Another year.....

It has been a while since I have "spoken" on here. Sometimes, it is easier to just shut down the brain. Easier to not deal with the demons. Easier not to face the gut wrenching pain of loss.

This intro might sound morbid. It might sound "grandeur" in style. It is my life.

My personal life is terrific. I am completely surrounded by friends of the greatest nature. I have a very busy social calendar. I have a completely loving partner.

I still feel as if something is missing.

To much, to fast? My life is perfect. Perfect in the now. Terrible in the past. I have overcome the obstacles of the past year.

I am stronger.

Completely confident.

Completely confused.

The last 4 months have been a revolving door of trials.

Triumphs. Successes. Failures.

Each higher and better than the last. They say the harder you try, the harder it is to accept defeat. So true.

I would love to ramble about the disappointments. I would love to voice the pain of what I feel. I refuse to give voice to something so trivial in the long run of life. Another lesson. Another task completed.

It is all good.....except for one thing.

My mom. Her birthday has passed again. Laura and I often speak of the pain of losing our mothers. I didn't just lose my mother. I lost my best friend, my heart, my drive, my home. I was/am very blessed to have had her in my life. Even if for only a short time. Perhaps, NO, this is one of those lessons in life I am to overcome and defeat.

Just one problem. The harder I try to succeed in life. The farther her memory goes from my mind. I don't want to lose her memories. I don't want to wallow in them either. How does one find the middle ground?

I want the stability of mind to accept what I am. Who I am. Where I am. Just to leave it at that. I don't think that will ever happen.

I often stated. "without the desire to better oneself, one is nothing." I would love to take credit for that saying. The harder and closer I come to being successful, the quicker I am to pull my own rug out from under me. Will this ever end? Probably with death.

I am not looking for pity.
I am not looking for condolences.
I am looking for me.