RESOLUTIONS

"The guardian angels that God sends to encourage, love and bless us are the sweet souls of family and friends....."

Two very wise Marine and Navy men gave me this sentiment for Christmas. I received it Sunday and it has taken me this long to comprehend the message.

My life has been full of:

ups,

downs,

friends,

foes,

family,

hate,

love,

blessings,

heartaches,

miracles,

and that of re-birth.

In my last posting I spoke of forgiveness, something easier to talk about than to actually do, and the impact it has had on my life.

I was wrong. I never truly forgave. I never truly let go of the hurt. I could never let go of the pain. No one can.

As a year passes, again-why do they go so fast the older we get-, everyone is forced to reflect on the past year. I stop to dwell on certain mistakes. Certain faults of my own. Certain faults of others. Certain faults of the human race.

Those of you that truly know me, know that I am a man full of life, love and compassion for everything -except birds-they scare the be-Jesus out of me- that is fortunate to be in my orbit.

I am going to try to hit on a few high/low lights for the past year. None of this is intended to hurt, slander, or persecute anyone. Again, everyone that knows me is aware of my mouth.

1. Friends. No names. No specifics. Just the wonderful feeling of love and companionship. The awful feeling of betrayal. The unspecified feeling of regret and sorrow.

I always come back to the story of the ripples in a pond from a stone. Some stones create beautiful ripples, other cause catastrophe, and some just rock with the movements. We all know what kind of ripple I am. And when two ripples of the same size are in the same pond. Well, one has to out ripple the other. Unfortunately for me, I have quite a few LARGE ripples in my pond. The plus side to this rippling effect is the shore upon which one lands. My shore is crowded with calm, crazy, loyal stones. Strong and secure. Never going anywhere. Always there to catch me and calm me down.

This past year has been like the ripples above. Many head butting's, many harsh words, many hurt feelings. I have remained constant in the feelings for all of whom I have butted. I cannot say the same thing for those who have butted against me. I pray for smooth waters with just a few ripples this year.

2. Work. What an incredible year. Post dispatch articles, new favorites on the patio, the camaraderie of a great team, the excitement of busy days. The laughter, the tears, the kids, the regulars.....

The loss of it all.

In hindsight of what happened with work is that of a child.

ME = CHILD.

It is very disheartening to watch two years of my life go down the drain. It is not the first, nor will it be the last.

It was supposed to be something special. And it turned into one of my biggest regrets and heartaches.

3. Family. In the last 4 months I have reconnected with my past. via my brother. It is unreal the pain, sorrow, tears, laughter and love this reconnection has provided. We, literally, had not spoken in over three years and now he is a part of our daily lives. It is not easy, but having family never is.

4. Joe. My rock, my life, my love. Enough said.

Along the way this year I have been fortunate enough to meet many interesting people. Experience life through other eyes. Live for something other than myself. I have been faced with overwhelming obstacles. Hurdled them with trepidation and fear. Thankfully, not many were hurt along the way.

So, remember, dear friends and foes.

I may appear to have it all together.

I may appear to have lost it all.

I may appear happy.

I may appear sad.

Only those "guardian angels" know the truth. And for those "guardian angels"......thank you.

FORGIVENESS

It has been quite a year. The time has passed so quickly. Life, ever changing, has yet to not amaze me.

As I lie in bed last night a strange thought came into my head. Forgiveness.

What a word. What a concept. We, as humans, have all but forgot this word in our vocabulary. The true meaning of this word. Every day we say "sorry" but not in the concept it was originally intended. True forgiveness means letting go and moving forward. Moving from the darkness of your own into the light that is/was always there. I am going to try to be better at it.

Uncle Edward gave me the book "The Shack" to read. It is an interesting read on the dynamics of religion and the world. Specifically set around a fictional, unfathomable incident between a daughter and her father and family. It is not a salacious book but one of thought provoking arguments in one's own head. It is an extremely simple, yet loving, look at the relationships of man, religion, and forgiveness. How in the process of evolution we have forgotten the basic ingredients that make forgiveness a thing of true beauty. I won't go into details about the book it is something that EVERYONE should read. Muslim, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist are all the same souls in the universe. Each group wanting the exact same thing. Each going about it the wrong way.

