This morning I sit here and think ahead to the future. A future of uncertainty. A future of hope. A future of joy. My mind tries to compress all the thoughts into a path. This path of self discovery and growth is limitless. I try to stop all the doubts from entering. The uncertainties. The unknown.
I try to embrace the changes that have occurred. I welcome the positive and the negative. For every "give" in life there is a "take". The great thing about prison is the way it alters your view of what is important. And that what is bullshit. Thinking back to the cold walls, the security of being closed off from everyone and everything, I had no choice but to purge my mind. I threw out the "garbage", weeded the flower bed, and tended the roots of what makes me strong. The result of this process has been cataclysmic. The terror of the truth. The positivity of the truth. The negativity of the people who want no part of the change.
The tricky part of changing is the effect it has on everyone's life. In life, most people shun change. They will tell you they are happy for you but deep inside resentment lies in wait.
In my days since my release, I have come to discover things about myself and my friends that I thought would never be an issue. Hurt. Pain. Despair. Loss. Love. The process is very painful for me. I know it is painful for those who care about me. The strange thing is, before prison, I would have reverted back to make everyone happy. I can't-won't-allow myself to fall into those feelings.
So.
The future is wide open. My mind is ready to embrace all the changes. Little. Big. Huge. Tiny. All of the changes momentous, all exciting. All for a better me. All for a better life for everyone included in my circle.
My circle. I own that. No one else does. No one can take it from me.
4 comments:
We as "society" need to help our friends that come out of this system. What I mean by this is not just give them 100.00 here and there but to actually help them stay OUT of the system.
I have heard too many news stories lately of people who were just released from prison and within a few days if now hours they have committed another crime to get them back into the system. I do have to ask, why would they want to go back into that situation? Is it comfort? Security? Easier to know the "rules" of prison because the "rules" of society have changed so much.
I was always under the impression that once you were released from prison, the state or federal government would want to help you out and put a little money into your pocket so you don't feel as though you need to do something illegal to get some food, clothes or to be able to have a roof over your head. But once again, I think I am ignorant in my little world. If it wasn't for Bobby filling me in on how he had to research for 2 months before he was released to see what programs are out there for him to access..... who knows where he would be today.
Just think of something.... would you want a new start in this world? I would have to say yes if I could erase all of my stupid mistakes but with the new start would come no place to stay, no money in my account and me searching every day for hours trying to find a place that will give me a chance and give me a job... so back to my original question, would you really want a new start......
How about when you get out and people say that they are a friend of yours but when they see the new person you have become they are more strangers to you than your friends because they can not handle the brutal honesty.
I have learned a valuable lesson through this experiene with Bobby, I always have viewed myself as not being judgemental but I have to say I am, I am going to judge people that claim to be friends and can not even call to ask if Bobby would like to go out and talk or go for a walk and talk or how about I buy you dinner and we can talk. He has had more people that are total strangers ask him out for coffee and dinner than his "Friends" What is that all about? What are you all afraid of... you were not in the system, get out of your comfort zone and take a risk on him.... he has taken a risk on just getting back on his feet.
The system is a false one and not just the system we call the federal government.
Think about this... what have you done for Bobby to let him know he is valued and loved?
Submitted by Boss
Boss,
The thoughts you have expressed are sweet. Honest. Brutal. and so very true.
I cannot explain or even begin to express the inappropriateness of so called "friends".
In my last post, I expressed some things that touched on my pain. But words can never express the hurt, disappointment, and sheer worthlessness that is dispatched to me. I want nothing from anyone but a fair chance.
Yes. I fucked up.
yes. I went to prison.
yes. I've changed.
The problem lies within my realm of friends the truthfullness of my reality.
I have no time for fake. No time for bullshit. No time for platitudes. The simple reality of my life is that of survival. A survival that was built on lies and deceit in the past. My life is nothing but TRUTH now.
I believe that is the total problem with my "friendships".
These friends are forced to face their OWN reality. I've had to for the wrong reasons. BUT- I've did it, and I am the better man.
love you boss!
Boss,
Your words are brutally truthful, inspiring, and have already made an impact on me just since the moment I finished reading. First I must agree and stand beside you in stating I too never felt that I was a judgmental person, and now I find myself judging those that find it easier to judge Bobby, than to look within them-selves. I find that I am now judging myself as well. Looking within my own self ownership, and realizing that although I believe I am "good" person, I too have faults and am within myself a judgmental person. The only difference is that Bobby had the strength and courage to face-up to his tribulations, and I find that I still have not.
Although every human being has this characteristic of “judge mentality”, I believe it can be a personal strength or weakness depending on the choices each of us take and how we use it.
See, I am one of those strangers, in Bobby's life since I did not have the pleasure of knowing him until after his release, and my life has not been the same since the day I met him. Bobby has taken many amazing steps to take back, to regain, rebuild, and restore his life. Bobby you are an inspiration to me - know that - Remember, People judge others because they don't have the strength "balls" to first judge themselves.
Boss, I like your style, and I hope others take a moment to reflect on your words just as I have done this morning.
PEACE!
Yo-Yo
Thank you both for the support. I never wanted to be judged. I never wanted anything "handed" to me. I need a "helping hand" not a "hand out". I don't know how else to explain it.
Life has taught me that those who care, care. Bullshit walks, caring talks.
In time, I HOPE, my "friends" will come to realize that I am not that much different. I am just not the punching bag anymore. It must have been very easy to judge me when I was locked up. To feel as if there contact was a great service to me. The irony of all of this is this. The ones that were in contact with me while I was in prison, they are the same ones now who don't know how to even speak to me in a civil, non-judgemental world. You can judge me for my past sins and trials. But I'll be damned if I am going to be judged on what I wear, where I get the "money" to get my clothes, or how I pay to play pool! It is all very easy for someone with everything to judge the one with nothing WHO is actually living life. I am taking no "prisoners" in my quest to succeed. I am only dropping the baggage and dead weight that comes with the reality of my life. If something holds you down--let it go. It has almost become "let go" time.
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