time...

In the course of the last two months my life has been completely upheaved.

No endless work to fill the day.

No endless chatter to mark the passing of time.

In essence, NOTHING.

In my mind, idle hands are a curse.

Idle minds are even worse.

My mind is reverting back to the way it was years ago.

Cynical.

Paranoid.

Non-trusting.

Closing out those closest to me.

Looking for problems that aren't there.

Not believing in myself.

If my worth is to be measured by my impact on the world. I am screwed.

This is not a pity party.

Nor a cry for help.

It just had to be put in words for me to deal with it.

Impressions.

It amazes me in this day and age the amount of self infliction that is put into every statement, movement, or act that happens.

The simple act of stating something obvious and truthful to someone is a door wide open. No matter how much it bothers the person making the statement OR how much courage it takes to admit ones faults/fears. It seems it is for naught because a shoulder is not what is found BUT their opinion on how it can be solved. There is not a split second anymore when anyone listens and tries to understand the statement or situation BUT instructs one on how to make it better or why it shouldn't be that way.

What happened to compassion?

What happened to understanding?

What happened to core values?

What happened to respect?

What happened to the trust that we had for one another?

I am very lucky to be surrounded by a select few who listen without judging. They still judge, BUT have the manners to let me spit it out and KNOW when I am asking for solutions or opinions OR if I am just looking for ears for my words to fall on.

I am not guilt free when it comes to this but it has reached epidemic proportions. No longer can I state certain opinions, facts, or concerns without CERTAIN people/friends/family inserting and imparting their great wisdom upon me.

Trust me:

If I need wisdom, I know who to go to.

If I need blown off and made fun of, I know who to go to.

If I need my feelings hurt, I know who to go to.

If I need to be made to feel inferior, I know who to go.

If I need a laugh, I know who to go to.

If I need to express my concerns and feelings, I am not quite sure where I am to go.

It is extremely heart wrenching when you share something with someone and you are made to feel as if it is an inconvenience for even speaking.

It is extremely heart wrenching to know that you have fallen a couple of notches in someones heart because of your "words".......and these "words" don't even directly effect anyone.

It is extremely rude to stomp on someones feelings because they are not as "together" as one would think they should be.

Granted.

I know this is a dog eat dog world.

This is the fast times of the rest of our lives.

That is how the cookie crumbles.

BULLSHIT..........

Grow some balls and stand up for what you believe.

When someone you love is going through something very painful.

You DON'T give opinions.

You DON'T ask about jobs.

You DON'T solve the problem for them in 5 seconds.

You DON'T allow the facts of their life and troubles to become a hindrance in your tiny world.

You DON'T say words...and then say..."that was a little bitchy"....

You......

listen, love, think, and then respond appropriately.

I know that myself and this other person are "too tragic" for real life.

I know that each day it is re-enforced a little more from the people that "love" me.

I know that each of my shortcomings is a little boost for your ego.

I know that my failures make you feel like a bigger man.

I know that my success frightens people AND when it is gone IT makes tons of people ecstatic.

For every ounce of success I have ever had, it has cost me two ounces of my life. When does it balance out? When does success equal happiness which in turn equals equality?

I have never been short on self worth.

I have never been short on striving.

I have never been short on working hard.

I am, however, growing extremely short on small mindedness, short visions, and little snipes.

Perhaps, one day-sooner than later-, I will become the success that evidently I never was.

I have not succumbed to tears in a very long time.

I have not felt this bad about myself in a very long time.

I have not felt as useless in a long time.

I have not felt as ugly - as I do right now - in a long time.

The reaction to all of this is so surprising. Maybe it is transference from everything around me. The loss of friendships.

The loss of family.

The loss of respect from people.

The loss of respect I had for myself.

The loss of familiarity.

The loss of self.........

Funny isn't it?..........The reaction from a few "thought" out words.

In the middle.....

2011.....2:10 am............

scary? yes.......