I must say that my head has been swimming since 10 pm last night. I tossed. I turned.

Could it really be that simple?

Can I simply forgive my Father for the hell he put our family through?

Can I simply forgive the teasing and taunting from others?

Can I simply forgive my family for their desertion in my darkest hour?

Can I simply forgive myself for all the pain I caused?

Can I simply forgive my Mother for passing too soon?

Can I simply forgive everything and start anew.

And the really simple answer is yes. Yes. Yes.

I awoke this morning with a few answers to my questions. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven everyone. I have forgiven, truly forgiven in the quest to see the light of my life. As odd as this sounds coming from me, I truly have been given a second chance. I have been given the option to live successfully or to be a coward living a life of nothing.

In the last few months I have taken everything for granted. I have taken my fabulous life, my fabulous home, my fabulous friends, and my fabulous self for granted. I have been looking at the things closests to me as a liability. A liability that I thought was dragging me back into a world that I did not want to be. Completely wrong. It turns out it was a wonderful liability that had granted me permission to grow and become the man I am today.

Thanks to my "quick" interpretation of my life I have grown, YET again, in this crazy little thing called life. As much as it hurts to say this--Yes, another "Oprah" moment.

Keep forgiving in the correct way. Forgive, and yes, move forward. One can never forget but it is the strength to overcome the memory that true forgiveness is granted.

Holla.

Won't stop........

gloomy.

The tears won't stop.

Loss. Pain. Extreme loss.................

I can't shake this feeling.
being ripped out.
ventricle by ventricle.......

fucking with my mind today.

birth.
mom.
grandma.
siblings.
high school.
ste. gen.
air force.
ste.gen.
prison.
re-birth.
death.

all things that have formed me.

For better or worse.

why do i still feel as if it was yesterday.
or better yet.

today..............

palms sweaty.
tears rolling.
cigarette burning.
music playing.
dogs watching this strong man being weak....................

home.
walls.
coffee...........

prison cell of memories.

life.
life.
life.
life.


refuge of my mother's arms.
refuge of my mother's love.
gone.

refuge of siblings laugh.
refuge of siblings support.
gone.

identity?
skewed.
scarred.
broken.

fresh air.
fresh attitude.

same feelings.......only masked.........hidden.

Here we go again..........

I'm back. Publishing words again. I have been writing in private for about 3 weeks now and I miss the "satisfaction" of putting it all out there. Here goes.

I am not going to whine. I am not going to bitch. I am going to state the obvious.

My star is too bright.
My life is too full.
My life is an impedement to those around me.

I have been fortunate enough to know both happiness and despair. And, trust, I don't want the despair.

If my joy of life. My "verve" proves too much for people......what does that say about those around me who criticize my every move. Word. Action. Re-action.

I am cleaning house. Gone are those who suck from my "verve" only to throw it back at me.

Gone are those who whisper behind my back.

Gone are those who, out of jealousy, try to knock me down for being me.

In essence. I am becoming the closed clam I was when I started this journey.

I have those in my life who truly care.

Gone are those who truly care to try and dismantle me.



I miss the simple life.
I miss the joys of being me.
I miss the times of when I wasn't the "thorn" in everyone's side.
I miss the relaxation of being a closed book.


I long for quiet, fun conversations with my Mother.
I long for my mind to just relax.
I long for my life to be just mine..............

Why do I get upset in just thinking of taking life one minute at a time.

Why do I still get choked up thinking about how far I have come and how far I still have to go.

When does it get any easier? Or does it ever?

I've watched people come and go in my life.
Each one taking something.
Each one giving something.

Those who really mattered are gone.
Some by their choice.
Some by mine.