Prisoner to self.................

Another flash in the pan weekend. Nothing new, nothing changed.

Same old, same old.

I've got to change the big picture.

This weekends activities albeit fun were typical.

Same buildings.
Same friends.
Same routines.

I have no one to blame but "self". I'm falling back into the trap of the "old" me. The "old" settling for the ordinary. The "comfortable" life of mine.

I will change. Yet, again, for self.

It amazes me through the blurry eyes of happy hours and bullshit the reality of everything in front of me.

Leers. Jealously. Disdain. Hatred. Love. All interchangeable. All thriving in the same environment with each other.

I am not a proud man.
I am not a shy man.
I am NOT a stupid man.

I know the attitudes and looks from others are just that. Their feelings. Their thoughts. Their inadequacies. Their projection of their own "inability" to put themselves out there for life to happen. Barnacles on the ship of life. Never contributing, just leeching and sucking the life out of the most convenient source. The obvious way of being friendly, only to sneer and laugh at the situation.

Who are these people? How do they sleep at night? Is the feeling of superiority so intense that it outweighs simple courtesy?

The answer to this question will never be answered. It will never be addressed face to face. The answers would be too INTENSE, the situation would be too VOLATILE, the results would be too REAL........

I accept these people for who they are in this world.

I just want these PEOPLE to be on NOTICE.
I am not blind.
I am never that "messed up".
I am never not "aware" of your looks and attitudes.

I am CONSTANTLY aware of my surroundings and those in my immediate area. I automatically put up a defensive stance of protection, for myself and those whom I care about, in my mind. So, don't discount me or my mental acumen, I am aware.

I can forgive. I can never forget............

This comment doesn't make me bad. It makes me honest and human. As many of you can never forget I was in prison. Don't think I can forget glances, snide comments, or a simple rolling of the eyes.

Last year at this time, I was locked behind steel bars. Forced to shower, shit, and shave with 60 other men in a living situation that NO ONE should ever have to endure. I slept next to convicted murderers, arsonists, and God only knows what else.

I SURVIVED..........

I may be loud, boisterous, and obnoxious.

But, as Miss Cellie said in the "Color Purple". ----

"I'z free. God, help me, I'z free."