Mind racing..........Yes.

In the past 24 hours I have witnessed many a miracle. Tornadoes. Husbands. Brothers. Friends. ......and myself.

The latter of the list above is what frightens me.

In the course of the last 8 hours I have went from Rod to Rod. No change. Nothing special. Just different surroundings.........yet each experience has been different.

First off. Let me start by saying I am not a big New Year's Eve fan. Parties. Friends. Food. Liquor. Smiles. Regrets.

I went out to dinner with friends. Nice. Expensive. Boring. Not the company, but the effort it took to seem interested to sit and wait for a friend to serve us "ordinary" food. I have never been a fan of dining out but this year....I did it for Joe. Company was superb. My two favorite men--Joe and Edward. The marine and the army. Hot dog in a bun and her date. A prison warden. (ironic?--you think?) And a restaurant full of wanna-Be's. Talk was usual. Dinner was ordinary. My feelings were off the chart. It is hard for me to contain my disdain for the ordinary. It is even harder for me to be quiet. The hardest was to pretend that I had a good time. I love my Joe and my friends..........but dinners out bore me. Seriously?........I can eat at home for free and not worry about small talk. It sounds petty...but.....food is a privilege and it is not one I look for when I leave my home. Dinner finished. Off to the next function.

Bling party. Yeah. Shock to the system. Young, old, fake, pretentious, real, ordinary, and show. Seven words wrap up the first party. It was quite interesting to watch the interactions between the people involved. Great house, great host......weird mix. Joe and I put our most fabulous bling on for the party. We looked great. We were a hit. We were bored 10 minutes in. It is amazing to watch the people in St. Louis and in our life pat themselves on the back for nothing. I often go to bed wondering if the same people who I mingle with, think of themselves in the first person when they brush their teeth.

"Exavier, don't forget to floss",

as they spit in the sink and gaze into the mirror and say to themselves,

"yes, they are very lucky you were there"........

It is all quite ludicrous when one places these statements onto paper.

Yet--very EMPOWERING for those to know that they are being talked about.

Off to the next party......................................

Another house party.

Homos.

Underwear.

Booze.

Nuff said....

Except this. When do people/friends become to old to act like they are freshmen in college?

I love my friends.

I love my life.

I love being silly.

When does one reach an age when it is not acceptable for themselves?

I am sounding pious.

I am sounding grandeur.

I am sounding like the true BITCH I am.

So...........let me wrangle this in.......

I am very fortunate to have:

every one.

every thing.

every opportunity.

every breath.

every circle.

every laugh.

every tear...........

Yet, to shallow to appreciate it all.

BUT--strong enough to what a great thing I have.

I have, at the moment, four wonderful souls waiting for me in bed.

Each are mine.

Each are breathing.

Each take my breath away.

Each hold my heart.

Maxx, Bay-Lee, Dexter, and Joe..........

Any 4 sweeter names you know?????

Me either.

Good night friends.

Good night enemies.

Good riddance 2010..........

You were real.

You were fun.

BUT....you weren't real fun.....

RESOLUTIONS

"The guardian angels that God sends to encourage, love and bless us are the sweet souls of family and friends....."

Two very wise Marine and Navy men gave me this sentiment for Christmas. I received it Sunday and it has taken me this long to comprehend the message.

My life has been full of:

ups,

downs,

friends,

foes,

family,

hate,

love,

blessings,

heartaches,

miracles,

and that of re-birth.

In my last posting I spoke of forgiveness, something easier to talk about than to actually do, and the impact it has had on my life.

I was wrong. I never truly forgave. I never truly let go of the hurt. I could never let go of the pain. No one can.

As a year passes, again-why do they go so fast the older we get-, everyone is forced to reflect on the past year. I stop to dwell on certain mistakes. Certain faults of my own. Certain faults of others. Certain faults of the human race.

Those of you that truly know me, know that I am a man full of life, love and compassion for everything -except birds-they scare the be-Jesus out of me- that is fortunate to be in my orbit.

