Today's entry is going to elaborate on yesterday's blog entry. My freedom is not the issue. I am embracing, holding, worshipping, and celebrating every minute of my life. I gave the wrong impression to a lot of people with my posting yesterday.
I AM NOT TRAPPED.
I AM NOT A PRISONER, ANYMORE, THAN ANYONE ELSE WHO IS TRYING TO SORT OUT THEIR LIFE.
I have been given one of the greatest gifts on the planet. That of forgiveness. Selfless love. Respect. And integrity. I, finally, realized all these things come from within my self. I cannot and will not look for these attributes from anyone else, for myself. For 40 odd years I searched for completion of my self.
All the while, the answer was right in front of my face. It was buried deep within my broken heart.
It still amazes me, the depth of the human spirit and soul in every person. It is truly amazing to have life come back at you full force, for all the right reasons. Not for the "bad".
I still struggle with insecurities, as do most, but I will not allow them to win this time.
I am worth it. (If this sounds like an Oprah moment--I guess it is!) Something has clicked. Something has registered in this big watermelon head of mine. Faith in myself is slowly building to a rolling boil.
Two complete strangers took a chance on me. I had faith in them, they had trepidations on their mind. I had to sell myself as worthy.
Guess what? I did it. It was easy.
In seperating myself from my old thoughts and surroundings, a door was blown wide open for me. A window of opportunity. For most people it would not be a big opportunity. For me it is HUGE.
This opportunity reinforces what I have known all along. Again, the human spirit is one of surprises and joy.
But, and this is a big BUT.
For this one opportunity to occur for me, I had to have a 100 doors slammed in my face.
A friend of my friend, gave her friend a chance.
This "friend"(-me-) will never be able to express the joy and wonder of her belief in me!
One friend to believe in me enough to "help" me with my struggle of independence and self worth.
This 'action" of true friendship does seperate her from all the rest! She was willing and is willing to go out on a limb for me. I would take a bullet for her, and most of my friends. But, I can honestly say-she and, one other, are the only two who would return the favor.
You see, most of my friends are of the "me" generation. My incarceration impacted their life when I left.
I was gone for a year. I came back. I'm different. I'm a "new" person. This "new" person is a threat to the status quo. The status quo is fine, it is just not for me. (amen)
The point I am trying to make in this rambling, is the fact of belief and trust in just another human. My friends are great people, they are just too into themselves. OR-they just are that ignorant to the needs of society. Which I know is not the case. I pride myself on my choice of friends--or I did. I am not speaking specifically about my situation. (Although, many of them work for huge companies and own private companies-and the offer of employment was not and I honestly believe, will not ever be brought up.)
I am speaking specifically about the whole of the nation.
I know I am not the only one in this boat. I attend a re-entry class with 20 other people. Everyone of us has our skeletons, everyone of us just wants a chance. I, honestly, don't think three-fourths of us will make it. It is a proven statistic that the recidivism rate is at 80%. SO....that means out of the 20 of us, at least 16 will return to jail! What does that say about society?
Why should I care? Why should anyone else? I didn't before it happened to me.
We, as a society, have to offer and give support to anyone who is down on their luck. My favorite saying is "I don't want a hand out, I want a helping hand." It is very true that it is harder to ask for help than to just suffer in silence. There in essence is the problem with America's throw away society. Not convenient, brush it aside. Not easy, concentrate on a celebrity and her custody battles.
enough.
My point is this simple.
Thanks to the generousity of an unknown man and woman having faith in me as a person, not a prior convict, my soul has grown a little stronger.
If this simple act from a stranger has impacted my life. Can you imagine how good everyone and anyone in your life would feel from a random act of kindness? A random "sweet" thought and wish expressed out of concern, not out of obligation?
A quarter in a homeless mans cup is worth more to him than the $380 million powerball for this Saturday.
BUT, and I'll put my life on this, the average Missourian will spend at least $10.00 for a one in a QUADMILLIONBILLIONTRILLION chance to hit the powerball. And laugh at the homeless person, or yell at them to get a job on their way to Quicktrip to get their Powerball ticket!
Take a second to consider this:
1. Do you honestly think anyone wants to be in the situation that lessens your value among society?
2. Do you honestly think that society, in general, LOVES the thought of plight among their own?
3. This plight, it sure makes you feel superior!
4. Good luck on your POWERBALL chances.
WOW......I did not know this was going to come out. I'm glad it has though. If it makes a difference to one person, it was worth it!
Have a great weekend friends. God bless and protect you all!
1 comment:
Wow you had a lot to say this morning. Don't you feel better? I know you look fabulous!!! Ok back to topic. I really can't imagine the stats are that high for people going back into the system. But I can see how they would have no other choice because our system is so worried about who is going to pay for what and with all the red tape, people get lost in the shuffle.
People are the most important part of this whole living thing. If we don't risk ourselves for someone else then what do we get in return. We get the same-o-same shit and no reward. The most invigorating part of life is to experience it... learn from it..... and be happy with it.
Think of your social life... do you go out looking to meet someone new? And when you do meet them, do you really remember them the next time you see them... that, I think is the kicker. If someone impacts your life, then you should remember their name and something about them.
OK back to topic again, you know I did not post yesterday because your blog entry was going in all sorts of different ways, I wanted to give you time to sort out the direction you really wanted to go. I think we all struggle with insecurities, and we always will because there is always going to be a Dr. Phil show on that tells us why we should be insecure. Being insecure can be good because it makes us look at ourselves from within ourselves. If that makes any sense.
I know how hard you have worked to find a job and at the present time you might even have two if all works out.... The people that gave you a chance are only concerned about what you are now, not what you were before. And if more people took that outlook on life, our society would be better for all of us.
You are a vibrant individual and you sell yourself to others all the time. You are now concerned about yourself and YOU should be. No one else is going to be able to stop you if you want to be in part of the 80% that goes back to prison. I want you to be the biggest success story from this experience.
I have known you for over 10 years and I have see you grow, struggle, cry and laugh like someone was tickling you and you did not want them to stop. With all of that said, you continue to do what YOU need to do for YOU and your friends will be there celebrating with you for the rest of your life.
I love you and I am extremely fortnate to have me in my life again.
Boss
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