LABOR DAY WEEKEND. Saturday, August 30, 2008

Tailgating. Friends. Laughter. Rivalry.

Saturday began as the usual routine. Plants, coffee, Luvy Duvy's, friends, catching up on a weeks worth of gossip. Pure homo heaven. A quick trip to Macy's for shoes. (Got none, bastards are getting rid of all their brands so the selection has went down the toilet!) Shot to Gordman's to get a Mizzou t-shirt and 5 more pair of flip-flops. (GREAT clearance sale) Then back home to finish up MIZZOU bracelets for our friends. I have become quite "crafty" in the past few months.

Off to Brian's loft for a pre-tailgate party. Fabulous time. Good food. Lots of people I have not seen since my stint in "rehab" as they called it. A general good feeling. From Brian's loft we began our treck to the Edward Jone's Dome for the Mizzou-Illini rivalry.

I had forgotten how much fun it is to tailgate. Football is like a disease. It gets in your blood. It is intensified by those that you surround yourself with and the atmosphere in which it breathes. Football takes on a life of its own. The trek from the loft to the dome was a good natured, boy watching, ribbing the ILLINI fans stroll. Met a Tom Cruise look a like. (the early years-Taps, Top Gun-before he had his teeth capped and straightened!) Ran into a few old friends. Made a few dozen more new ones!
As the picture above reflects. It was a GREAT day weather wise. Everyone in good spirits. And this was just 4:00! It was still 3.5 hours to kick-off. From this tailgate of ILLINI fans we trekked through the parking lot of a mere 2-3 thousand people tailgating! PURE HEAVEN. Passing out beads. High fiving random MIZZOU fans. Booing ILLINI fans. General Good TIME!!

Now, Joe was a virgin to the whole tailgating experience. As was Quentin. I am quite sure they were shocked at the joy of football fans coming together. It is a very "straight" experience and culture. But, boy oh boy, do the straighties love the HOMOS! Homo's have no boundaries. Homos are, usually, not embarassed or shocked with any question or situation. And Homo's have the unique ability to befriend straight men and women in our quest to conquer the world! Saturday was NO exception to the rule.

We finished our trek through tail-gate land and settled into Geri and Tom's tailgate group. This group is HARD CORE tailgater's! They do it for every Rams game. They have not missed a tailgate since the Rams have been in St. Louis. The cool thing about this tailgate was seeing all the "guys" dressed in their orange and blue and black and gold shirts! The ribbing was non-stop. We were all one community in celebration of the game of football. Ok. Maybe not football, just a good time and the experience of meeting some GREAT people! I met the cutest two sisters! (Yes, the one does look like Chelsea off Days of our Lives!) We played a very interesting trivia game. These "youngsters" were unfamiliar with Valerie Bertenilli as "Barbara" from "One day at a time" but knew her as some "old" actress that lost weight via Jenny Craig! FOUL! They did not know the three main characters on "three's company" but remembered it was that "old" show with the gay guy who played a straight dad on a show where he died from a rip in his heart! I will give them their props though. They could name all the Brady kids but were at a loss as to who "took a three hour tour" and landed on an island where they built huts and could build anything with a coconut! Cute kids! I stress the word KIDS!

As with any good party. It had to come to an end. It amazes me the trust our new friends bestowed upon us. We were left with the task of cleaning up! Gathering coolers! Securing everyones belongings! And were told to stay and eat and drink as much as we want! AS IF! Okay, we stayed and drank a little longer and took a six pack for the trek back to our car!

My age was starting to show. It was now 8:00 pm and all I longed for was the comfort of the couch! Joe and I headed home. Ordered a pizza and were in bed by 10pm. We still didn't know who won the game when our head hit the pillow! Oh! I forgot to mention that we had to SNEAK into our house! There was a house warming party going on next door and there was NO way we were going to make it to Matt and Lauren's house! So we sneaky freaked our way into our house!

This is just day one of the extended weekend. Sunday is the GAY rodeo! It should prove to be an interesting day! Goats in panties. Boys on studs. Clowns in barrells! Till then!

GO MIZZOU! WE WHOOPED THAT ILLINI ASS!!!

