UNFETTERED ANALYSIS......

In my hope to regain some sort of equilibrium over the past three days, I must look at the irony of this life.

I sit here a free man. Both literally and figuratively. No ties to anything. No bounds of commitment. No needs of someone else for me to worry about.

It is everything I've always wanted.

So, why does it feel kind of wrong? Selfish? Greedy? Tacky? Narcissistic? Defeatful?

Who cares! As Miss Celie said,

"I'z Free"........

(I love that quote!).

Yesterday was another embarrassment of riches. Let me set the stage. I went to friends birthday party. He is conveniently moving from Soulard, so everyone left with great parting gifts. It was like the old Wheel of Fortune. Remember? That damn ceramic dalmatian in every show! You won the cash but had to spend it in the Wheel of Fortune store. Personally, I liked it much better than the one that is airing now. That was just one highlight of the day. I scored some tables, looking glasses-mirrors for you unread people, a rocking chair, a bike, and a lamp. I am in much need of items for my patio/deck and this will go lovely!

That was just one of many highlights of the party. Pretty boys, good friends, catty remarks, and the stages of death all in one!

I'll start with the party boys. I met four of them yesterday. All cute, one very HOT-green shirt boy with the soft lips ala Dave Grohl, Foo Fighters-he makes my engine REV baby!--funny, irrescapable, and charming. One of them was my long lost Thelma to my Louise. Southern, witty and catty! We were quite the match. We connected, the four of us, and I hope to see them again soon. It amazes me the amount of people I am allowing into my life. It is quite refreshing to have the security of all the "old" friends in my circle while I am introducing new ones to us all...........MAINLY ME! Lots of fun.

Good friends. My ex and his new boy were there. Cracked my shit up. The matching shirts, the same laugh, the closeness they share. I saw a side of them yesterday that made me both cringe and get depressed. They have crossed over into the dreaded "coupledom" of gay males. Same thoughts, same likes, same dislikes........sickening.......LOL........It reminded me of my past relationships........NEVER AGAIN FOR ME!! My ex's new boy got a good dig on him and made everyone laugh. It almost seemed as if the new one had always been in our lives. PS--Loved the half-shirts that were supposed to be whole shirts!!

My trusty "boss" was to my left. My most recent ex to my right. It was, how do I put it, awkward? familiar? weird? comfortable? A combination of it all. My dear friend was on his perch on the corner of the couch, taking everything in, not missing a beat, and our host was standing in our mix. Great man, funny, funny, funny!

Now, I have to set the scene prior to the party. My most recent ex stopped by my house to "talk" before the party. He pointed out my anger issues, and his unbelief at how I ended it with him. Again, I am not trying to air dirty laundry, so I will not go into specifics. I just had to make it known that I am a changed man and deception is deception. Whether it be big or small. I don't have the time for gay drama or uncertainties on his part. We finished our "talk" and he left. Boss and I arrived at the party about 30 minutes after he left our house.

Okay, back to the action at the party.

This party had a "lay" theme. The birthday boy is what some might say a "ho". I find him liberating and hysterical. He makes no qualms about what he wants, and baby, he always gets what he wants. Therefore, the "lay" theme. Tacky Hawaiian leis, bad potato chips, and lots of alcohol and stories. He was a trooper, and truly, was looking for some stray in the middle of his party! Cracked my shit up.

The entire time remember, Boss is to my left, and the most recent ex is to the right. We were all indulging in party drinks and food, when I realized the error of my ways.

"Was it safe to be so familiar with him again?

Does this give him hope about us?

Do I want to get back together?

Could he look any cuter in that yellow shirt?.........."

"DAMN.........green shirt is a HOT MOFO!!..........

What did Boss say?..........yes, get me another drink.........

no, its your turn to go.........

god, the drinks are about 6 feet away...........

I truly am a whiner...........LOL.........."

"YES, most current ex--WE can talk later,

when we go to the next BBQ......and so on."

That was the turning point in my day. It both polarized and invigorated my cute self! I was going to talk to hot boy in green shirt! I got up, went outside to smoke, and the break in the rain brought everyone to the front sidewalk. It was fabulous. The sun was out. I was tan. Friends were everywhere I turnt. Well, almost everywhere. LOL.

You know when you get that suspicious feeling that someone is staring at you? Well guess who, and at whom. Correct. I overlooked it and carried on.

