Pulling the directions out........

Something strange occurred today.

I succombed to the feelings in my heart. This is not a usual happening for me. The gates broke, the tears flooded my face.

It seems like just yesterday I was with my family. Last night Mom came to me in my dreams. We were all together again. Simpler times. Easy times. Long ago times.

A good friend pointed out today that I need to take some time for myself. I tend to agree and disagree.

Most people see me as narcassistic, catty, self absorbed and stingy. I can see how they would picture me this way. It is quite the opposite.

The course of the last three years of my life has changed me internally to become more guarded. More introverted to the "real" me. Gone are the days of Rodney being the emotional puddle and mess. Gone are the days of "genuinely" feeling sad. These emotions have been hidden behind the "coldness" in my heart. I miss those feelings.

On days, like today, when these feelings get released I realize all I have lost. I realize all I have gained. This is when the guilt sets in. It is a never ending circle in my heart that cannot be broken. I have yet to give myself penance for the things I have done. I have yet to let my heart tell my head "I forgive" myself. I don't know if that will ever happen. Perhaps, as humans, we are not "allowed" to let ourselves forgive and forget.......

I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful man in my life. I am extremely fortunate to have an abundance of friends. This is my family. The family I have. The family that loves me........

BUT........

I miss my "real" family.
I miss my sister leaning on me, going to dinner with her, laughing with her.
I miss my brother needing me.
I miss my Mother so much it hurts to think about it.

Memories of growing up are painful for everyone.
Loss is great for everyone.

I know I am not an exception to the rule.
I just feel so sad.
So lonely for the love of my Mother.
So lonely for the feeling of complete, unfettered, unjudgemental love. A love based on nothing but the bond a Mother and a son share.

A love, a feeling that was ripped from my life.
No memories can replace it.
People can't replace it.
The man in my life can't replace it.
My friends can't replace it.
My siblings can't replace it.

This is the emotion I am feeling right now.

It is extremely hard to be around anything, anyone, any situation that stirs the loss that I feel. The holidays magnify this feeling to a point where I sometimes think I cannot breathe. My heart breaks amongst the laughter. It shatters when I see the people I love enjoying their family.

But, I must smile and act as if nothing is wrong. I must go on with "Rodney".

I must plan parties, go to work, be happy for everyone, smile and nod.

It just gets harder and harder every year.......

Start of Fall............

Another change in the seasons. You have got to love it! Crisp air. Cool nights. Warm friends...........

In this era of facebook, I have come to realize that the human touch is what I crave. The actual connection of two people who can look into each others eyes and respond to the non-verbal clues given out.

Don't get me wrong. I am a facebook "junkie". I love peeking into the lives of friends, old friends, and people who I have met just once. I love the quizzes designed to tell us the day we will die along with the witty daily banter of Karen Walker! Our lives have become the cyber-reality of life.

Dr. Small and I have many discussions regarding this exact thing. Dr. Small has the "fortunate" job of teaching in the public school system. And, to make it even better, it is English. Society has changed. It always evolves. But, I don't know if our "next" generation is going to be up to the challenge. Communication is now a series of three letter words, sent via text, without any real feeling or sentiment. I have heard first hand how difficult it is for todays youth to actually compose a sentence, complete a thought, or better yet--spell a word! Huge changes are going to have to be made!

Back to my previous rant.......... Is it so hard for someone to actually carry on a conversation without starting it with: "are you on facebook", "give me your number so I can text you"........ ENOUGH.......Call me, write me or BETTER yet.......speak with me face to face!

Thank God it's Friday!.........holla at a ho!

End of summer.

Well, the passing of time has come again. Where did the summer go? In between work, play and life.......time goes WAY too fast. I have been very fortunate this summer with the addition of the new people in my life. These new people, combined with the original "family", establishes my life. I am very fortunate to have so many loving friends in my circle. In this era of facebook and texting, it is very comforting to have those in my life who actually talk. Actually share. Actually care. I am feeling a bit sappy today.



Happy, but sappy.
I am so thankful for lunches with Joe and friends.
Happy for friends returning from family functions.
Happy to have a job with such a positive "energay".
Happy that old connections are still old and loving.
Happy that facebook has re-connected me with so many friends who had fallen through the cracks of time.
Happy that I have the respect that I have worked so hard to achieve.
Happy that I have a lovely life.

Please, everyone, enjoy the life of Rodney through his pictures below. I have an amazing life, amazing friends.......and an amazing man.





















Happy that every night I put my head on the pillow I have nothing to think about except the life I have. No worries. No drama. Just love. The man I would kill for next to me. The two dogs that have become our "surrogate" children settling into their spots on the bed. Prayers are answered. No rewarded........Who would have thought I would be this blessed.

CHECKING IN......

It has been quite a while since I last posted on my blog. What can I say? Facebook is partly to blame. The summer season is here. Work has kept me busier than I have been in years. All is good.

I have finally started to relax a little bit with the help of Joseph. He is a blessing in my life.

