Life is coming at me slowly. Life is coming at intervals of seconds that feel like hours. Complete, frozen, immobile, unmoving. Fast, incomplete, fluid, the speed of light. Traveling these avenues has been a ride of surprise and wonder. Not for the faint or the weak. In the course of this blog I hope to inspire, frighten, give hope, and some understanding. The workings of my mind , with the crashing of reality, should make an interesting read.
I am an average man. I am looking for the same thing that everyone in the world wants. Respect. Love. Courage. Conviction.
I am estranged from my life prior to prison. I have been away from my life for 1 year. People have changed. Life is different. Wounds are deeper, some that can never be healed.
I have been out of prison for exactly 33 days now. In these 33 days I have learned more than I could ever have imagined. There are parts of my life that have never changed, and will never change, over the course of this discovery.
The reality of my life is finding my place in life . The reality of trying to hold my head as high as I possibly can. Trying to face my own self respect. Trying to promote that self respect. Trying to just survive the day without the horror of the memories of prison. Awaking each morning to tell myself, "it will be okay today."
My life has become an open book for the entire world to read. The problem with this theory and reality is that everyone is reading from an old version of what I used to be. The friends and acquaintances that I had are either dealing or their not. It is mostly the latter. I have gotten extremely close to three people, and I refuse to open my life anymore at this point. It is hard enough to be by myself, let alone subject my "friends" to my drama.
What no one understands about this "book" that they are reading is the character has shifted and realized his full potential. This "character" has evaluated everything he has, which is not much, and is very thankful. This "character" has become a survivor. I have had no other choice.
Over the course of this blog I hope to discover what makes me tick. What truly pisses me off. Why American penal systems are a joke. Why every criminal, whether a check kiter or mass murderer are treated exactly the same. I will never make excuses for my crime. I will never try to justify my crime. I will say I have did my time, am still property of the state, and will not be ashamed of who I have become!
I hope to enlighten my life with the hope and prosperity of everyone around me.
The Beginning of the Beginning. Shall we go for it?
3 comments:
Bobby R:
All I can say is you are on the right track. Society will forgiven you for your errors, just as we must beleive the same is true for all of us. The most important issue, is that you can forgive yourself. Although your story sounds to be rough at times, it will get better everyday. I am confident in saying after reading your words that you are a confident, self-relying, strong man, and will make a new path for yourself, with new dreams, new hopes, new friends, and I am confident to say, new love will follow as well. Remember you can forgive, and even try to forget, but you can never change the past, therefore, the focus of your life is now directed towards the present and the future. My dear man, use your strenghts, learn from your weakness - use these to build and restore yourself. Although I must say after reading your blog, it sounds like you are on a hard but solid path to freedom from your demons. I look forward to following your triumphs as you travel this road, and I excited to follow along as you do. REMEMBER - "EVEN THOUGH YOUR ON THE RIGHT TRACK, YOU JUST CAN'T SIT THERE!" Will Rogers
I just have one more thing to say, I AM PROUD OF YOU! Yo-Yo
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Today is a great day only if you make it one!
Go for it!
Yo Yo
I think you are on your way to really being happy. You really need to look deep within yourself and find your pains and fears. When you do walk towards them. Once you face and deal with your inner fears and pains. You will begin to heal and be empowered. Keep your head up and stay encouraged. The prison system is a system similar to the slavey system. Divide and conquer!
Ms. T.
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