The weather is changing. Fall/Autumn is upon us. Thoughts of my Mom are flooding my head. It is funny, the older one gets, the more one wants to return to the "easy" days of life. The irony lies in the fact that when I was younger all I wanted was to be an adult.......
To those of you closest to me, you know what regard I hold Momma Rosie.
She was not just my mother.
She was my friend.
She was my light.
She was my life.
She was the glue that held our totally dysfunctional family together.
She was taken from me.
Not an uncommon occurence in this lifetime, for anyone.
In the picture above, Mom was approximately the age I am right now. I can see her in my mind as clear as I can in that picture. It was Easter. She was SO happy. The cancer had been gone for a year straight. She had two healthy, beautiful twin granddaughters, an adorable 3 year old, and her children were all together as adults. She was alive. We hid Easter eggs. We ate until we were sick. We laughed. We cried. It was sheer joy.
I, often, wonder what my Mother was truly thinking in all the years we had together. I wonder if she had regrets, I know she did. I wondered if she dwelled on her shortcomings. I wonder if she could have changed things, would she have?
Of course, she was human.
My rational mind tells me this all the time, but my sentimental mind will not leave the label of superhuman off her. Again, I know I am no different than any other person who has lost their mother, but how do I embrace the horror of her death and supplement it with the happy memories? How do I move past the infinite realm that is life. We all die. We all were born. There is no reason, rules, or guarantees....
My question is when do I stop becoming the lonely, hurt child who is officially an orphan. How do I fill the void of her loss? It has been 6 years and the wound is still as raw as it was the morning I got the news.
I know I am being selfish. I know it is childish. I know it is all coming forefront because I am reaching another milestone, birthday, in my life.......
I am shocked at how much we are/were alike!
Mom and I often discussed our lives and, subsequent, deaths. I was always petrified that she would go before me, and she was always scared that I would go before her. She was always frightened, and rightfully so, that once she was gone, the family would fracture like her own. I tried. We, my brothers and sisters, tried. It didn't work. The obvious reason being my homosexuality and the difference in our lives.
Mom was always the bridge.
I sit here and realize now that I am not only mourning the loss of my mother, but the loss of a life that molded me into what I am now. Warts and all. I, now, feel as if I have no validation of my sheer existence or influence in any of my family's life. I know, I know, bite the bullet. Make the first step towards reconcilliation with my brothers and sisters.......I can't. I won't.
I prefer the suffering.
Many things have happened since Mom's death.
Prison.
Self loathing.
My brothers and sisters growing into their own lives.
More deaths.
More births.
Of which, I have only got the pleasure of the pain and the sorrow.
I am rambling. I know that.
I am very fortunate to have a very tight and loving new "family". A family that loves my warts. Loves my depression. Loves my laughter. Loves me for whom I am.....I cherish them all.
BUT, and this is a big one, BUT........I miss my real family. Hurt miss. Ache hurt. My family is notorious for brushing things under the carpet. Notorious for not facing the facts and dealing with them.
I am the HUGE ELEPHANT in the room.
In essence, dead-like Mom-to them also......
There is the occasional call for tragic emergencies. Requests for money. Never a phone call to just say "hey...you're my brother and I just wanted to make sure you were alive". In our youth, we were closer than close.
We were all we had. I am sure my brothers and sisters memories are as jaded and lovely as mine. The pain, if it is like mine regarding our youth, is omnipresent. Never subsiding. Never ending. In the true Southern/Midwestern tradition of "if you don't talk about it, it never happened" my family has tried to pick up OUR OWN pieces of life and move on.
So.....As I sit here a puddle of emotions and tears, a light finally comes on. This damn circle. This "Disney-LionKing" circle of life........comes full circle. The difference with my official family.....the circle, totally, ends with me.....
So....friends, enemies, and loved ones......please know this. I will not die with thoughts of regrets or doubts. Bare with me in this transition that has been occurring for 6 years now. I know whom I love. I know that I miss my family and would do anything for them. I know I will have many more setbacks. Many more triumphs........All of them surrounded by my Mom......
thanks for listening and loving.....
BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY OF LIFE.....
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down
2 comments:
Rodney,
YES… Life is unfair especially when it comes to loosing loved ones. No one should ever have to die, and as you said it is the circle of life.
Please take this to heart, because I truly believe it is true…
You asked when will the pain, the emptiness stop? And here’s the answer..
PRAY IT NEVER STOPS!!!!
Let me explain, In my mind the pain, that feeling of loosing someone, I take that as a sign, think about it… maybe this is your mother just letting you know she is thinking about you, that she is giving you a hug, telling you she loves you, and how proud she is of the man, THE LOVING CARING MAN that you’ve become.
Rodney everytime you get that feeling, or a tear falls from your eye due to thinking, missing, wishing upon your mom, know it is her way of saying “Hi, I am thinking of you, my wonderful son, and I love you”. We as human beings instinctively link this feeling to ourselves, to easily we relate the sadness as our own… but in actuality, maybe it is the only way we can be contacted by our deceased loved ones.
I on the other hand link it as a way of contact, a way to never stop being in touch with the ones I’ve lost and loved, To have their memory put into our head and our hearts.
Once that pain, that missing goes away, it becomes to easy to move on and stop remembering, stop thinking of… but never, NEVER stop loving!
I feel for your pain in reference to your family and the distance that has grown between siblings.
I myself, as you know, have a very loving and accepting “Disfuntional”family. Yes, I am blessed when it comes to that. And you also know that my family has accepted you as their son in law. You too are loved, and you too now have another family!
I can guarantee you this.. I bet you’ll get more Christmas presents than me from my family” our family”… Explain that shit!!!! Lol
Rodney, embrase those feelings, those moments, it’s a gift from your momma!!!!!
I love you!!!!
Rodney,
Yo-Yo is so right with his comments. I have had experiences when I see a light shimmer while I am in the shower and at first that freaked me out. But I had a friend of mine tell me the same thing Yo-Yo said, it was a way my mom was trying to connect with me.
The really weird part is, it was at times in my life when I really needed her. She was just telling me that she was there for me.
Yes, it is freaky and weird but I totally believe it.
You and your mom are so much alike and I know you miss your family and I do believe that you will reconnect with them and they will be better off because of it. You are a strong man and you try to hide that you are a proud man. Don't hide that faciate of your personality.
Your mom has been there for you, she saw you through your incararation, she saw you through your re-entry to society, she will see to it that the family that she loves will see their way back to each other.
It won't happen over night and it might not happen for years but it will happen.
LIFE DOES COME FULL CIRCLE, we both witnessed that on Thursday night.
Got to run,
I LOVE YOU BROTHER
BOSS
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