Here I go again.
Starting over.
The place that never seems to go away.
Such is life. Such is momentum. Such is bullshit.
In the karmic ways of life. It is ever changing. Never forgiving. And, most of all, never forgetful.
This for that.
One deed for another.
One fortune to make up another misfortune.
In the past week, I have endured ups, downs, forwards, backwards, and sedentary movements. Each of the crucial to my life. Each of them painful. Each of them self inflicted.
My life has become one of trying, passing, failing, and re-trying. The horrible thing is having to do this for everyone who has become important in my life. Or better yet, are they important. When does the testing and proving myself end? When does my life become "ok" for everyone, not just me? Why do I have to continuously think that people are going to understand? Hell, I don't understand half the time and I live it every day.
I have a favorite 90's group in my head. "Roxette". (Don't laugh--i love em!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sJPUTTfNbg (CLICK HERE! NOW YOU REMEMBER!)
They were never a strong group. Lots of synthesizers and pop words, but her Swedish voice always got me. (You are probably wondering where this is going, but ride it out!) She sang and did her thing every day. She had success, and then got diagnosed with a brain tumor, survived and has lived her life to the fullest. They are still widely successful in Europe and abroad. BUT--America wrote them off after her tradegy. It is not an uncommon story in life, but it was one that affected me 10 plus years ago.
I always reflect back to such a trivial pop moment and compare it to my life.
How will America and society and family and friends give anyone a chance, especially a convict, when we turn our back on actual tradegies! (i.e.--Hurricane Katrina, homelessness, lack of employment, starvation-on our own homeland!)
I am going to close with the lyrics to my favorite Roxette song. No wonder she survived!
Watercolours In The Rain
Going through the motions
ending up nowhere at all
can't see the sun on my wall
going through emotions
ending up on a frozen morning
with a heart not even broken
Seems I've been running all my life all my life
seems I've been running all my life all my life
like watercolours in the rain
Find a place to settle down
get a job in a city nearby and watch the trains roll on by
I'll find the falling star
I'll fall in love with the eyes of a dreamer
and a dream worth believing
Seems I've been running all my life all my life
seems I've been running all my life all my life
like watercolours in the rain
It is a never ending struggle for life.
Why do the people who say they understand become the harshest and most critical judges?
PEACE!
6 comments:
You have a great point about not sending out notices about your updated blogs. I have not sent out updates because of the fact I want people to read it and respond if they want to but at the same time, I want those people who read my blog to do so because they want to not because I am notifying them that I have posted again. I check this blog and my blog every day to see if any new comments are on there.
You have to take control of your life for you and you only. Every one has that responsibility. I find myself, trying to make everyone else happy all the time but when I am in a funk, not many people reach out to me and ask what they can do to help. Maybe they have but being the stubborn person I am, I might not of allowed them.
Things change, people change and some stay the same. I would be worried about those people that stay the same and never turn a page.
There is a past to all of us.... there are things no of us are proud of.... some of our "dirty laundry" is out for the world to see but most of it is not.
Remember that you have to live with you for the rest of your life. You have to do what is best for you and for once in your life, PLEASE PUT YOURSELF FIRST. If you learned anything from your experience in prison, I would hope it was that.
I am waiting to watch the flower within you to open up and take no prisoners.
Love you,
BOSS
I've erased my earlier comment and have decided to keep my thoughts to myself.
Brave men put their necks on the line for what they believe. Stupid men lay their heads on the chopping block and welcome the axe.
I refuse to play the latter again.
rodney
You know, this is your blog, why should you have to delete your comments? But at the same time, if you write it to be public it will be public.
I don't know what happened here but you do what is best for you.
Rodney, BOSS is right ity;s your blog don't delete your words, and on that note, i should live by the same standards adn not delete mine.
Here they are once again...
My view of prison...
prison is not a form of reasoning to be used the rest of your life for why each day has it's hard moments, or why soem days are full of failure, and some are full of hope.
Why someone may doubt you today, yet trust you tomorrow. Why toady you may be called a lie-teller, and tomorrow you become a truth-teller. Why most steps forward are easy in the sunlight, but seem to go backwards, heavy and hard in the dark.
Prison is a reminder of what you lost, what you choose to give up, but it is also a reminder of what you have gained since then.
You have gained a man that cherishes you, craves you, desires you, admires you, needs you. A man that wants to stand next to you in the line opf fire, hoping that he can protect you for just one more second.
At this moment ytou have gained a hand to hold (one that might have not taken the same path you did , but can promise has been to many dark places to know similar pain, as shoulder to cry on, A warm body to lay next to, a honest human being to converse with, a soul to merge with, simply a love-everlasting bond.
From a man who knows he is far from perfect in anyway, but dreams and believes he can offer you perfection.
Prison is now in your past, it will never be forgotten, or out of your state of mind, but ev en so you and only oyu have control of you, of your destiny -so see your present, and strive for a future you can be proud of.
Remember - Happiness is your light - run to the light Rodney...
You mivght be surprised to find someone is there waiting for you.
Pure love justr for my monkey!!
Peanut
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