Then and now.

I have decided, after much trepidation, to face my past one entry at a time. I kept a journal every day I was in prison. I am going to pull out select excerpts from the writings. I will post and then reflect on my life now compared to that time frame a year ago. Here goes.


8/25/07. Day 118, Saturday, 10:30AM
Bitterness. What a word. Full of it now. Bitter at myself. My life. My family.
My GOD!
So full of anger. Rage. Incessant, futile energy burning up my soul. Tired of monotony. Tired of people here. Tired of same shit, different day. I know it is a test. A test of my strength. A test of my mental acumen. A test to see if I will absolutely reach out and scream! My head is about to explode-yet-I remain calm…..
Calm and collected. Sane and reasonable. When the only thing I wish to do is throw something. HARD! I have never been a fighter, with my fists. Perhaps I miss that chromosomal impulse that is integrated into men. Perhaps I will find it within the next three to six months. I am finding that I am more like the male species than I cared to imagine. Albeit, a man with manners in prison. A man with some dignity and grace. A man that can put together more than six words to form a sentence. I know that sounds pompous but I would really like to talk to someone with any sort of education above the ninth grade! Am I crazy? Elitist? Or just lonely?
I’m voting for the last one. I miss the phone. Ringing crazily every evening or morning. Anxious people wanting to discuss trivial matters of no concern. Some wanting to dissect conversations from the day before. And, mostly, like me, wanting to feel as if they are important enough to warrant pushing their observations and opinions down someone else’s throat. The weird thing, the loneliness in here is not that much different than on the outside. Just not as many distractions.
On the outside, the loneliness was hidden very well with a few well placed laughs, social appearances, and the illusion of happiness. I don’t think there is one person in my little “group” that doesn’t feel that way. They would never admit. ( A few would.) All everyone wants is to be loved. Needed is a better word.


Wow! Fucked up or what? That was Labor Day weekend, 2007.
I was to get a visit from someone that weekend, it didn't happen. Many factors were in play. My family had sent back every letter I had written to them. My boyfriend was beginning a relationship with his current man, and was denying the fact that it was occurring.

You must remember, everything in prison is intensified. Every emotion is hightened. I was, at this time, in Bonne Terre Correctional Center. This place is literally 25 minutes from my childhood home. 25 minutes from my family. All of which would have nothing to do with me....

In a years time, not much on my family front has changed. I have spoken with my brothers and sisters once since my release. (Unless you count my little brother calling for money.) I have given up on preconceived notions and familial obligations. I have a new family now. A family that loves me. A family that forgives me for my past indescretions and faults.

I am still bitter. Not bitter at life. Bitter at myself. Bitter at the wasted years. Bitter at the wasted money. Bitter about my "fake" emotions.

I have taken HUGE steps to overcome my past. I embrace my life. Each and every second. I love my life. It is unreal to go to bed without a major worry over my head. My biggest headache now is trying to schedule everything I wish to do in 24 hours time!

Trust me when I say this. The journal entries will be getting juicier and more intense. The excerpt above is just a few paragraphs from that Saturday. Some things are just not ready for the public eye! YET!

Peace, love and bacon grease!

America.......home of the double standards.

In the wake of the media blitzes for the presidential race, I want to share with you my complete disgust in the American political system.

I am not disgusted by the right to choose who you want. I am not disgusted with the democratic process. I am upset with the double standards in the system.

As a convicted felon, I have no voting rights. I have no say in the day to day operations of a society that I am to re-enter, support, and embrace. This society has deemed me "not worthy, or wise enough" to decide a choice in politics. Yet, I am to live under the rules that this society imparts on my life.

Fair? NO.
Deserved? Possibly.
Unconstitional? Totally.

The Supreme Court ruled that ones citizenship cannot be revoked for any reason. The state and federal governments both agree that felons have lost this right as a punishment for sins committed against society in general. From drug charges, bad checks, murder, arson, and so on......we are all the same. Second class citizens that are to remain that way through a series of governmental and societal check points that always keeps felons down.

