LEGAL PANHANDLING

Today I begin the humiliating process of seeing agencies for assistance. This process is in place to keep a person down. I am not unthankful for the help. I am just embarassed by the process. "Call this office, to schedule an appointment with this person, who has to refer you to the next office, to be told........."we can't help". On the rare moments of clarity in this process, you begin to doubt every fiber of what and who you have become. All the good out the window. You have been relegated, again, to that of an ex-convict. It is humbling. It is life. It is necessary. Not everyone in these agencies are uncaring. Not all of them are caring.

The mentality has been raised, no spoonfed, via media, government, and shear stupidity. Second chances in America are only allowed for druggie celebrities and government officials. The "average" Joe should know better. The "average" Joe makes in two years what these celebrities and government officials make in 2 months or 2 weeks. The societal crux of classification has been broadening for the last 20 years. No more "average" Joes, just have and have nots. This, in my humble opinion, has been just one of many reasons for the rise in crime. I will not lie. I got caught up in the speak. Caught up in the hustle. Without "things", you are nothing in America. Especially, in today's MTV/My Space world. (Do people even watch MTV anymore?--Oh YEAH--that sweet Lelia Tequila! Now there's a role model for today's youth!)

I don't want anyone thinking because of that last statement that I am "blaming" society for my action. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I am simply stating a mitagating factor in my mentality. Yes, like everyone else-whether you admit it or not, I became a victim of societal placement. I was weak. I couldn't rise above the pigeon holing of my class. I was a "have not" acting as a "have"r. The joke was on me. No one else.

That gives an honest opinion of what I was feeling pre-prison. Always keeping up with the Jones'. Always, "everything is cool, no problem". It was all bullshit. Complete. Utter. Bullshit. I used people. I abused friendships. I thought of no one but myself. Literally, and at the time I was 7 years into a relationship. Totally corrupt. Totally self destructive.

That was then.

I have now, thanks to my incarceration and a lot of soul searching, seen the error of my ways. (Poetic, huh?) I no longer care what jeans I wear. I no longer care if I can go to places with my friends. I have been humbled in the best way. I keep it real. I keep it simple. Thus, perhaps, is the reason for my slow pace in this fast tracked life. I refuse to play the societal game even though there is no way out of it. I refuse to fall back into the life of deceit.

So..........I go panhandling. Not in the sense that I am bothering cars at intersections or unsuspecting tourists walking the sidewalks. But, legal panhandling. Any you know what? It will be fine. If not, I move onto the next hurdle.

The faith that I have in my fellow man has been restored. The thought of societal classification is so 2000. In order for me to break my own cycle, I must start the breaking from inside. I must stop all thoughts of self-destruction and remember that we, as humans, are given only what WE can handle. This is what sets us apart from plant life, correct?