What a weekend. Old friends, new friends, lost friends, and "who gives a shit" friends.
Emergency rooms, night sweats, lack of oxygen, and the "past" colliding with the future.
I'm sick. Literally. I was. 101 degree fevers, hacking cough, couldn't breathe, and restless nights. I think my body was telling me to get things in order. I was slowly poisoning myself with my surroundings. Useless feelings of concern of what people think of me. Unheard thoughts of worthlessness. It all finally caught up with me.
The great thing about being at the bottom of your health is the climb back up. Not only are you thankful that you are feeling better, but in hindsight, as usual, a whole vision of clarity appears.
Many "situations" came to light in the past 72 hours. Again, a moment of clarity opens all the doors or lights the path on which one should be.
I started a job on Friday evening. It was fine. It felt great to go to bed exhausted from work. It felt great to know that I actually earned the money in my pocket. It felt great to know that feeling of self sustainment. It is not a rocket science job, but it put some money in my pocket. And, it allowed me the feeling of self respect again!
A good friend arrived from out of town on Friday afternoon to bring a much needed jolt to my psyche. A man of few words, but the words he stated were monumental. The words brought the force of my being into perspective. This perspective being, my just "being". Crazy, huh? You see, this friend of mine forced me to look at my life from both vantage points. Pre and Post prison. They are extremely different, but they BOTH are what make me the man I am now. Sweet and honest. Sincere and funny. He will always have my heart.
On Sunday, I faced my worst demon. Myself. This point is the one where I literally became toxic in my own bloodstream. Words were said. Actions occurred. Feelings were made known.
I spent the majority of Sunday thinking and working through these demons as they were occurring. I want to say I won, but my body told me different. Progress comes in baby steps.
Needless to say, I am starting, yet again, with a clean slate. All baggage is gone. All baggage will not be forgotten, but priorities have been set. A new life is what I got, and I new life is what I have to live.
peace, out.
1 comment:
I think your body was telling you to slow the fuck down, in all aspects of your life. I know how much you want to work to make you feel human, a part of the society that put you away and also so you can go out and get something to eat and drink and not wonder how you are going to make up the money you just spent. Life will come around full circle- you just need to stay focused to the pain out.
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