Fighting the feeling...............................

My foremost thoughts at the moment are those of unbelief!

I, thanks to Boss and others, have realized how "great" my life is.

How wonderful it is to have friends.

The point of my last blog topic was to vent. To unleash my pain. To voice my FRUSTRATION.

Am I truly that shallow? Am I truly that naive? Am I truly that stupid?

In the process of the last 24 hours, I again, have been met head on by my own life. A life that all I am trying to do is live.

I have been accused of "stealing" someones home. "Taking" for granted someones life. And, as crazy as this is, "working" too close to a "friends' " personal territory.

Now...........I caught a lot of grief from Boss for not looking at the big picture.

Lets list this, shall we?

1. Yes. I have a wonderful home with a wonderful family. Yes I love everyone in this home. Yes it is a bumpy ride. NO ......I have never, and will never think anything but love for this.

2. As far as taking time for distractions and "looking" at other drama. Forget it. I am depressed, resentful, and distracted enough with my life to even try to "enjoy" someone else's drama. Real, or hollywood.

3. Relationships. I've blogged before on the merits of "gay" relationships. It seems the more honest one is, the worse it is for the relationship. Perhaps I should just give it up. I've tried everything I could. I am trying to understand it. I am trying to LIVE for the moment. I honestly don't know what else to do.

4. Self worth. It has been my experience in the last 63 days that the more self worth I try to install in myself, the more someone wants to knock it away. As tragic a homo as I am, I am going to quote Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women when she was talking to Suzanne about being fat. In summary, Julia told Suzanne that people live to hear three things--Someone has went broke, someone is sick and dying, and someone is fat or down on there luck. The moment anyone tries to turn their life or luck around, it is fodder for their demise. I refuse to let ANYONE, ANY SITUATION, OR ANY THING make me question my choices in life. I deal with my life everyday. I deal with my feelings everyday. I am nothing special. I am everything special. The deal is this--I am WHO I AM.

5. Personal space. Personal boundaries. In the course of the last 2 years I have went from having everything to having nothing. It was my own doing. It is my own problem to build it back. My problem is this. Why is it that everyone feels as if they have the right to "voice" their opinion and thoughts as to how I am to live and breath in this world, and I don't have any right to say anything to anyone about anything? I am tired of doing this and will no longer be a part of it. I have seen many, many, many things in my time since my release that I have bit my tongue about. I don't feel as if I have a right, as a friend, to pass judgment or to be the jury in situations that don't require my "input". Why does everyone feel as if they have the god given right to interject into what "I" need to do.

I am extremely hurt. I am extremely upset. I don't know what to do.