I am going to try to hit on a few high/low lights for the past year. None of this is intended to hurt, slander, or persecute anyone. Again, everyone that knows me is aware of my mouth.

1. Friends. No names. No specifics. Just the wonderful feeling of love and companionship. The awful feeling of betrayal. The unspecified feeling of regret and sorrow.

I always come back to the story of the ripples in a pond from a stone. Some stones create beautiful ripples, other cause catastrophe, and some just rock with the movements. We all know what kind of ripple I am. And when two ripples of the same size are in the same pond. Well, one has to out ripple the other. Unfortunately for me, I have quite a few LARGE ripples in my pond. The plus side to this rippling effect is the shore upon which one lands. My shore is crowded with calm, crazy, loyal stones. Strong and secure. Never going anywhere. Always there to catch me and calm me down.

This past year has been like the ripples above. Many head butting's, many harsh words, many hurt feelings. I have remained constant in the feelings for all of whom I have butted. I cannot say the same thing for those who have butted against me. I pray for smooth waters with just a few ripples this year.

2. Work. What an incredible year. Post dispatch articles, new favorites on the patio, the camaraderie of a great team, the excitement of busy days. The laughter, the tears, the kids, the regulars.....

The loss of it all.

In hindsight of what happened with work is that of a child.

ME = CHILD.

It is very disheartening to watch two years of my life go down the drain. It is not the first, nor will it be the last.

It was supposed to be something special. And it turned into one of my biggest regrets and heartaches.

3. Family. In the last 4 months I have reconnected with my past. via my brother. It is unreal the pain, sorrow, tears, laughter and love this reconnection has provided. We, literally, had not spoken in over three years and now he is a part of our daily lives. It is not easy, but having family never is.

4. Joe. My rock, my life, my love. Enough said.

Along the way this year I have been fortunate enough to meet many interesting people. Experience life through other eyes. Live for something other than myself. I have been faced with overwhelming obstacles. Hurdled them with trepidation and fear. Thankfully, not many were hurt along the way.

So, remember, dear friends and foes.

I may appear to have it all together.

I may appear to have lost it all.

I may appear happy.

I may appear sad.

Only those "guardian angels" know the truth. And for those "guardian angels"......thank you.

FORGIVENESS

It has been quite a year. The time has passed so quickly. Life, ever changing, has yet to not amaze me.

As I lie in bed last night a strange thought came into my head. Forgiveness.

What a word. What a concept. We, as humans, have all but forgot this word in our vocabulary. The true meaning of this word. Every day we say "sorry" but not in the concept it was originally intended. True forgiveness means letting go and moving forward. Moving from the darkness of your own into the light that is/was always there. I am going to try to be better at it.

Uncle Edward gave me the book "The Shack" to read. It is an interesting read on the dynamics of religion and the world. Specifically set around a fictional, unfathomable incident between a daughter and her father and family. It is not a salacious book but one of thought provoking arguments in one's own head. It is an extremely simple, yet loving, look at the relationships of man, religion, and forgiveness. How in the process of evolution we have forgotten the basic ingredients that make forgiveness a thing of true beauty. I won't go into details about the book it is something that EVERYONE should read. Muslim, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist are all the same souls in the universe. Each group wanting the exact same thing. Each going about it the wrong way.

I must say that my head has been swimming since 10 pm last night. I tossed. I turned.

Could it really be that simple?

Can I simply forgive my Father for the hell he put our family through?

Can I simply forgive the teasing and taunting from others?

Can I simply forgive my family for their desertion in my darkest hour?

Can I simply forgive myself for all the pain I caused?

Can I simply forgive my Mother for passing too soon?

Can I simply forgive everything and start anew.

And the really simple answer is yes. Yes. Yes.