Hot boy in green shirt and I connected finally. He was interesting. We each stole a kiss. And I completely refused to go any further. Remorse? Definitely. Make me an adult? Most definitely. Would I refuse again? HELL NO!! The boy was HOT, HOT, HOT!

Everyone dispersed for "sunday school" at the gay Cheers. I hung back with a few people for some quiet, actually intellectual conversation. It was very refreshing to click with new people and share bizarre concepts and ideas. It always fascinates me the stands people will take for some of the most unbelievable things! Such is life! And for the record men....I believe Kelly Clarkson has more talent than Carrie Underwood but Carrie is a demographic dream! Equals cash cow!!! I digress once again.

So, me and the remaining boys finally go to Clem's after my fourth phone call in 10 minutes asking where am I at? Jeez, can't they be by themselves for 15 minutes? LOL.

It turns out a good friend drove in from Columbia for another friends upcoming birthday, so, yet another surprise visit! This friend assumed things would be tense between us due to an uncomfortable circumstance that "kinda" involved him. Bygones. He is a great man, and I hold no grudges! Love that man!

Clems was packed. More freaks than usual because of the holiday today. Many of us didn't have to work today. SO....everyone comes out to get lucky. HA.....unlucky for a few of us!

I made my usual rounds saying hello, played some pool, and ran into someone I hadn't seen in about 2 months. Another hot man, very interesting, and he was asking to take me out. We will see if this goes anywhere. I'll keep everyone posted! I was enjoying the mindlessness banter and feeling the day was headed in...........

BUT..............you know something always has to happen!

There he was. The current ex. "Are you going to the BBQ with me? If so, we need to go now".

I had made a commitment to go with him, and I always honor those commitments that I make. BIG MISTAKE....

I should have seen it coming. I should have known better. I should have NOT gotten in the car. But, alas, it was too late. I live, literally, 5 blocks from where we were. The ride to my house ended up taking 30 plus minutes due to the barrage of feelings and emotions coming from my current ex. I felt bad. I felt trapped. I felt like an idiot. I finally had had enough and just got out of the car and went inside. I could take no more.

I came inside, ate some ramen noodles with James Bond. And was fast asleep in my bed by 9pm.

As of this time this morning, I sit here wondering if this situation will ever work itself out OR if we have 4 more stages of death to deal with? We will find out today.

Happy Memorial Day everyone. Here's to my getting in some fun today before work tomorrow.

peace and love,

xoxo

PARTY GIRL...........

Sunday morning here. Last night was an experience. Hum drum. Some fun. Mostly chatter.

In the time honored tradition of breakups there are two choices the night after. One is to go out and be "free". The other is to completely isolate yourself on the couch to replay the relationship ad nauseum. I, being the party girl I am, opted for the going out.

I spent yesterday catching up on the little things I had neglected. Shoring up, yet again, my feelings of need and desire for my family. Much laughter. Much love. Much peace. Breakfast with familiar faces. Stories of nothing and everything........nice.

Later in the day I mowed grass. There is nothing better than the smell of fresh cut grass. The feeling of the stray blades blowing up against your bare leg. An earthy smell. A "glad I am alive" smell.

Finished the lawns. Took my nap.

Upon rising from the nap, I laid in my bed revisiting the past 24 hours. The ending of the relationship. The bitter irony of coming to my senses about myself. The self-defeating attitude that always accompanies the latter. Forget that.

I jumped out of bed, bugged my roomies for a bit, and we decided to go and play in the pool tournament.

Party Girl's are on the loose. Some "loose" we were.

Why is it the minute a gay man is free of a relationship all he does is compare everyone he meets to the guy he just ended it with? I am sure one doesn't want to fall into someone's arms that is just like the one he was with. Although the sense of "security" is there, the deception is great. Deception on the part of ones self, and the liability of the guy you fall into!

I began the exhausting detail of picking apart guys I was remotely interested. I began to actually "see" people I know in a different light. It is never easy to soul search, and it should not be done at a pool tournament, especially if you are competing!

It was an enjoyable evening spent catching up with an old friend who I completely have grown to adore. He is like a new person every time I am around him. (NOT LUSTING HERE) He is someone I was extremely intimidated of at first. Now I have the reasons to be intimidated and I can't fathom the thought of it. He makes me want to be a better man. He makes me want to succeed. No pressure. Just the unspoken support in his eyes, his occasional emails, and his genuine smile. Thanks!





