Won't stop........

gloomy.

The tears won't stop.

Loss. Pain. Extreme loss.................

I can't shake this feeling.
being ripped out.
ventricle by ventricle.......

fucking with my mind today.

birth.
mom.
grandma.
siblings.
high school.
ste. gen.
air force.
ste.gen.
prison.
re-birth.
death.

all things that have formed me.

For better or worse.

why do i still feel as if it was yesterday.
or better yet.

today..............

palms sweaty.
tears rolling.
cigarette burning.
music playing.
dogs watching this strong man being weak....................

home.
walls.
coffee...........

prison cell of memories.

life.
life.
life.
life.


refuge of my mother's arms.
refuge of my mother's love.
gone.

refuge of siblings laugh.
refuge of siblings support.
gone.

identity?
skewed.
scarred.
broken.

fresh air.
fresh attitude.

same feelings.......only masked.........hidden.

Here we go again..........

I'm back. Publishing words again. I have been writing in private for about 3 weeks now and I miss the "satisfaction" of putting it all out there. Here goes.

I am not going to whine. I am not going to bitch. I am going to state the obvious.

My star is too bright.
My life is too full.
My life is an impedement to those around me.

I have been fortunate enough to know both happiness and despair. And, trust, I don't want the despair.

If my joy of life. My "verve" proves too much for people......what does that say about those around me who criticize my every move. Word. Action. Re-action.

I am cleaning house. Gone are those who suck from my "verve" only to throw it back at me.

Gone are those who whisper behind my back.

Gone are those who, out of jealousy, try to knock me down for being me.

In essence. I am becoming the closed clam I was when I started this journey.

I have those in my life who truly care.

Gone are those who truly care to try and dismantle me.



I miss the simple life.
I miss the joys of being me.
I miss the times of when I wasn't the "thorn" in everyone's side.
I miss the relaxation of being a closed book.


I long for quiet, fun conversations with my Mother.
I long for my mind to just relax.
I long for my life to be just mine..............

Why do I get upset in just thinking of taking life one minute at a time.

Why do I still get choked up thinking about how far I have come and how far I still have to go.

When does it get any easier? Or does it ever?

I've watched people come and go in my life.
Each one taking something.
Each one giving something.

Those who really mattered are gone.
Some by their choice.
Some by mine.