I awoke this morning with a few answers to my questions. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven everyone. I have forgiven, truly forgiven in the quest to see the light of my life. As odd as this sounds coming from me, I truly have been given a second chance. I have been given the option to live successfully or to be a coward living a life of nothing.

In the last few months I have taken everything for granted. I have taken my fabulous life, my fabulous home, my fabulous friends, and my fabulous self for granted. I have been looking at the things closests to me as a liability. A liability that I thought was dragging me back into a world that I did not want to be. Completely wrong. It turns out it was a wonderful liability that had granted me permission to grow and become the man I am today.

Thanks to my "quick" interpretation of my life I have grown, YET again, in this crazy little thing called life. As much as it hurts to say this--Yes, another "Oprah" moment.

Keep forgiving in the correct way. Forgive, and yes, move forward. One can never forget but it is the strength to overcome the memory that true forgiveness is granted.

Holla.

Won't stop........

gloomy.

The tears won't stop.

Loss. Pain. Extreme loss.................

I can't shake this feeling.
being ripped out.
ventricle by ventricle.......

fucking with my mind today.

birth.
mom.
grandma.
siblings.
high school.
ste. gen.
air force.
ste.gen.
prison.
re-birth.
death.

all things that have formed me.

For better or worse.

why do i still feel as if it was yesterday.
or better yet.

today..............

palms sweaty.
tears rolling.
cigarette burning.
music playing.
dogs watching this strong man being weak....................

home.
walls.
coffee...........

prison cell of memories.

life.
life.
life.
life.


refuge of my mother's arms.
refuge of my mother's love.
gone.

refuge of siblings laugh.
refuge of siblings support.
gone.

identity?
skewed.
scarred.
broken.

fresh air.
fresh attitude.

same feelings.......only masked.........hidden.

Here we go again..........

I'm back. Publishing words again. I have been writing in private for about 3 weeks now and I miss the "satisfaction" of putting it all out there. Here goes.

I am not going to whine. I am not going to bitch. I am going to state the obvious.

My star is too bright.
My life is too full.
My life is an impedement to those around me.

I have been fortunate enough to know both happiness and despair. And, trust, I don't want the despair.

If my joy of life. My "verve" proves too much for people......what does that say about those around me who criticize my every move. Word. Action. Re-action.

I am cleaning house. Gone are those who suck from my "verve" only to throw it back at me.

Gone are those who whisper behind my back.

Gone are those who, out of jealousy, try to knock me down for being me.

In essence. I am becoming the closed clam I was when I started this journey.

I have those in my life who truly care.

Gone are those who truly care to try and dismantle me.



I miss the simple life.
I miss the joys of being me.
I miss the times of when I wasn't the "thorn" in everyone's side.
I miss the relaxation of being a closed book.


I long for quiet, fun conversations with my Mother.
I long for my mind to just relax.
I long for my life to be just mine..............

Why do I get upset in just thinking of taking life one minute at a time.

Why do I still get choked up thinking about how far I have come and how far I still have to go.

When does it get any easier? Or does it ever?

I've watched people come and go in my life.
Each one taking something.
Each one giving something.

Those who really mattered are gone.
Some by their choice.
Some by mine.

Pulling the directions out........

Something strange occurred today.

I succombed to the feelings in my heart. This is not a usual happening for me. The gates broke, the tears flooded my face.

It seems like just yesterday I was with my family. Last night Mom came to me in my dreams. We were all together again. Simpler times. Easy times. Long ago times.

A good friend pointed out today that I need to take some time for myself. I tend to agree and disagree.

Most people see me as narcassistic, catty, self absorbed and stingy. I can see how they would picture me this way. It is quite the opposite.

The course of the last three years of my life has changed me internally to become more guarded. More introverted to the "real" me. Gone are the days of Rodney being the emotional puddle and mess. Gone are the days of "genuinely" feeling sad. These emotions have been hidden behind the "coldness" in my heart. I miss those feelings.