The irony lies in the Department of Corrections in conjuction with the state and federal government to establish "re-entry" programs for ex-convicts. These "re-entry" programs are to integrate ex convicts into everday living in society. Yet, as they strive to integrate these "ex-convicts" into society, the laws of the land and state will not allow this "re-entry". I am sure that much of the American public is not aware of the obstacles, nor do many of them care, that ex-convicts face every day. Voting is, just one of many, freedoms that are taken from us....FOR LIFE. Many federal and state programs that assist poor people are not available to certain ex-convicts. Let me explain.

A welfare mother can make up to $4,000.00 a month with food stamps, HUD for housing and rent, utility assitance, Government grants for school. All this mother has to do is push out a few children at society's expense and ultimate responsibility to raise and care for these children. A majority of these "mother's" have confessed to not voting, let alone care about government interference, unless their precious, life giving "funds" are threatened.

An 18 year old white male or female, charged and convicted of marijuana possesion, HAS NOTHING AVAILABLE TO HIM OR HER. This person has a mark against their name for the rest of their life. No Pell grants, no scholarships, no food stamps, no HUD, NO NOTHING.

Is this fair? Hell no. Is the 18 year old going to do whatever he/she can do to survive? Yes. Will they more than likely head down a road to more crime? Hell yes.

I am in the small percentage of lucky ex-convicts that has found his way back to society. I have a full time job. I have a roof over my head. I have the love and support of many people.

My question is this?
What about the people in America who don't have this?
How does it end?
When does it reach a point of no going back?

I, along with most ex-convicts, agree. Some of our rights should be suspended. Some should be taken away for a while. Isn't this what prison is? But for the rest of our lives?

Like it or not. Society will never allow the "re-entry" of ex-convicts. Not in the full aspect of the American dream.

An ex-convicts life is and will always be "marked" for failure in American society.

Flashbacks of times past......

It has happened. The dreaded flashback to times past. Those awful memories of deception, anger, and frustration.

I was approached and confronted Tuesday night about how "great" my life has become since my release.

How is it that I have everything I do?
How is it that I have a partner, a dog, a great life, and a smile on my face?
Why do I deserve it?

The question is this. Why not?

I am not preaching. I am not grandstanding. I am FINALLY living my life the way it was meant to be lived! I care more for other people. I work my ass to the bone. And I refuse to give up or get down at what life throws me.

I have never been a "spiritual" person, but the reality of my past has turned me that way. It may come as a shock to everyone that I do pray. I do wish the best for everyone in and out of my life. And I will not allow myself to fall into the "pity" trap.

I am a big believer in karma. I am a HUGE believer in everything you do in YOUR universe effects the entire universe around your center.

I am living my life as I see fit for the purpose of all. For the first time in my life, it is not about me, and the universe is responding accordingly.

None of us "deserve" what life throws at us. Our mission is simple.
We must overcome even the smallest trials.
We must work through our "tribulations".
We must respect the glory of each others lives.
You must love yourself and not rely on others to bring this feeling to your soul.

Simple? Hell no.
Worth it? Hell yes.

Another pool party.....WOW!!

Picture it.

Saturday, August 17, 2008.

9AM.

Joe, Lori, and myself sitting at the lower patio table discussing the night before. (Lot's of Karaoke fun and Courtesy Diner the evening prior!)

Beautiful morning. Maybe 3 clouds in the sky. There was no fighting it.

The phone has already started ringing.

POOL PARTY!!!

Could we do it? Pull off a wing-ding of a good time with only 2 hours to prepare? You betcha! What was supposed to be an intimate pool party for about 10 people turned into 20 plus! One friend told another friend, who told another friend, combined with random people calling to see what was going on, turned the day into a positively fun-filled day.

The mixture and variety of people at these "gatherings" continue to amaze me. Every Saturday our little circle grows with two or four new people arriving. The open arms of my partner and friends continue to envelope the possibilities of my mind.

One of the highlights was the arrival of our gym instructor. I couldn't believe it. Not that she showed up, but that Joe would invite a PERSONAL TRAINER to see our fat asses in our most vunerable setting. Wet, droopy, and scantilly clad!! It could have been tragic. She was great. (Only minimal speak of why we have not been to class! We will get there! I SWEAR!!) Oh, and it was decided that I want her body with my head on it, although I will have to go down from a C cup to her perky A cups! (Damn Bud and Miller Lite!)