So..........the party continues today. A birthday party, Sunday School, and an evening BBQ. Who knows how long my pantyhose will stay in check. One good thing though, I can officially wear white, open toed sandals and my pearls! Perhaps I shall give someone a pearl necklace!

peace, love, and bacon grease!
xoxo

Underwear....?????................

As I sit here on this beautiful Saturday morning.

All would appear fine and happy in "Rodney-land".

"RODNEY LAND"is much like the game Candyland sprinkled with the effects of the haunted forest from the Wizard of Oz! watch this cool video set to the funky land of OZ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-UkqvBPofM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le6ihPCSZCM&feature=related )

I digress. Back to the subject at hand. Yesterday and this morning brought an end to a relationship I was in. It was a lovely relationship. We complimented each other's lives nicely. Or, so I thought. The problem was my lack of a life.

Where do I start? The advice I received from friends? My own heart? My own infallible way of latching on to someone?

My dear friends always want the best for me. They are never short on opinions. Never short on actions. Never slow to voice their concerns. Always aware of what they think is going on. (The good ones are usually right on target!) Several of my friends voiced their concern over my rushing into a relationship so quick after getting out of prison. I bucked their concerns and jumped right in. TOO QUICK.

My heart has a way of latching on to people, for all the right and wrong reasons, only to have the right reasons kick me in the ass. The wrong reasons are a challenge. The right reasons are the ones that kill.

This special someone needed me. I needed him. In the process we lost each other. I got so wrapped up in becoming part of a couple, that I forgot to cement myself in the process. TOO QUICK.

I finally realized, after a major no-no, what the problem actually involved.

ME.

In this infernal quest for me to be accepted back into society. I chose the easy route. I became involved in his life. I leeched off him. I sucked his life force for my own. This sounds harsh. In actuality, it is a broad statement but to the point. I used him, he used me.

It is funny how quickly one's life can change. I look back on my relationship with him and begin to realize different things about myself.

I do want someone. I do want the security of a loving home and someone there to share my life with me. I do want the monotony of "coupledom". I do want private jokes. I do want joint accounts. I want someone to share my life.

The problem, in essence, is my lack of a fruitful and successful life of my own. I am working very hard towards the goal. I feel good about myself and YES, I do want someone.

The timing is just off. I finally realize, after all the bullshit and drama, that I am not ready for the "coupledom". I have to conquer the "singledom" first and foremost. Some would argue I am copping out of the chance for something wonderful with this man. Others would say "get your head and house in order" before I can even think of a relationship. Either way, someone gets hurt. Although, without pain there is no gain. Correct?

Anywho. Back to the underwear.

Is it an unwritten rule that when gay men end a relationship the biggest concern is the clothes? I am totally serious. In my life, I have had three exclusive relationships. (I am not a young man here--and not a HO either!) In each of these relationships, when they have ended, the biggest bitch and hardest part of the ending was the "who gets what"! Arguments over jeans. Socks. Shirts. Belts. And, of course, underwear.

Gay men are like women when it comes to the undies. Every man has his own taste. Every man knows what makes his "boys" feel safe and comfortable. Every man is POSSESSIVE of what is basic right! His choice and selection of undies. Crazy? Yes. True? Yes. Insane. No.

In the process of gathering my odd assortment of things from his house this morning. I stopped for a second and all I was thinking about was "where are my white, thigh high cut spandex/cotton blend undies"? Perhaps it was my way of dealing with him sitting on his step stool watching me pack up my things. An act of remorse? Hell no. An act of pride. An act of "thoze iz my clothz bitch.....don't even thinkz of taking that shirt"! (Sorry the black woman in me is coming out!) I assured him that I wasn't taking anything of his, but gay men are predatory when it comes to the wardrobe.

I sit here and smile now thinking of this moment with him.
The lost look in both of our eyes.
The knowing look that this was going to happen.
The abruptness of the ending.
The reasoning of the ending.
The ending.

In everyone life. Endings, like beginnings are a constant. Each ending bringing you a little closer to what you are supposed to be in this life.

Thank you, peanut, for giving me the strength and power to stand.

Here's to the next chapter.......OH......and I got the undies!

FUCK IT ALL.............

FUCK IT.

STICK IT.

DROP DEAD.

Why am I not allowed to feel anything I wish?

