Frustration? Frustrated? Fucking pissed!
I've recently discovered, in the last 10 minutes, how gay I really am. Not through my own discovery, but that of societal views. It is not enough that I have fought my entire life to be "whom" I am , but yet it is still not enough for everyone.
Fuck Everyone! I have spent the last 40 years of my life being told how I am to act, how I am to behave, how I am to love, who I am to love, what I am to love, why I am to love, why I can't love, why I am not allowed to BE.......
In prison, like high school and free society, there are RULES. The difference with prison and the free world is the ground upon which a person stands.
No subterfuge. No deception.
Just black and white.
Right or wrong.
Life or death.
Love and hate.
I always knew where I stood in prison. I was a gay man. I was a proud man. I was a RESPECTED MAN. Why can it not be the same out here?
Now, many people will argue that I am just fooling myself into the false sense of security that a contained society ensures. In reality, it was a sense of security. You always knew who your enemies were. You always knew who had your back. You always knew "how" to survive.
I, honestly, don't know anymore.
I've tried to live my last 62 days with respect.
Understanding.
Love.
Compassion.
Friendship.
Family..............all for naught.
No amount of self respect can ever replace the disdain that is caused by the lack of "seeing" who I actually have become. I thought I was doing the right things. I thought I was living the "right" way.
Along the way, I forgot that society, friends, family, casual acquaintances, and complete strangers hold more power than any singular source located in your own soul. I forgot the pain of being "different". I forgot the pain of being "myself". I thought I could handle it, I can't.
People don't realize the pain involved with living day to day in a society full of hate and prejudice that is so "hidden". In prison, you knew who hated the "fags". You knew who wanted to use you for whatever. You knew when you were about to be blindsided.
Here on the outside. The "false security" that prison reinforces in your mind is blown to pieces.
I have NEVER been a weak man. I have never backed down from a fight. I have never not stood for what I believe.......In prison, that was a plus. It was a positive thing. An admirable quality, a trustworthy quality. Something that made you a man more than any violence, hatred, or bigotry.
This blog is not directed at one person, but all people.
Give it a rest. Give me a chance.
I like men.
I like women.
I just want to respected. I want to be looked upon for the man I am becoming. I don't want to be judged for the person I sleep with. I don't want to be judged for baking cookies. I don't want to be judged for loving a job with no future!
I just want to be respected for trying to utilize and appreciate what I have in my life at this present time. I don't always want to be an ex-convict loser. I want to be a successful man in MY head.
I could say I don't give a shit about what people think of me, but it would be a lie. Everyone worries about that.
I just want a fair chance, like everyone else. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps it is, and I have to grow an even thicker skin than I thought I had. After 40 years you would think a stupid comment wouldn't shake a man to his core.
I wish it were true. But it is not.
Shaken, broken, scared, and ashamed of what I have become again.
It is sad to say, but I felt better about myself in prison. At least there, I knew where I stood in my own head.
No questions.
No doubts.
No false pretenses.
Why can't I have it here with the people that supposedly love and care for me?
2 comments:
Bobby,
You are "running" so hard that you are not stopping to see what you have accomplished. You have a secure place to stay, you now have a full time job, and no more stupid classes that were below you to begin with, a group of people that love you and support you. Yes, those people might ride you sometimes because they love you. They also want you to be careful and not go out with your "blinders" on. You need to see everything not just what you want to see.
YES, you came out of a rigid environment with rules for every minute of the day and night and now you don't have those same rigid circumstances. I think that is part of the issue. You were told when to eat, sleep, piss, shit and shower and now you don't have that. You now need to check yourself and how you go about your day, there is not going to be someone to guide you through this life. You are your guide, not society and not your friends and family. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU!
Stop running from yourself!!! When was the last time you were able to sit and watch a movie? I don't mean when you was the last time you have had time to watch a movie, I mean when have you allowed yourself 2 hours to dive into someone elses drama?
We all need diversions in life, that is how we survive. If we go through this thing called life without our diversions we would be robots. I don't want to be a robot. I want to live my life, I want to make my mistakes and I want to learn from them.
Your comment: "People don't realize the pain involved with living day to day in a society full of hate and prejudice that is so 'hidden'". Let me chat on that.
As long as we have different cultures, believes and religions we will always react this way to our fellow man. It does not matter that we are the melting pot society, and that was fine when the people that came to this country we people that we wanted. Now that other cultures and religions are trying to come to the land of opportunity, we stop them because they don't look like us, or talk like us or eat what we eat. We, as a society, need to look into the mirror and remember where we came from, where our ansestors came from before we make a comment about someone else.
If it is in reference to gay vs straight world, some people just can't handle other people having the courage to live their lives the way that makes them the most happy. I do think our society is starting to come around to gay couples but I am still uncomfortable about public display of affection in the "straight world". But at the same time, I want to tell the world who I love and they should be ok with it. I am not judging them, why should they judge me and who I love.
Bobby,
I am here to support you and with that support, you will sometime hear things you don't want to hear but you know they are coming. Stay strong and have a great day.
Bobby...
If I could....
I would wrap my arms around you and take away:
every pain,every hurt,
every sorrow, every jerk,
every mean word said, every mean word read,
every sad thought you get at night, every noise when you want it quite,
every disturning glance, even every mistaken chance.
What I can do...
I can hold your hand and walk side by side:
past the hurt, and past the pain,
past the jerk who means nothing,
ignore those mean words said, look away from the mean words read,
I would take away the sad thoughts at night, and remove the noise so its just right.
Bobby, I would hold you tight!!!
This I can do!
Love,
Yo-Yo
A poet and don't know it! LOL
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