It is so refreshing to see people, who would NEVER speak to one another in a different setting, completely let their guard down and just have fun.

Even Maxx has grown to wonder when the fun will start!

Call it the "POOL + SUN + LAUGHTER + COCKTAILS + SINCERE FRIENDLINESS combo platter"......

I hope everyone at these gatherings realize the beauty of it. The pure simplicity of togetherness combined with warmth.

It may seem sappy.

It may sound simple.

Give me these days any day!

Been a while.....Have to stop and write.

In the past two weeks my life has went from sublime to supreme. Numerous incidents to further my life have occurred. Nothing dramatic. Just a sense of stability......it is a wonderful feeling.....one I have not had for quite some time.

I've enrolled in school. It was a feeling of freedom and oppression being with all the students to register, talk with advisors, and deal with financial aid. I, literally, could have been the father to over 3/4 of the people I encountered on Wednesday. The feeling of "starting" over again crept into my mind for about half the day. I felt defeated, ashamed, useless and distraught over the wasted years of my life.........

I GOT OVER IT!!!


I don't want to sound pompous. I don't want to sound spoiled. ( In essence, I guess I am both of those adjectives.) I have finally realized that my life is what I make it to be.

Better late than never. Go big or GO home.


As I sat there in the line with these fresh faced students, all wide eyed and full of hope, a feeling of FINALLY came over me. I finally have taken control of my life. I finally have a clean slate. I finally have the strength and courage to move ahead in a positive manner. I know this time it will work for the simple fact of my inner and outer strength.........

I told Joe and my dear friend John, I have never wanted anything so bad as my college degree. When I think about it, I compare it to my release from prison. I want it that bad. I NEED it that bad.


In the past couple of weeks I have come to love Joe and my friends even more than I thought possible. Uncle Edward told me, no both Joe and I, everything happens for reasons out of our control. My pairing with Joe, my split from John, my prison experience, the growth of myself as a productive human have all occurred because of a great karmic kickback. That is the true meaning of life.


The duality of good and bad.

The outweighing of "why me" and turning it into "why not me"?


My life has been a huge lesson, and it continues to teach me every day.


One day at a time.
One hour a day.
One minute an hour.



I can finally smile for all the right reasons.


I can smile for life.


I can smile for a future.






I can smile for Maxx's never ending love.




I can smile because of NOTHING.......


Thank you Joe.............
Thank you friends.........
Thank you Karma.........

TYPICAL MO'S................

I am writing in regards to this photo. It was printed in the August edition of the Clementines newsletter.
What is the "purpose" of photoshopping this onto the picture?
Was someone slighted and this is the high school attempt at getting "even"?

I'll admit.

It is a good "dig". It is a great way to get "even", for what?

I wish I knew.

I just know that after the 10th person commented on it to me on Sunday, August 3...it wore thin. I wish I had the vindictive side to me to print, for the public to see, my opinions regarding "select" people.......but I choose the higher road. I understand a good joke.

I love a good joke.....but to "intentionally" do this and not admit to it?

Or, better yet, hide behind a bar newsletter? Typical.

CONGRATULATIONS on a job well done! Kudo's to you-webmaster and photographer of Clementines-you are a true piece of work......

Pool party extreme.......

I am writing this post to tell of the unexpected joy of bringing new and old people together in a familiar setting. I am amazed at the respect and loyalty of "old" friends who welcome the new with open arms. I am truly blessed at the generousity of everyone. Saturday, August 2, 2008, could have been a nightmare! I've brought out some of my favorite photos of the summer so far. There are many more! The mixing of the old. The "scariness" of the new. It was incredible. The combining of different aspects of my life. The combination of food, cocktails, music and the pool. The setting was perfect. I will admit I was a little worried at the combining of my work world and my personal life.

WHY?

I am surrounded by loving, caring, and truly magnificent people. Thank you big entity in the sky! I only pray everyone who is in my life feels the same way.

I am nothing without all of you!