing is, before prison, I would have reverted back to make everyone happy. I can't-won't-allow myself to fall into those feelings.

So.

The future is wide open. My mind is ready to embrace all the changes. Little. Big. Huge. Tiny. All of the changes momentous, all exciting. All for a better me. All for a better life for everyone included in my circle.

My circle. I own that. No one else does. No one can take it from me.

Letting go of demons.

In the course of the last twenty four hours, my life has went from disdain to complete confusion. Confusion in the sense of completion. Completion of attaining something I truly think I want to conquer. This conquering of self doubt is a tricky process. This process has been thrown a curveball in the shape of a loving soul. For the first time, I am beginning to realize the concept of selfless love. The kind of feelings that turn men into absolute baboons. Feelings that overwhelm, confuse, and elevate each sense of reality. The reality of this situation is completely self centered. Self centered in the fact that I am finally able to start to let go of the garbage that made me unaccessable to anyone. I want, no need, someone to share my life.

LEGAL PANHANDLING

Today I begin the humiliating process of seeing agencies for assistance. This process is in place to keep a person down. I am not unthankful for the help. I am just embarassed by the process. "Call this office, to schedule an appointment with this person, who has to refer you to the next office, to be told........."we can't help". On the rare moments of clarity in this process, you begin to doubt every fiber of what and who you have become. All the good out the window. You have been relegated, again, to that of an ex-convict. It is humbling. It is life. It is necessary. Not everyone in these agencies are uncaring. Not all of them are caring.

The mentality has been raised, no spoonfed, via media, government, and shear stupidity. Second chances in America are only allowed for druggie celebrities and government officials. The "average" Joe should know better. The "average" Joe makes in two years what these celebrities and government officials make in 2 months or 2 weeks. The societal crux of classification has been broadening for the last 20 years. No more "average" Joes, just have and have nots. This, in my humble opinion, has been just one of many reasons for the rise in crime. I will not lie. I got caught up in the speak. Caught up in the hustle. Without "things", you are nothing in America. Especially, in today's MTV/My Space world. (Do people even watch MTV anymore?--Oh YEAH--that sweet Lelia Tequila! Now there's a role model for today's youth!)

I don't want anyone thinking because of that last statement that I am "blaming" society for my action. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I am simply stating a mitagating factor in my mentality. Yes, like everyone else-whether you admit it or not, I became a victim of societal placement. I was weak. I couldn't rise above the pigeon holing of my class. I was a "have not" acting as a "have"r. The joke was on me. No one else.

That gives an honest opinion of what I was feeling pre-prison. Always keeping up with the Jones'. Always, "everything is cool, no problem". It was all bullshit. Complete. Utter. Bullshit. I used people. I abused friendships. I thought of no one but myself. Literally, and at the time I was 7 years into a relationship. Totally corrupt. Totally self destructive.

That was then.

I have now, thanks to my incarceration and a lot of soul searching, seen the error of my ways. (Poetic, huh?) I no longer care what jeans I wear. I no longer care if I can go to places with my friends. I have been humbled in the best way. I keep it real. I keep it simple. Thus, perhaps, is the reason for my slow pace in this fast tracked life. I refuse to play the societal game even though there is no way out of it. I refuse to fall back into the life of deceit.

So..........I go panhandling. Not in the sense that I am bothering cars at intersections or unsuspecting tourists walking the sidewalks. But, legal panhandling. Any you know what? It will be fine. If not, I move onto the next hurdle.

The faith that I have in my fellow man has been restored. The thought of societal classification is so 2000. In order for me to break my own cycle, I must start the breaking from inside. I must stop all thoughts of self-destruction and remember that we, as humans, are given only what WE can handle. This is what sets us apart from plant life, correct?

THE BEGINNING OF THE BEGINNING

I decided to start this blog as an effort to vent without scaring people away. There are so many avenues I have to travel that it is hard to find a specific spot to start. Many of the avenues started in different places but led to the same destination........................SELF.

Life is coming at me slowly. Life is coming at intervals of seconds that feel like hours. Complete, frozen, immobile, unmoving. Fast, incomplete, fluid, the speed of light. Traveling these avenues has been a ride of surprise and wonder. Not for the faint or the weak. In the course of this blog I hope to inspire, frighten, give hope, and some understanding. The workings of my mind , with the crashing of reality, should make an interesting read.

I am an average man. I am looking for the same thing that everyone in the world wants. Respect. Love. Courage. Conviction.

I am estranged from my life prior to prison. I have been away from my life for 1 year. People have changed. Life is different. Wounds are deeper, some that can never be healed.

I have been out of prison for exactly 33 days now. In these 33 days I have learned more than I could ever have imagined. There are parts of my life that have never changed, and will never change, over the course of this discovery.

The reality of my life is finding my place in life . The reality of trying to hold my head as high as I possibly can. Trying to face my own self respect. Trying to promote that self respect. Trying to just survive the day without the horror of the memories of prison. Awaking each morning to tell myself, "it will be okay today."

My life has become an open book for the entire world to read. The problem with this theory and reality is that everyone is reading from an old version of what I used to be. The friends and acquaintances that I had are either dealing or their not. It is mostly the latter. I have gotten extremely close to three people, and I refuse to open my life anymore at this point. It is hard enough to be by myself, let alone subject my "friends" to my drama.

What no one understands about this "book" that they are reading is the character has shifted and realized his full potential. This "character" has evaluated everything he has, which is not much, and is very thankful. This "character" has become a survivor. I have had no other choice.

Over the course of this blog I hope to discover what makes me tick. What truly pisses me off. Why American penal systems are a joke. Why every criminal, whether a check kiter or mass murderer are treated exactly the same. I will never make excuses for my crime. I will never try to justify my crime. I will say I have did my time, am still property of the state, and will not be ashamed of who I have become!

I hope to enlighten my life with the hope and prosperity of everyone around me.

The Beginning of the Beginning. Shall we go for it?