I succombed to the feelings in my heart. This is not a usual happening for me. The gates broke, the tears flooded my face.
It seems like just yesterday I was with my family. Last night Mom came to me in my dreams. We were all together again. Simpler times. Easy times. Long ago times.
A good friend pointed out today that I need to take some time for myself. I tend to agree and disagree.
Most people see me as narcassistic, catty, self absorbed and stingy. I can see how they would picture me this way. It is quite the opposite.
The course of the last three years of my life has changed me internally to become more guarded. More introverted to the "real" me. Gone are the days of Rodney being the emotional puddle and mess. Gone are the days of "genuinely" feeling sad. These emotions have been hidden behind the "coldness" in my heart. I miss those feelings.
On days, like today, when these feelings get released I realize all I have lost. I realize all I have gained. This is when the guilt sets in. It is a never ending circle in my heart that cannot be broken. I have yet to give myself penance for the things I have done. I have yet to let my heart tell my head "I forgive" myself. I don't know if that will ever happen. Perhaps, as humans, we are not "allowed" to let ourselves forgive and forget.......
I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful man in my life. I am extremely fortunate to have an abundance of friends. This is my family. The family I have. The family that loves me........
BUT........
I miss my "real" family.
I miss my sister leaning on me, going to dinner with her, laughing with her.
I miss my brother needing me.
I miss my Mother so much it hurts to think about it.
Memories of growing up are painful for everyone.
Loss is great for everyone.
I know I am not an exception to the rule.
I just feel so sad.
So lonely for the love of my Mother.
So lonely for the feeling of complete, unfettered, unjudgemental love. A love based on nothing but the bond a Mother and a son share.
A love, a feeling that was ripped from my life.
No memories can replace it.
People can't replace it.
The man in my life can't replace it.
My friends can't replace it.
My siblings can't replace it.
This is the emotion I am feeling right now.
It is extremely hard to be around anything, anyone, any situation that stirs the loss that I feel. The holidays magnify this feeling to a point where I sometimes think I cannot breathe. My heart breaks amongst the laughter. It shatters when I see the people I love enjoying their family.
But, I must smile and act as if nothing is wrong. I must go on with "Rodney".
I must plan parties, go to work, be happy for everyone, smile and nod.
It just gets harder and harder every year.......
