I, now, KNOW I have the support and love in my life that was missing.
I know it was there all the time and I just kept overlooking the obvious.
I am thankful for everyone and everything that has brought me to this realization.
In prior posts I speak of jaded feelings from old friends. The prospect of new friends. The losses of family and friends. The "mourning" that I have went through. Each of these steps have been a process to discover what is truly important and special in my life.
I will miss the old life. I will always have the memories of my old life.
It is time, amen, to set it free.
The constraints of my old persecutions and persecutors are GONE. I no longer care for or about their narrow views. I will always carry a special place in my heart for these people and friends, but alas, the friendships have ran the course they were destined.
It is nice to remember the good times, but it is extremely hard to pretend as if things can ever be the same. Yesterday the views really showed through the petty comments, the condescending glances, and the jealousy of my "success". I sometimes think these "friends" don't realize they are doing it, but I know human nature. I am no expert, but the repetition of certain views, words, looks, and feelings are too obvious to not be purposeful. I am through with it. These "friends" took a happy situation for me and turned into a mockery of my past life versus my present. Childish. Immature. And extremely transparent.
It amazes me in the gay community that once a person-myself-finds a sliver of happiness, the real thoughts and words come out. Sure, fake smiles-c0ngratulations and the such, but underneath a feeling of self pity that can only be expressed by typical "gay" bitchy and cattiness. All for naught. None of it effects my feelings or life, but re-inforces my thoughts on what my life has become.
MINE.
It is that simple. My life does not and will not revolve the approval of certain "friends" or acquaintances. I am living, for the first time, for myself and the man I care deeply for. No approval needed. None expected.
I am very secure in my decision. I am very secure in my own skin. I am very distressed at the views of simple people.
My life has blossomed into something far greater than I ever thought a year ago it would become.
Someone very close to me is going through a change in their life. This person is questioning their choices. Doubting their own future. It is UNREAL to see this occur in someone else. It is very humbling to know that hearts break for many reasons, but the most important one is that of loss and the results from it. This person will end up on the high road. This person will do what is best for the situation. Not for everyone involved, but for themselves. That is how it should be. Life is not to be observed, but lived. Good luck to you, although, your luck will not outshine your true, heartfelt feelings!
Two rules-both correct for life, they are simple.
1. LIVE.
2. Loudly.
Go big or go home!
I, now, have TWO purposes in my life. My own happiness and the happiness of my peanut.
I have been extremely lucky with new friends. Extremely lucky with love.
3 comments:
Monkey,
Isn't it funny. I think "life" is like a trip to Six Flags - Time takes you to each ride, and each ride tosses and turns you until you beg for it to stop, or there is an uncontrollable urge to break out in laughter. Either way - OMG - What a feeling this is.....
Each day of life takes you on another ride. Sounds like you have been on several rides over the past couple months, and as I said it sounds like some your ready to get off of, and some, you just RUN to get back in line and ride again!!!!
Monkey, you speak of finding a strength in your life, a source of a grounding, a solid root to begin building a life, and then you talk about the real thoughts and words that come out from others. Fake smiles-congratulations, resentment - underneath a feeling of self pity that can only be expressed by typical "gay" bitchy and cattiness. This is true, those who search for what you speak of "happiness, contentment, security, can never truly be happy for others when they find it.
Everyone wants to find "IT", to have "IT", to feel what it is like to experience "IT", and those who haven't - as is Human Nature - thrash out at those who have!! We all have done it ourselves. I even have... There two people on my life that found that "IT" a while ago, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't hear someone talk about how sick it is because they can't keep their hands off each other, OMG they even dress alike, How crazy is that, but if you step back, isn't this the same thing? It makes me sad to realize I was being one of those who mad ethe remarks, the jokes.
Don't take me wrong....I am not trying to justify their reactions, or words, or catty remarks, because they are uncalled for , unfair, and most of all unacceptable! Especially coming from friends who say they love you. There is no excuse for it!
It has come to my attention that I have this "crap" happening in my own personal life, that my friends - as i see it- are not happy for me, but Sad for themselves at the current moment, and I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS IN MY LIFE, AND WILL BE DEALING WITH IT PERSONALLY VERY SOON! It will stop!!!
There is a very special, loving, devoted man that has entered my life, I see my future in his eyes, I feel my strength from his embrace - he is my life, he is my best friend, he is my monkey. My frinds know him and love him, but I see this in them coming out, the remarks, the jokes, and it hurts my feelings, it make me question their loyalty. I know they are just being human, but it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't justify it. I won't allow it to be that way! not in my life, not in my monkey's life. IT WILL STOP!
more to come....
Hey Monkey hold on to this one, He's a keeper! ha
Your analogy about life and Six Flags is very true. I, especially, love the coasters. The turning, the thrashing, the rush of adrenelin...........very convincing of this circle of life.
As far as the TWO friends who dress alike. Yes, I have been on the same end as you, and I also regret my comments and thoughts. It amazes me the lengths that the human spirit will go to drag someone down to their own muck. I know the TWO friends will find their own happiness, and our dismay will only be helped and influenced by their own persecutions. As awkward as the TWO used to make me feel, I respect their loyalty and love for one another. (AND YES.....coming from me, that is HIGH praise!)
I don't wish anyone unwell, I don't want you to have to re-evaluate your friends--Just let it BE!
Isn't that what Uncle Doug says? YOu Short Tart!
You can't live your life by someone else's notions or thoughts.
We have each other, select new friends, and older friends who will eventually come around. If they don't come around--good riddance and the best of luck to them.
I know I have a keeper. I know we have each other. I want the entire world to know. I want the entire world to be jealous. I want the best possible life for us both.
Human nature is very strange... when we are young we are taught to take the high road, to not say anything negative and to turn the other cheek. Well sometimes people can't do that and they need to express their thoughts, feelings approval or disapproval in this case. You know, as well as I do, that I had more disapprovals with my partner from almost every friend I have, then anyone should have to go through. With that said, my question to you, why were you defensive? Why did you "see" the looks as a bad thing? Could it be that your turn around has been so full circle in the eyes of these people, that some are trying to see if it is real? Maybe it is because they are trying to really understand and see the new you. But everytime they "test" you, you tell them off. Don't get me wrong, if these people were hateful to you, then fuck them. But if they are trying to get to know the new Rodney then let them try.
Human nature teaches us to protect ourselves at all costs. That is what you are doing, you are protecting yourself. Is there another avenue that you might be able to socialize with these people that is not in the "clubs"? That might be a solution, because we all know the clubs are really a stage for all to see, the more you perform the more people notice you and the more people like you. It is a violent circle. If you get these folks out of that environment are they more human to you? Just a thought.
You are going to do what you want and need to do, remember that everyone is not out there to pull you down. Many times people react to their feelings subconsiously. These old friends are hurt, they loved you, they trusted you. And yes you came back a different person, they are the same. Did you see this behavior in them before? If so, then why are you surprised? It is who they are. Can you make them aware of the hurtful looks or comments, I hope you did. I hope you told them that you did not appreciate the comment or the negative attitude towards you and what you are trying to make out of your life. If you did not, they are not going to change because they see no need to, it has not been brought to them that they are doing these things to you.
Things will turn around, the looks won't be hurtful anymore because the feelings won't be fresh on anyone sleeves. Give it time, if you can find peace with them again-give them a shot. If not then good ridence.
BOSS
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