time...

In the course of the last two months my life has been completely upheaved.

No endless work to fill the day.

No endless chatter to mark the passing of time.

In essence, NOTHING.

In my mind, idle hands are a curse.

Idle minds are even worse.

My mind is reverting back to the way it was years ago.

Cynical.

Paranoid.

Non-trusting.

Closing out those closest to me.

Looking for problems that aren't there.

Not believing in myself.

If my worth is to be measured by my impact on the world. I am screwed.

This is not a pity party.

Nor a cry for help.

It just had to be put in words for me to deal with it.

Impressions.

It amazes me in this day and age the amount of self infliction that is put into every statement, movement, or act that happens.

The simple act of stating something obvious and truthful to someone is a door wide open. No matter how much it bothers the person making the statement OR how much courage it takes to admit ones faults/fears. It seems it is for naught because a shoulder is not what is found BUT their opinion on how it can be solved. There is not a split second anymore when anyone listens and tries to understand the statement or situation BUT instructs one on how to make it better or why it shouldn't be that way.

What happened to compassion?

What happened to understanding?

What happened to core values?

What happened to respect?

What happened to the trust that we had for one another?

I am very lucky to be surrounded by a select few who listen without judging. They still judge, BUT have the manners to let me spit it out and KNOW when I am asking for solutions or opinions OR if I am just looking for ears for my words to fall on.

I am not guilt free when it comes to this but it has reached epidemic proportions. No longer can I state certain opinions, facts, or concerns without CERTAIN people/friends/family inserting and imparting their great wisdom upon me.

Trust me:

If I need wisdom, I know who to go to.

If I need blown off and made fun of, I know who to go to.

If I need my feelings hurt, I know who to go to.

If I need to be made to feel inferior, I know who to go.

If I need a laugh, I know who to go to.

If I need to express my concerns and feelings, I am not quite sure where I am to go.

It is extremely heart wrenching when you share something with someone and you are made to feel as if it is an inconvenience for even speaking.

It is extremely heart wrenching to know that you have fallen a couple of notches in someones heart because of your "words".......and these "words" don't even directly effect anyone.

It is extremely rude to stomp on someones feelings because they are not as "together" as one would think they should be.

Granted.

I know this is a dog eat dog world.

This is the fast times of the rest of our lives.

That is how the cookie crumbles.

BULLSHIT..........

Grow some balls and stand up for what you believe.

When someone you love is going through something very painful.

You DON'T give opinions.

You DON'T ask about jobs.

You DON'T solve the problem for them in 5 seconds.

You DON'T allow the facts of their life and troubles to become a hindrance in your tiny world.

You DON'T say words...and then say..."that was a little bitchy"....

You......

listen, love, think, and then respond appropriately.

I know that myself and this other person are "too tragic" for real life.

I know that each day it is re-enforced a little more from the people that "love" me.

I know that each of my shortcomings is a little boost for your ego.

I know that my failures make you feel like a bigger man.

I know that my success frightens people AND when it is gone IT makes tons of people ecstatic.

For every ounce of success I have ever had, it has cost me two ounces of my life. When does it balance out? When does success equal happiness which in turn equals equality?

I have never been short on self worth.

I have never been short on striving.

I have never been short on working hard.

I am, however, growing extremely short on small mindedness, short visions, and little snipes.

Perhaps, one day-sooner than later-, I will become the success that evidently I never was.

I have not succumbed to tears in a very long time.

I have not felt this bad about myself in a very long time.

I have not felt as useless in a long time.

I have not felt as ugly - as I do right now - in a long time.

The reaction to all of this is so surprising. Maybe it is transference from everything around me. The loss of friendships.

The loss of family.

The loss of respect from people.

The loss of respect I had for myself.

The loss of familiarity.

The loss of self.........

Funny isn't it?..........The reaction from a few "thought" out words.

In the middle.....

2011.....2:10 am............

scary? yes.......

Mind racing..........Yes.

In the past 24 hours I have witnessed many a miracle. Tornadoes. Husbands. Brothers. Friends. ......and myself.

The latter of the list above is what frightens me.

In the course of the last 8 hours I have went from Rod to Rod. No change. Nothing special. Just different surroundings.........yet each experience has been different.

First off. Let me start by saying I am not a big New Year's Eve fan. Parties. Friends. Food. Liquor. Smiles. Regrets.

I went out to dinner with friends. Nice. Expensive. Boring. Not the company, but the effort it took to seem interested to sit and wait for a friend to serve us "ordinary" food. I have never been a fan of dining out but this year....I did it for Joe. Company was superb. My two favorite men--Joe and Edward. The marine and the army. Hot dog in a bun and her date. A prison warden. (ironic?--you think?) And a restaurant full of wanna-Be's. Talk was usual. Dinner was ordinary. My feelings were off the chart. It is hard for me to contain my disdain for the ordinary. It is even harder for me to be quiet. The hardest was to pretend that I had a good time. I love my Joe and my friends..........but dinners out bore me. Seriously?........I can eat at home for free and not worry about small talk. It sounds petty...but.....food is a privilege and it is not one I look for when I leave my home. Dinner finished. Off to the next function.

Bling party. Yeah. Shock to the system. Young, old, fake, pretentious, real, ordinary, and show. Seven words wrap up the first party. It was quite interesting to watch the interactions between the people involved. Great house, great host......weird mix. Joe and I put our most fabulous bling on for the party. We looked great. We were a hit. We were bored 10 minutes in. It is amazing to watch the people in St. Louis and in our life pat themselves on the back for nothing. I often go to bed wondering if the same people who I mingle with, think of themselves in the first person when they brush their teeth.

"Exavier, don't forget to floss",

as they spit in the sink and gaze into the mirror and say to themselves,

"yes, they are very lucky you were there"........

It is all quite ludicrous when one places these statements onto paper.

Yet--very EMPOWERING for those to know that they are being talked about.

Off to the next party......................................

Another house party.

Homos.

Underwear.

Booze.

Nuff said....

Except this. When do people/friends become to old to act like they are freshmen in college?

I love my friends.

I love my life.

I love being silly.

When does one reach an age when it is not acceptable for themselves?

I am sounding pious.

I am sounding grandeur.

I am sounding like the true BITCH I am.

So...........let me wrangle this in.......

I am very fortunate to have:

every one.

every thing.

every opportunity.

every breath.

every circle.

every laugh.

every tear...........

Yet, to shallow to appreciate it all.

BUT--strong enough to what a great thing I have.

I have, at the moment, four wonderful souls waiting for me in bed.

Each are mine.

Each are breathing.

Each take my breath away.

Each hold my heart.

Maxx, Bay-Lee, Dexter, and Joe..........

Any 4 sweeter names you know?????

Me either.

Good night friends.

Good night enemies.

Good riddance 2010..........

You were real.

You were fun.

BUT....you weren't real fun.....