It is amazing the thoughts that cross my mind.
It is amazing to me the doubts I sometimes feel putting my thoughts out there.
It is amazing that in today's world I should feel guilty for nothing!
I've thought a lot since my last posting and I've come to realize that people are going to think and do whatever they want. Why should they be any different than I?
In essence, the duality of my thoughts bounce back and forth between pleasing myself and pleasing those in my life. The Ying-Yang effect of the pull between my lobes leaves me queasy.
I have changed. I have not changed. The struggle to become something other than "friend", "ex-con", "lover", "brother", "man", and human is staggering. Each one of these facets of my life makes me who I am.
I am complicated.
I am not complicated.
I am free.
I am trapped.
Now, before everyone gets upset. Let me explain.
The complexity of my life, as not complex as it is, is grating.
The constant need to be busy. The constant need to be needed. The constant need to be wanted. The constant need of peace. The constant need of joy. The constant need of sorrow.
I know this is all a part of growing. A part of life. The things everyone must go through and endure to become strong. The so called "rights of passage".
I, in hindsight, create every drama that enters my life. I spread myself to thin. I try to be everything to everyone and then bitch about "me" time. Crazy? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Life? Yes.
My faithful readers know me as well as I know myself. I am not complaining. I am not bitching. I am just on a man-box at the moment.
I know each of us have struggles. I know each of us strive for our own version of "perfection".
My question is this? If we reach that level of "perfection" in our lives, what then? What, then, becomes the drive to force yourself out of bed every morning? What becomes the need in your own life to succeed, if you have already attained success? What if everything you wanted and worked for in life was thrown in your lap?
Life is not meant to be easy. It is not meant to be happy. It is meant to be what you want it to be. Happy. Sad. Good. Bad. The decision is in your hands.
One must create one's own life. It can not be dictated by people, places, situations, or guilt.
A very dear man I know is getting ready to embark on the hardest journey of his life. I adore this man. I admire this man. I pity this man.
The pity is out of concern. The pity is out of my need to make his life easier, and in essence, there is nothing I can do but hold his hand and lend my ear. I wish him the best. I know he will survive.
The question is what part of him is going to be defeated and infinately change his soul? I spoke with my friend this morning and his spirits were up. The thought of his freedom was overwhelming to him. The concept of being who he wants to be has set him free. The reality of it will destroy lives. Not in a fatal, death sense.........just the thought of everyone questioning his truthfullness. Questioning his loyalties. Questioning his love. Questioning the reasons behind this "change".
I feel for this friend. I know exactly what he is going through with the question of guilt, trust, love, lost friendships, lost lives........only to be bombarded with new doubts and questions for the rest of his life.
There is no easy way to do it. There is never going to be a right time. It will just happen. He, like myself, will pay the price and emerge a "different" person.
This "different" person is who I am upset about.
I know how hard it is to pull yourself up from the drudges. I know how satisfying it is to succeed, if just for a second, in life. After you hit rock bottom, everything else is smooth sailing.
I have rambled quite a bit this morning, but the main thought is this.
Live your damn life. Deal with messes along the way. Clean up your messes and move on. True people-friends, children, family, associates-will be there. IF, and only IF, you are honest from the beginning.
GOOD LUCK "R"..........you are in my thoughts.
2 comments:
So, I read your blogs and I guess I am one of the "transparent" friends you talk about. I for one, will never believe I am who you describe because I, unlike others I could list, did my best, the best way I knew how...to support you in your decisions. I was your best friend and though you might not think you need "me" or others from your past is your decision, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. You should know that most of all. I was there during some really dark hours. I wrote you letters while you were at your rock bottom. I'm sorry that I can not understand what it feels to be like you....but that is what makes us different, individuals...unique. I know someone new too.....I know the old you and I wish I was given the chance to know the new you. I'm proud of you and what you have proclaimed and I smile when I read your blogs. I get hurt because I think....are you kidding me...is he calling me those things? Then I am like....no, because I have been honest witih you, supported you the best way I knew how and I, when everyone else turned their backs.....I Believed in you a long time ago. No, I'm not on a soap box either, but I will stand my ground because you were and still are a part of my life whether it be in physical form or in my heart. That my friend, will never change. We can't change the past, but I will not let the past change my views on the friend I once adored like a brother. My friend who was my best friend who I would have trusted my life with. I will not let it change my belief in you....because without you being a apart of my "past"....I wouldn't be where I am today. So, I will look forward when we can chat again. I want to laugh like always....and I know we will. Just know...I am not transparent, I am a genuine person who has their own thoughts and opinions....you of all people should know that best about me most.
Wishful,
I do not put you in the categories you seem to think. I, also, treasure every memory of our time together. We went through a lot. We continue to go through our OWN life.
I was speaking of those friends who were closest to me prior to my incarceration. If you think back, prior to my prison term, we had not spoken for over a year. It was no ones fault, it, like life, just happened.
I miss you. I miss the fun times. But, you must realize, life waits for no one. You know that. How many times have you shifted your own gears and moved to something more than what you had at the present? How many times have you admitted your own defeat and moved on? I, like you, am trying to do the exact same thing.
Just because we don't speak every day. Don't email every day. Don't know the in and outs of our every day life. It does not mean we are not bonded and secured in our lives together.
I wish you the best, I know you wish me the best. Just give it some time. Better yet, give me some time to adjust to this NEW life.
After reading my blog, I would hope you could understand the basic principalities that I am going through.
nothing but love....
RICE........RICE.......Whatcha have for breakfast?
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