Why do I have to consider the feelings of everyone in my life?

Does anyone ask me if they can be in a bad mood?

Does anyone ask if they can hurt my feelings before they do it?

Does anyone think twice before giving me the "I know what you are" glance?

I've finally figured it out. After almost 4 months of doing this.

I've written it.
I mean it.
If you don't like it, don't FUCKING read it!

This might not be the most "mature" posting. But, after the responses I have received today...........

Those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

peace

A new start.........once again.

Here I go again.

Starting over.

The place that never seems to go away.

Such is life. Such is momentum. Such is bullshit.

In the karmic ways of life. It is ever changing. Never forgiving. And, most of all, never forgetful.

This for that.

One deed for another.

One fortune to make up another misfortune.

In the past week, I have endured ups, downs, forwards, backwards, and sedentary movements. Each of the crucial to my life. Each of them painful. Each of them self inflicted.

My life has become one of trying, passing, failing, and re-trying. The horrible thing is having to do this for everyone who has become important in my life. Or better yet, are they important. When does the testing and proving myself end? When does my life become "ok" for everyone, not just me? Why do I have to continuously think that people are going to understand? Hell, I don't understand half the time and I live it every day.

I have a favorite 90's group in my head. "Roxette". (Don't laugh--i love em!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sJPUTTfNbg (CLICK HERE! NOW YOU REMEMBER!)
They were never a strong group. Lots of synthesizers and pop words, but her Swedish voice always got me. (You are probably wondering where this is going, but ride it out!) She sang and did her thing every day. She had success, and then got diagnosed with a brain tumor, survived and has lived her life to the fullest. They are still widely successful in Europe and abroad. BUT--America wrote them off after her tradegy. It is not an uncommon story in life, but it was one that affected me 10 plus years ago.


I always reflect back to such a trivial pop moment and compare it to my life.

How will America and society and family and friends give anyone a chance, especially a convict, when we turn our back on actual tradegies! (i.e.--Hurricane Katrina, homelessness, lack of employment, starvation-on our own homeland!)

I am going to close with the lyrics to my favorite Roxette song. No wonder she survived!

Watercolours In The Rain

Going through the motions

ending up nowhere at all

can't see the sun on my wall

going through emotions

ending up on a frozen morning

with a heart not even broken

Seems I've been running all my life all my life

seems I've been running all my life all my life

like watercolours in the rain

Find a place to settle down

get a job in a city nearby and watch the trains roll on by

I'll find the falling star

I'll fall in love with the eyes of a dreamer

and a dream worth believing

Seems I've been running all my life all my life

seems I've been running all my life all my life

like watercolours in the rain

It is a never ending struggle for life.

Why do the people who say they understand become the harshest and most critical judges?





PEACE!

Prisoner to self.................

Another flash in the pan weekend. Nothing new, nothing changed.

Same old, same old.

I've got to change the big picture.

This weekends activities albeit fun were typical.

Same buildings.
Same friends.
Same routines.

I have no one to blame but "self". I'm falling back into the trap of the "old" me. The "old" settling for the ordinary. The "comfortable" life of mine.

I will change. Yet, again, for self.

It amazes me through the blurry eyes of happy hours and bullshit the reality of everything in front of me.

Leers. Jealously. Disdain. Hatred. Love. All interchangeable. All thriving in the same environment with each other.

I am not a proud man.
I am not a shy man.
I am NOT a stupid man.

I know the attitudes and looks from others are just that. Their feelings. Their thoughts. Their inadequacies. Their projection of their own "inability" to put themselves out there for life to happen. Barnacles on the ship of life. Never contributing, just leeching and sucking the life out of the most convenient source. The obvious way of being friendly, only to sneer and laugh at the situation.

Who are these people? How do they sleep at night? Is the feeling of superiority so intense that it outweighs simple courtesy?

The answer to this question will never be answered. It will never be addressed face to face. The answers would be too INTENSE, the situation would be too VOLATILE, the results would be too REAL........

I accept these people for who they are in this world.

I just want these PEOPLE to be on NOTICE.
I am not blind.
I am never that "messed up".
I am never not "aware" of your looks and attitudes.

I am CONSTANTLY aware of my surroundings and those in my immediate area. I automatically put up a defensive stance of protection, for myself and those whom I care about, in my mind. So, don't discount me or my mental acumen, I am aware.

I can forgive. I can never forget............