We have adopted another dog. Bay-Lee-Jo. Part Jack Russell, part Shitz Zu. (sp?)

The pool is open, yet I feel differently about it this year. I have taken on the notion of our home. Not taken it on, but appreciate it more than usual. Is it wrong that I don't want to share my sanctuary with everyone? Is it wrong that I see it as people treading across my home with no regard for OUR life? Selfish, I know. It is just that with Joe working as much as I do, we very rarely have time for ourselves!

It will all be fine.

later my friends. I will try to do better in the postings.

Survived another Mother's Day.....

Yesterday was an interesting one.

The anniversary of my suicide attempt.
Mother's Day.
Joseph leaving, yet again, for a week.
My sister in law sending me a message on Facebook regarding my nieces graduation from high shool.
The loss of two friends.

I survived.

Life is good.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!!!

Hey all,

Mark your calendars for an evening of fun and laughter, drinks, food, and a worthy cause. Luvy Duvy's together with ACT NOW RESCUE! are throwing a fund raiser for our tattered and torn animals. Together, with your support, we are going to raise some moolah to get medical care to these precious creatures. It is only $25.00, all of which goes to the cause, and that includes FOOD, BEER AND WINE!



Don't let the animals down! Come enjoy the evening on the wonderful patio! Come enjoy the company of great friends--both old and new! Our own little man, Maxx-EE-Mo was a stray rescue! He has proven to be the true love of our lives!!



Luvy Duvy's is located on the corner of Arsenal and Jefferson. Across from Benton Park!

See you all there!

Another year.....

It has been a while since I have "spoken" on here. Sometimes, it is easier to just shut down the brain. Easier to not deal with the demons. Easier not to face the gut wrenching pain of loss.

This intro might sound morbid. It might sound "grandeur" in style. It is my life.

My personal life is terrific. I am completely surrounded by friends of the greatest nature. I have a very busy social calendar. I have a completely loving partner.

I still feel as if something is missing.

To much, to fast? My life is perfect. Perfect in the now. Terrible in the past. I have overcome the obstacles of the past year.

I am stronger.

Completely confident.

Completely confused.

The last 4 months have been a revolving door of trials.

Triumphs. Successes. Failures.

Each higher and better than the last. They say the harder you try, the harder it is to accept defeat. So true.

I would love to ramble about the disappointments. I would love to voice the pain of what I feel. I refuse to give voice to something so trivial in the long run of life. Another lesson. Another task completed.

It is all good.....except for one thing.

My mom. Her birthday has passed again. Laura and I often speak of the pain of losing our mothers. I didn't just lose my mother. I lost my best friend, my heart, my drive, my home. I was/am very blessed to have had her in my life. Even if for only a short time. Perhaps, NO, this is one of those lessons in life I am to overcome and defeat.

Just one problem. The harder I try to succeed in life. The farther her memory goes from my mind. I don't want to lose her memories. I don't want to wallow in them either. How does one find the middle ground?

I want the stability of mind to accept what I am. Who I am. Where I am. Just to leave it at that. I don't think that will ever happen.

I often stated. "without the desire to better oneself, one is nothing." I would love to take credit for that saying. The harder and closer I come to being successful, the quicker I am to pull my own rug out from under me. Will this ever end? Probably with death.

I am not looking for pity.
I am not looking for condolences.
I am looking for me.

ASSETS VERSUS LIABILITIES

In this crazy thing called life.

Many assets.
Many liabilities.

How does one weigh and balance the two?

How can a single comment cut you to the core? How can I ignore the pain. The hurt. The anger? It is not easy. In the course of 24 hours I have discovered that I am nothing but a number. I am nothing but a statistic in this world. A very small number. Minute. Tiny.

I made the mistake of thinking that I was actually a viable and portant part of something. I led myself to believe that without my "work", failure would insue. Ha.

I was played the fool. I was made the patsy. I was made to think I was actually helping. I was used. I was "played". Climb a ladder. Literally. Only to discover there was nothing there but my own failure. My folly. My lesson.

Now, to work through the lesson to get to the result. The result of my "own" doing.

I did what I usually do. Jump in head first. Thinking "it won't happen to me again". When will I learn.

I will take the high road.
I will be the man.

Only this time, on my terms.

Not lost! Just extremely BUSY!!!

Hello all. Yes, I am back. I have not been gone. Just extremely busy! I've taken on a second job. (actually, a second life!) My days, along with Joe's, have become a whirlwind. Monday through Thursday, mild mannered DNT boy! Friday, Saturday, and Sunday--the hostess with the most-ess!

I sit back in wonder. Who would have "thunk" it? I go back and re-read some of the earliest posts on here. WOW! What else can I say? It feels so GOOD to be loved! To be exhausted from WORK! To be RESPECTED for my business savvy and taste! I forgot how much I love to be OVERWORKED!

SO, if you are missing my postings here. Come visit my other site. http://rehabthegrove.blogspot.com/ It's about a little place called "rehab".

See you all soon.

Fear.

Over the past couple of weeks many things have come into light.

