My heart aches.
My mind buzzes.
My soul is grateful.
Another life lesson, learned the hard way.
For months now I have been living what, I thought, was the perfect life.
Great man.
Great friends.
Great job.
Great feelings of a future success.
There is only one problem.....
I was doing it all for the wrong reason.
About an hour ago, prison ran through my mind.
In prison there is no thinking.
No world problems.
No life expectations.
I realize that my life has not changed.
I still am not doing my own thinking.
I am still following rules.
I am still trying to fit into a place where I don't belong.
I am trying to be everything for everyone but ME.
This is just a place of survival.
I feel, right now, as I did that first day I was released from prison.
Scared.
Petrified, to be exact.
Excited.
Thrilled.
and....
lonely.
I have been very fortunate since my release. Understanding, love, and support have come from the people closest in my life.
That has to change.
I am totally thankful for everyone.
I am totally thankful for my life.
I am totally thankful for my future.
I just have to do this on my own.
Someone very close just told me he tried to solve all my problems.
He said he believed in me.
He said he helped me.
He said he loves me.
The problem is this.
How am I to become my own man if I am allowing everyone, society, and my enemies to dictate my place in this/their world?
I realize I am not 18.
I realize I am being severe.
I realize I have to fix it.
My mother comes to my mind right now.
She always told me.
"Life has a price. To have the life you want, you have to decide who is going to be the highest bidder. YOU or someone else?"
What scares me is the thought that I have been bought.
Not by one, but by many.
3 comments:
I have to leave this comment, if you say you are totally thankful for everyone then how can you say in the next few lines, you have been bought.
I don't know what is going on with you right now because I feel as though you have totally shut me out of you, not the fun party you but you. Why is that? I don't want to go back to where we were less than a year ago.
Can you believe that a year has almost gone by. I want you to reflect on the pictures you have put, with pride, on your blog. Look at those faces, look at the love in the eyes of the people that care about you.
Baby, don't run..... face whatever you need to face but do me a favor and DON"T RUN from the yourself or the others that love you.
BOSS
Laura,
When I say I have been bought it is by the standards that I live up to for everyone else. I am not trying to shut you out. I am not trying to run from anything.
It is quite the opposite. I am standing firm. I am facing what I need to face. I need to be the man I know I can be.
xoxo
rodney
Rodney, you truly need to grow up. You have SOOOOOOOOO much more than any one person could ever wish for and still you moan and groan.
You live in a beautiful home with one of the world's most beautiful men and still it never seems enough for you.
This "Whoa is me" crap really has to come to end.
It's all played out...
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