On days, like today, when these feelings get released I realize all I have lost. I realize all I have gained. This is when the guilt sets in. It is a never ending circle in my heart that cannot be broken. I have yet to give myself penance for the things I have done. I have yet to let my heart tell my head "I forgive" myself. I don't know if that will ever happen. Perhaps, as humans, we are not "allowed" to let ourselves forgive and forget.......

I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful man in my life. I am extremely fortunate to have an abundance of friends. This is my family. The family I have. The family that loves me........

BUT........

I miss my "real" family.
I miss my sister leaning on me, going to dinner with her, laughing with her.
I miss my brother needing me.
I miss my Mother so much it hurts to think about it.

Memories of growing up are painful for everyone.
Loss is great for everyone.

I know I am not an exception to the rule.
I just feel so sad.
So lonely for the love of my Mother.
So lonely for the feeling of complete, unfettered, unjudgemental love. A love based on nothing but the bond a Mother and a son share.

A love, a feeling that was ripped from my life.
No memories can replace it.
People can't replace it.
The man in my life can't replace it.
My friends can't replace it.
My siblings can't replace it.

This is the emotion I am feeling right now.

It is extremely hard to be around anything, anyone, any situation that stirs the loss that I feel. The holidays magnify this feeling to a point where I sometimes think I cannot breathe. My heart breaks amongst the laughter. It shatters when I see the people I love enjoying their family.

But, I must smile and act as if nothing is wrong. I must go on with "Rodney".

I must plan parties, go to work, be happy for everyone, smile and nod.

It just gets harder and harder every year.......

Start of Fall............

Another change in the seasons. You have got to love it! Crisp air. Cool nights. Warm friends...........

In this era of facebook, I have come to realize that the human touch is what I crave. The actual connection of two people who can look into each others eyes and respond to the non-verbal clues given out.

Don't get me wrong. I am a facebook "junkie". I love peeking into the lives of friends, old friends, and people who I have met just once. I love the quizzes designed to tell us the day we will die along with the witty daily banter of Karen Walker! Our lives have become the cyber-reality of life.

Dr. Small and I have many discussions regarding this exact thing. Dr. Small has the "fortunate" job of teaching in the public school system. And, to make it even better, it is English. Society has changed. It always evolves. But, I don't know if our "next" generation is going to be up to the challenge. Communication is now a series of three letter words, sent via text, without any real feeling or sentiment. I have heard first hand how difficult it is for todays youth to actually compose a sentence, complete a thought, or better yet--spell a word! Huge changes are going to have to be made!

Back to my previous rant.......... Is it so hard for someone to actually carry on a conversation without starting it with: "are you on facebook", "give me your number so I can text you"........ ENOUGH.......Call me, write me or BETTER yet.......speak with me face to face!

Thank God it's Friday!.........holla at a ho!

End of summer.

Well, the passing of time has come again. Where did the summer go? In between work, play and life.......time goes WAY too fast. I have been very fortunate this summer with the addition of the new people in my life. These new people, combined with the original "family", establishes my life. I am very fortunate to have so many loving friends in my circle. In this era of facebook and texting, it is very comforting to have those in my life who actually talk. Actually share. Actually care. I am feeling a bit sappy today.



Happy, but sappy.
I am so thankful for lunches with Joe and friends.
Happy for friends returning from family functions.
Happy to have a job with such a positive "energay".
Happy that old connections are still old and loving.
Happy that facebook has re-connected me with so many friends who had fallen through the cracks of time.
Happy that I have the respect that I have worked so hard to achieve.
Happy that I have a lovely life.

Please, everyone, enjoy the life of Rodney through his pictures below. I have an amazing life, amazing friends.......and an amazing man.





















Happy that every night I put my head on the pillow I have nothing to think about except the life I have. No worries. No drama. Just love. The man I would kill for next to me. The two dogs that have become our "surrogate" children settling into their spots on the bed. Prayers are answered. No rewarded........Who would have thought I would be this blessed.