This comment doesn't make me bad. It makes me honest and human. As many of you can never forget I was in prison. Don't think I can forget glances, snide comments, or a simple rolling of the eyes.

Last year at this time, I was locked behind steel bars. Forced to shower, shit, and shave with 60 other men in a living situation that NO ONE should ever have to endure. I slept next to convicted murderers, arsonists, and God only knows what else.

I SURVIVED..........

I may be loud, boisterous, and obnoxious.

But, as Miss Cellie said in the "Color Purple". ----

"I'z free. God, help me, I'z free."

Been a while........counting my blessings!

Hey all! It has been a while since I posted. I want to take this morning to reflect upon the blessings of the people in my life. I have noticed in my blogs that I come across selfish, arrogant, and preachy. This morning, I preach about the virtuous beings that circle my orbit! Please know that the people mentioned today are just a few of the masses that I care about. I will not call each of them out by name, but they will know who I am speaking of!

1. Daily man. This man has entered my life with a force of nature that compares only to hurricanes and typhoons. His positive attitude, upbeat nature, and constant support and love make my life the best it has ever been! This man took the initiative on the THIRD day of my release to come forward and introduce himself. He had been introduced to my story, via my friends, about my life prior to my prison sentence and became "infatuated". We had never met, yet it seemed as if we were old friends. I must confess, I was put off at first, but saw through my own bullshit to welcome him into my life. It was the best decision I have ever made. His love and support have helped the transition from "convict" to "human" as easy as possible. He is ever loving, never flinching, and quick to check me on my follies and faults. A strong hand with a gentle touch. I look forward to building many memories and life experiences with him by my side.

2. Old man. This man has been in my orbit for the last eight and a half years. A gentle soul. A simple man, who loves too intense. The "all or nothing" attitude he exhibits is admirable, yet so old school. He refuses to see the bad in anyone. He refuses to acknowledge the sins of the past. He lives only for the future. Good for him. We went through hell together, both surviving, and now he seems truly happy. The sound of his voice is a quiet moment in the storm of my life. I know I can count on him for anything, yet I ask nothing from him except his friendship. The path of our lives are strewn with boulders, cactus, and deep waters. Thank God, our love and friendship have survived all the elements and tribulations.

3. Sister. A source of strength. A source of NOW. The unabashed force of her love propels me to move forward. It is an odd connection between us both. It is as if we were separated at birth, and finally reconnected in some odd "Oprah" moment 20 years later. Our lives parallel each other with similar past histories. Our future mirrors one another to the point of dreadful fear. It is as if we are waiting for the other to make the next move to see how it works out for the other. Each of us knowing we are on similar paths. Each of us scared to death of the results, yet we can't wait to get there. In her I have found my sense of discovery. The kind of discovery that you have when you are 12 years old and the world is brand new. The sky is the limit when I am around her. xoxo

4. New man. This man has re-entered my life with a vengeance. He is a deeply loving, caring, family man of upstanding values and morals. (He would beg to differ, but he is too close to the situation!) He is going through an extremely life changing experience. He has proven to me, yet again, only the strong survive through sacrifice and love. He has the ability to have everything in life he desires, but chooses to WAIT, because of his children. Can a man be anymore self-less? This act alone speaks volumes to me and everyone who has become a quick part of his life. I look forward to many memories with this friend and the joy of watching him become who he wants to be!

5. Old friends. The transition has not been easy for anyone. Especially my "old friends". I have written in previous posts that this road has been rocky. It has to be. In order for growth, of any kind, situations and limits had to be tested. These "tests" are becoming less severe and basic civility and order are restoring among us all.

6. New friends. The discovery of "self" has opened the floodgates to my new possibilities. Too many to count, these people have each brought something to me that, without going to prison, I would have never known. Each new friend holding a wider view for me to expunge upon. Each new friend bringing a fresh view to an old soul. They are my Yang to my old friends Ying.

7. Bonnie and Clyde. In this crazy world, everyone needs a strong root. These two have provided not only the root system for me to stay grounded, but the shade of a strong tree. Protective, loving, and just there. No questions, no judgements, just love in the form of parents. They have been through it all with me. I, literally, would not be here today without there love and support!

As you can read, I am very lucky.

For a man to have just one of the above people in his life he is blessed. For me to have all of them?........................................................................

It is an embarrassment of riches.

I love you all..........
xoxo