I visited with my ex on Wednesday evening and we relived a few of our past moments in comparison to our life right now. It was sad. It was joyous. It was LIFE.
Now, this visit occurred in the home of my "someone special" who was on his way home. (There is no seedy gay drama here! My ex and this someone special are very close friends. Thanks to my ex for introducing him into my life before I even got out of prison!) After the visit, we went to karaoke with more friends, and came back to "someone special's" house.
The ride home from karaoke is where my head started spinning. More questioning. More wondering. More cerebral debates between my "selves".
To set up this questioning you need to know a few basic facts. (Those of you that know me already know this but bear with me!) I am a very social person. I am very friendly. I am very oblivious to my environment when I am comfortable and safe with my friends. I like to see everyone having a good time and I try not exclude anyone within my radius. Pompous? perhaps. Necessary? no. The way I am? Exactly.........
This was the case Wednesday evening. Close friends and I enjoying a night of bad, cheezy music and fun. New friends. Old friends. Good times.......................
Until I get into the car. That is when I am informed of my overlooking the obvious. A very sweet boy, who I consider to be both mine and my someone special's friend, crossed the line. I, of course, overlooked it all as just another night of fun and laughter. I considered this "Boy" to just be silly and fun. Of course, in the land of Gaydom, it was just another ploy for attention and the possibility of sex.
Herein is where I am confused. How can I be so stupid? How could I have not seen this coming?
Now, I know I am semi-attractive. I am fun to be around. I have a gift for making anyone in my circle of reach feel as if they are the only one on the planet. It is just me. It always has been. This "gift" is what was crucial to my survival in prison. (WHOLE DIFFERENT POSTING!)
Between the talk, the incident, the coming together of my life--I asked my "someone special" if it was all possible? too quick? too convenient? TOO EASY?
His response, very sweetly, "perhaps God is finally giving you the break you have earned". Very nice. Very sincere.
Again, herein is the problem. This statement coming from him put my guard right back up. Am I just going with the flow? --OR-- Have I created an environment of convenience? Let me explain.
I struggled in prison. I paid my price. I did my time. I got out of prison.
The entire time I was in prison, no surprises here, everyone continued with their life. Everyone old, everyone new, everyone continued.........
I came out of prison, was plunged back into my life and everyone I once knew. I struggled, as I do now, trying to succeed. Working very hard to become someone that I was not before I went into prison. It has been well documented on here of my stuggles and doubts.
My ex had moved on. He had his own place. His OWN life, void of me, and was doing fine. I know it was not easy for him, but he did it without anyone.
I met "someone special". An answer to my prayers. A complete opposite of what I wanted upon my release. I did not want a relationship. I was going to be a "playa"!......quit laughing!
I was struck upon introductions to "someone special". We are doing great. He is fabulous. We are happy. We complete one another, after 70 days, and are very compatible.
Is this too quick? Have I closed off my future? Or have I secured it for the first time in my life?
This "drama" in my head is just that. "DRAMA".
I always preach to live for the day. I could be dead tomorrow. I am living with these thoughts. I am processing all my possibilities. I want the best for myself and "someone special".
THIS POSTING SHOULD GENERATE EVEN MORE DRAMA!!!!
4 comments:
I think it is time to tell you a little more about what I am , Who I am, and just what "the someone Special - me" is all about>>>>
First let me tell you that I have so many lessons behind me, what I look forward to is what's before me... not behind me. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. All I know is that I can work to make it happen. I am working to make my dreams come true, to make my life everything i know it can be. Life's about choices. Life's about fulfilling whatever dreams and aspirations you might have. Take a fall, climb back up. Live, don't merely exist!!!
Recently in my life I've come to realize that I'm a pretty freakin' awesome guy - really !!! YES it is hard for me even to write that about myself, but I am learning to realize just what I have to offer someone, and just what I can offer to myself. I didn't know it until recently, and "my someone special" has given me this gift, opened my eyes and my mind, that I am worth more than what I have been told in the past, by how I have been treated, and honestly I am very proud of the man I've become in my 40ish years of life. (shhh!)
The truth is that SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE WE MEET CHANGE US FOREVER! Nothing could be so true as this statement. And whether it be a passing stranger with a glance of kindness or a lifelong friend, people impact us on a daily basis, and it often leads to change, some permanent, some only temporary.