First and foremost, my trips down memory lane—for the last year!

As part of my parole/probation process, I am required to see a psychiatrist for counseling. This is both the problem and the solution. I have to face the demon of depression head on. It is a true illness that has influenced my family for every generation that I remember.

The worst affected? My late mother. As you know from my previous posts, my Mother was my life. My Mother didn’t have an easy life. My Mother was a fighter. Until the last three years of her life. She beat the cancer. She beat the odds. But depression crippled her ability to see the fullness of her life. I don’t want that cycle to continue in me.

In the past three days I have had a barrage of comments from everyone.

People close.
Work associates.
Casual acquaintances.

And the usual statement to Joe from friends and complete strangers-- “How do you deal with him? He is a handful”. Joe’s response—“medication”. To which he then follows up or it is quoted by the person asking—“double the dose”.

It is hard to explain. This mental process in my head.

For many years I had to play:

The perfect spouse/boyfriend.
The perfect friend.
The perfect son.
The perfect brother.
The perfect employee.
The perfect prisoner.

I was/am far from perfect.

I set up these “standards” and “points of attainment” in my mind to keep me striving for excellence in my own world. It is impossible. I figure/figured without these “goals” my life would be normal, non-existent, and unworthy of recognition. I still feel this way. I don’t want to but my brain is hard wired for this type of living-and it is hard to undo 41 years of habit overnight.

I am working toward solutions. I am grasping and grappling with demons every minute of my life. I know I am no different from anyone else. I know my “plight” is not that extreme. I just know that I must deal with it every minute of my life. As, alas, do those closest to me.

My actions are sometimes:
Erratic. Forceful. In your face. Condescending. Self deprecating. Mean. Hateful. Distrustful. Ugly. Funny. Sad. Loving. Caring….

In other words. Human.

Mine are just to the 99th degree.

Now. Take the “Rodney” you all know. And the actions and emotions I put out to you all -- and – turn it inward towards yourself. Every emotion and thought that I put out, is reverberated back into my brain with triple the force and emotion that you receive/see. This is the easiest way for me to explain my inner workings. If you see that I am upset on the outside….know this….on the inside…….it is three times as worse. I have my rational/irrational and sane/insane and logical/illogical all fighting for their say. This is why when I "love" something/someone I smother and when I dislike something/someone I "detest".

Drama? Of course.
Tiring? Very.
My life? For as long as I can remember.

The difference, now, compared to 5 years ago is that I keep all of this bottled up. I have to rationally and intelligently watch my actions and emotions 24/7. I am not paranoid. I am realistic. I have been given a second chance in life, and the first sign of a “fuck up” and I am headed back down the road to “loony land”.

Granted, I am no Sybill. I am no candidate for a rubber room. I am just being open and honest with those who have expressed concern and wonderment of my changes. Every day brings everyone of us closer to our date with destiny. What ever that may be. I have learned the hard way that actions have reactions, and the past never forgets. Especially in your OWN mind.

So.
In closing.
Know that I am aware of my actions, even more than any of you, and I am working on a balance of my emotions. Go with my flow, clock me like you do, but please, at least try to have an understanding of what is occurring in my head along with the situation/s that we are living in!

China Man....

The new year has brought, yet another, interesting person into my life. Tommy Wang. Chinese resident. Tommy is a bright, intelligent, inquisitive, and affable young man. He has brought a sense of "wonder" back into my life. He entered my life on New Year's Eve. He has been a part of my life since! Questions about society on both our parts. Simple tasks. Simple words. Extraordinary explanations. It is as if I am re-discovering St. Louis and America again for the first time. Conversations about government. Religon. Family. And America's waste! Both of our time and our resources!

Saturday, Joe and I, took Tommy to Soulard market. WOW. Within the first thirty seconds of being there we ran into some friends. It is amazing the freedom, we as Americans, take for granted. The simple gesture of kissing and hugging our friends, men-of course, would not be tolerated in China. First conversation. Second conversation was the different prices on the same items/vegetables/fruit. Free enterprise. In China, there is one set price, and that price has to be "obeyed" by all merchants. (God love the greedy Americans!) Third conversation. Tommy wanted to know why we had bought "bamboo" to eat. We explained that it was asparagus. So many things we take for granted. Asparagus? I sit here smiling at the irony of it all.

Here I sit in a great country, with "asparagus" bountiful, sharing my life with a man who grew up and was raised up not knowing the true meaning of freedom. As we continued to walk through the market, Tommy was like a sponge. Trying to soak up every little detail. More friends arrived. More hugs. More kisses. More smiles.

Uncle Edward told me that Tommy asked if being gay was acceptable in the United States. Uncle Edward's response? "Who the fuck cares. If your happy with yourself, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks!"

My point is this. Thank God for our values, our freedom, our lives. As fucked up as things might seem to me, or to America in general, WE are one lucky bunch of people on this big blue planet. Even with all the faults, civil rights unjustification, and finger pointing......I thank God I am living in this country.

Thank you Tommy Wang for showing me the way.