It has been an interesting week. Surgeries. Deaths. Bus crashes. Rain and flooding. Breakups. Realizations of present lives.
Where to begin. My best friend had shoulder surgery this week. It is very humbling to watch someone you admire for their strength and attitude be sucked into a vacuum of pain. She is making an amazing recovery. Her strength and spirit are stronger than ever. She has taught me, yet again, another valuable lesson. No matter what happens to yourself, you only have yourself to lean on in the dire moments. Vulnerability is for wimps. Neediness is for losers. Real people suck life up and move forward. Regardless of the obstacles.
This thought and experience with my best friend has opened another door in my mind. This door is one that is heading into the relationship I thought I was in. Of course, I was corrected. I was scolded. I was made to learn in no uncertain terms that I am rushing things, am too needy and need to back off. Lesson learned. Message received. The kicker with all of this is the next day the rules go back to a different playing field. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm as fucked up as the next person. But I refuse to be a ping pong ball for someone else's emotional strains. I am living my life with the truth and honesty of someone who is scared to death, yet I am not so selfish or scared to say what I truly feel. Does this make me needy? I thought it made me honest and straightforward. I guess in the "dating/relationship/fuck buddy" game, honesty is what gets men into trouble. Dishonesty is, I guess, the key to a fucked up relationship. Being secretive and holding in thoughts and emotions that keep those who you want to be closest to you at bay, is the going thing. Honesty is for wimps! CORRECT? NOT!!
I refuse to play the game. I respect myself too much. I respect the feelings of everyone I come into contact with. I, guess, I want that same respect returned. Is that too much to ask? Who knows, I guess so.
I don't have the time or the inclination to play "hold on, will see, I need you, I don't need you, I love you, I think it is too fast, I can't be without you, I can't stand to be an "old married" couple. As prison taught me, Man up......shit or get off the pot. Don't make me pay for others mistakes. I have enough of my own sins and guilt.
Someone dear to me lost his Grandmother last week. It was extremely tough on my emotions. I didn't know the lady, but I know him. I know death, and I have dealt with it WAY too much in my life. Her passing not only touched my world, but the world of my friend. I view it as life is to short to wait for things. He won't tell me how he views it. Again, everyone deals in their own way.
Rain, flooding and bus crashes. I cannot believe the amount of rain that has fallen in the last week. It is as if we should start building the ark. Devastating flooding along the river communities. It is horrendous.
Last Tuesday, as I was on my home from class. The metro bus I was on got rammed by a car that ran a stop sign. Again, a wake up call. I could have been killed. It was just that random. I refuse to let stupid little life problems fester to the point of "problems". I could be gone right now, instead, I sit here and embrace life for what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.
All of this past week drama has made me realize what a great life I have.
Just a typical, average, never boring life.
2 comments:
Sounds like you had just another day (week) in the great sceme they call life... Hold on to your pants baby, the ride has only begun!
ENJOY IT! MEANS YOUR ALIVE!
I know I plan to!!! *wink*
Yo Yo
I don't know if this is where this post should go but here goes. There is so much to say about ones parents. We, as adults, see them as adults now but did we see them as adults when we were young? No way? I see my dad as a very caring man NOW. Was he always that way.... let me think.... I don't remember him coming to my softball games but when I played baseball with the boys, he was there, mainly because that is where my brothers were playing as well.
It was not until my mothers death did I stand up to my father. Man was I pissed at him for reasons I will not elaborate on here but just be safe to say I had my reasons. So many reasons not to be close to my dad and when my mom suddenly died I was left with one parent I really did not know or talk to. So after the death we had to act as if we knew each other, he didn't know me nor did he want to know me.
After I had to stand up to him on principal sake, we did not speak to each other for a good 6 months. That was huge when you only had one parent to talk to. My brothers did not know what to do.. they kept telling me to call him and talk to him but they forgot one thing and it was a huge thing. I AM MY MOTHERS DAUGHTER!!!!
So all in all, all the ups and downs, my father and I talk and we got close again, but it took a lot of effort on both of are parts. He did a huge favor for me, he helped me buy my first house. That was a giant step for him and I am grateful to him. I know he loves me eventhough it is not stated very often but when it is I get choked up. Ok enough for now.
Later,
BOSS
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