Everyone has their insecurities, and nobody feels that they are perfect or great. No matter how good somebody might look on the outside (and I want to tell you my man is "FINE" DAMN he is FINE"), they have their insecurities inside. We're all the same. We're all wonderfully "flawed individuals", and Life is just a constant journey of discovery.
You know "my special someone and I" took a large step and committed ourselves to each other, to be honest, to be loving, to be open, to be monogamous - I am his - he is mine. I want us to grow together, although we MUST be able to keep ourselves - our individualities, but to be able to blend them as to creating a perfect mixture / a perfect harmony of two souls.
In all honesty and I hope this makes sense - Marriage has less beauty, but more safety, than the single life. It's full of sorrows, and full of joys, it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love. And those burdens are delightful....
which makes it beautiful!!!!!
LOVE is patient, is kind, it doesn't envy, it doesn't boast, it isn't proud, It isn't rude, it keeps no record of wrongs, it doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, trusts, hopes and always perseveres, it never fails. This I believe with every fiber of my being.
Ideally, I desire a monogamous relationship. If anything ever where to happen with another, it would be with my man right next to me. I beleive he feels the same way. Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to share him!!!! That si one area i want to be stingy with.
We all know good relationships don't happen overnight, they are built over time, bonds can come quickly, but to truly know someone takes time to teach each other, to learn from one an other. This bond is the root system to Love, where the power comes from. I have found that bond (with my someone special". I now for the first time in 20 years that i feel i have a root system that i can grow from.
I do worry sometimes that his root system may not be as strong as mine. I can bare that worry, I can be the strength to provide him space and time to determine his future, his path, his dsires. I can reasure his that I would not want him to change, to stop being the one everyone loves, everyone is drawn to for his smile, his laughter, his look, his ability to make every sad soul smile at just one glance into his beautiful eyes. My man has an unbeleivable ability, strenght, gift, and I love him even more because of that.
The issue seems to be that people take this gift for granted, and become drawn to him, that's fine, but they want more, they crave more, just as I did, just as i do! Flirting is ok, i enjoy it as well. Flirting is fun, but intimate touches, whispers of hope, these are the places i feel others should know better than to go to with another mans - Manz! I deserve, no I demand respect from each of you, from all of you. Why do they alweasys wan t to cross the line? and that is when they should be told HEY - THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!!
I also know that relationships require compromise and real love to endure. My longest relationship was 14 years, When you truly love someone, when it's over... it just doesn't just end like that, it takes time to move on, any mature person will take time for themselves to reflect on the relationship and what both parties could have done better, where it went wrong and what you definitely cannot do again. I learned that by sacrificing my principles for the happiness of another leading to the destruction of my happiness and my moral fiber. It literally took time for me to regain the happiness I had once known and to love myself again. It's amazing what someone can do to you if you LET them. Just Don't! Turns out as usual Monogamy was the issue, this lead to the eventual destruction of the relationship, I can bear testimony to that. I am not sure why gay men have such an issue with this? Who can turn away a Love, a partner, a friend, a bond? I have found these things again within myself as well as within my "someone special", and I know he is struggling with all this everyday. YES IT SCARES ME TO DEATH. i know he loves me, and thinks of me everyday, but he also thinks about his singleness as loosing something, as I look at my life with him in it, as GAINING EVERYTHING.
I don't see that I am loosing anything, in actaulity the only thing that has changed is that I now make love, sleep with, share my intimate moments with only one man, the man I love. and maybe I say again, DAMN - HE"S HOT!!!!!!!
I don't ask for anythting to change with in you-my love, Be you! Be everything you want, be everything you are !!!!! BE YOU!!!!
I love you, desire you, trust you, need you, crave you everyday, every moment!
You know you can create, define, and secure YOUR future, and still create one with me. I do step back alot - I watch you blossom, grow, find yourself, your future. I want you to be proud of your steps!! I already am!
Remember, Doing it for you in the present, in the end is creating the future for us!
I just don't want to be taking anything away from you. Don't let me!!!
Thanks you for being honest, that is all I can ask for. Again, you amaze me!
LOve,
Peanut
You don't know me. . . I am a friend of the "Boss." I live in Colorado ;) I am coming for a visit in July, and I hope I get to meet you. I am enjoying reading your blog. . . I hope you don't mind. I admire your courage to face life head on. Feel free to email me: siogonzo@mho.com
WELCOME SIOGONZO!!
Any friend of boss's is a friend of mine!
rodney
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