Fear.

Over the past couple of weeks many things have come into light.

First and foremost, my trips down memory lane—for the last year!

As part of my parole/probation process, I am required to see a psychiatrist for counseling. This is both the problem and the solution. I have to face the demon of depression head on. It is a true illness that has influenced my family for every generation that I remember.

The worst affected? My late mother. As you know from my previous posts, my Mother was my life. My Mother didn’t have an easy life. My Mother was a fighter. Until the last three years of her life. She beat the cancer. She beat the odds. But depression crippled her ability to see the fullness of her life. I don’t want that cycle to continue in me.

In the past three days I have had a barrage of comments from everyone.

People close.
Work associates.
Casual acquaintances.

And the usual statement to Joe from friends and complete strangers-- “How do you deal with him? He is a handful”. Joe’s response—“medication”. To which he then follows up or it is quoted by the person asking—“double the dose”.

It is hard to explain. This mental process in my head.

For many years I had to play:

The perfect spouse/boyfriend.
The perfect friend.
The perfect son.
The perfect brother.
The perfect employee.
The perfect prisoner.

I was/am far from perfect.

I set up these “standards” and “points of attainment” in my mind to keep me striving for excellence in my own world. It is impossible. I figure/figured without these “goals” my life would be normal, non-existent, and unworthy of recognition. I still feel this way. I don’t want to but my brain is hard wired for this type of living-and it is hard to undo 41 years of habit overnight.

I am working toward solutions. I am grasping and grappling with demons every minute of my life. I know I am no different from anyone else. I know my “plight” is not that extreme. I just know that I must deal with it every minute of my life. As, alas, do those closest to me.

My actions are sometimes:
Erratic. Forceful. In your face. Condescending. Self deprecating. Mean. Hateful. Distrustful. Ugly. Funny. Sad. Loving. Caring….

In other words. Human.

Mine are just to the 99th degree.

Now. Take the “Rodney” you all know. And the actions and emotions I put out to you all -- and – turn it inward towards yourself. Every emotion and thought that I put out, is reverberated back into my brain with triple the force and emotion that you receive/see. This is the easiest way for me to explain my inner workings. If you see that I am upset on the outside….know this….on the inside…….it is three times as worse. I have my rational/irrational and sane/insane and logical/illogical all fighting for their say. This is why when I "love" something/someone I smother and when I dislike something/someone I "detest".

Drama? Of course.
Tiring? Very.
My life? For as long as I can remember.

The difference, now, compared to 5 years ago is that I keep all of this bottled up. I have to rationally and intelligently watch my actions and emotions 24/7. I am not paranoid. I am realistic. I have been given a second chance in life, and the first sign of a “fuck up” and I am headed back down the road to “loony land”.

Granted, I am no Sybill. I am no candidate for a rubber room. I am just being open and honest with those who have expressed concern and wonderment of my changes. Every day brings everyone of us closer to our date with destiny. What ever that may be. I have learned the hard way that actions have reactions, and the past never forgets. Especially in your OWN mind.

So.
In closing.
Know that I am aware of my actions, even more than any of you, and I am working on a balance of my emotions. Go with my flow, clock me like you do, but please, at least try to have an understanding of what is occurring in my head along with the situation/s that we are living in!