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Loretta: Can one of yous boys give me a ride home?
Annette Atkins: Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down.
Loretta: So? Be real easy.
Annette Atkins: Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over.
Loretta: Anyone?
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Amber Atkins: Yah, my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Hanson, found my tap costume on the roof o' their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part: it was still on the hanger.
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Amber Atkins: I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it. Who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know.
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Amber Atkins: This is bullshit!
Iris Clark: That is not American Teen Princess language!
Amber Atkins: Well this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant! This... This... This is Nazi Germany!
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Gladys Leeman: He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!
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Amber Atkins: My mom never hid the fact that my dad chose his career over us. What was it she always said?
Loretta: Once a carnie, always a carnie.
Amber Atkins: Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.
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Annette Atkins: Who's this?
Amber Atkins: Oh, they're here to see my room and film me for their movie.
Annette Atkins: If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.
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Candy Striper: Hello Miss Sad Pants, and her friend, Serious Sally! How about a nice cool mint to help turn those frowns upside down?
Loretta: Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?
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Loretta: What is wrong with you?
Amber Atkins: I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this.
Loretta: You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people.
Amber Atkins: Really?
Loretta: No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it.
Amber Atkins: Okay.
Loretta: Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'!
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Loretta: Best damn tapper, most smartest.
Annette Atkins: Most smartest?
Loretta: Most smartest!
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Lisa Swenson: It's like why asking all the guys chew Cophenhagen. If you're 17, and you're not a total fry... it's jus whatcha do.
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Gladys Leeman: The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them!
Iris Clark: That's why we Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid for the blood of Christ.
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Amber Atkins: Loretta, never have kids.
Loretta: Oh, honey, God bless ya for thinking I still could.
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Gladys Leeman: Hey hey, Miss Penthouse '98, close those legs, I could drive a boat show in there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Annette Atkins: I am reaching the point where I would kill someone for the nicotine under their fingernails.
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Gladys Leeman: I know what some of your big-city, no-bra-wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers might say.
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Amber Atkins: [after Becky gives Mary a box of chocolates] Good going Becky, she's anorexic.
Becky Ann Leeman: [covers Mary's ears] She's skinny Amber, not deaf.
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Mary Johanson: With one week to go before the pageant, I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, brushing up on current events, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready.
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[Lisa has given Amber her costume for the talent show]
Lisa Swenson's Father: You just gave up on the contest? Peter never would have done that.
Lisa Swenson: You know what dad, you know what? Peter's gay!
Lisa Swenson: [pause then shouting] GAY!!
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Gladys Leeman: [wearing her old pageant outfit] And look, it still fits!
Loretta: So she had big ass then, she's got a big ass now.
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Mount Rose Mayor: Oh, Yeah, Frida, sure. She was the oldest living Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriner's, won't take down the God damn sign the lazy sons of bitches. Every year, every damn year I tell them, "Take down the God damn Frida sign, you lazy sons of bitches!"
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Amber Atkins: [shaken after seeing her mom in the hospital] Ummm. I'm quitting the pagent.
Loretta: [grabbing and shaking Amber] You're WHAT?
Amber Atkins: I'm quitting the...
Loretta: I heard you! I was just trying to get you to change your mind. Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes while she was flying through the air like a goddamn lawn dart!
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Amber Atkins: [Running onto the scene of her and her mom's blown up trailer home] Mom? MOM?
Fireman: Whoa, whoa, whoa... you family?
Loretta: No, she's just yelling, "Mom, mom," because she has Tourettes! She's Annette's kid dipshit.
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Amber Atkins: Oh yeah. Guys get out of Mount Rose all the time on hockey scholarships... or prison.
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Fry Girl: This pageant is like a roach motel - girls check in but they don't check out.
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Annette Atkins: [Annette thinks Amber is pregnant] Honey, honey, come talk to Mommy. I promise, whatever it is, I won't be mad.
Amber Atkins: Okay, I'm quitting the pageant.
Annette Atkins: [grabs Amber by the shirt and begins hitting her with a beer can] What?
[to the documentary crew]
Annette Atkins: Oh, could you excuse us for a moment? Loretta, take the guys outside, please. Now, sit your skinny little ass down!
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Lester Leeman: Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh, boys?
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Loretta: [referencing a pageant dress] Your ma did want you to have this, though, since your other one got toasted an all.
Amber Atkins: Oh, my God! It's just like Diane Sawyer's!
Loretta: Yah?
Amber Atkins: Oh! Of course it's not a size 10. Diane was little hippy then.
Loretta: Not our girl.
Amber Atkins: Oh, no.
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Amber Atkins: [as Annette is being driven away in an ambulance] Mom! I'll be right behind you in the hearse!
Loretta: Don't let that worry you Annette!
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Annette Atkins: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house. You go find the guy who cut ‘em off.
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Iris Clark: It's a $200 fine.
Gladys Leeman: I told you I'd move the car if a cripple came. Now, just run in the store and pick out some outfits.
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